I was never even in a situation that could have led to anything
I'm 22. Im finishing uni this month. I wasn't able to find company, find a group, wasn't able to find a girl, never kissed and never even held hands. I'm beyond convinced all the "college stories" and "wild youth" ones are either a lie or delusion. Those stories usually come like "step 1-5" where i never even reached the step 1. I'm not bad looking, I would say above average engineer guy with a car and a job and seems like neither of that helps whatsoever.
And now literally 99% of people around me already have experience and expect experience from others and year after year it becomes scarier to even think about it.
I thought about going for escort just to know how it feels like and navigate it better in the future, price is not an issue at all, but I can't imagine myself going to have sex with someone. I just no longer feel like it's even possible.
Sometimes, when i think about it- i kinda feel like i might look to busy or intimidating for anyone to approach or look at me because I'm constantly busy and honestly i look like an evil bully from outside even tho i just want to be loved and appreciated. Maybe that's the resting bitch face, maybe it's lack of social skills following my peak teens spent in strict covid lockdown, maybe the trauma from being led with my feelings when i was 14-15 into depression and self harm, maybe it's my immigrant status that makes my surroundings 100 times smaller than if i was in my country of origin... I just don't know, i feel like I'm losing on my youth.
I want to love stupidly, i want to make mistakes and learn, I want to feel someone reciprocating same feelings for me, but every day it becomes harder and harder to even imagine it happening.
You would say "oh just go see new people" - yeah that's not how it works - there's no "people shop" where you can go and look through people on shelves. And going for some shitass hobby i don't enjoy just to have a miniscule chance of meeting someone is not what i can do. My hobbies are shared with fat geeks and unshaved garage engineering, not hello kitty girls.
Hope it didn't sound cel-like or something, I'm just really tired of myself