Guy I was seeing broke up with me and I think he’s an avoidant
Hi there. I just found this sub and am glad it exists because I (30F) recently got broken up with by the guy I was seeing (33M) and am struggling a lot. We’re in the same friend group, had been friends for a year and half and dating for about 4 months. I had a crush on him for a while but held back because of the friend group, I’m not very experienced in dating and also I wasn’t sure if he felt the same.
One day I decided to ask him to get coffee and I didn’t frame it as a date but it certainly felt like one. We had great conversation, he paid for my coffee and he also asked me if I wanted to go to a bookstore after and walked me partway home. We had a few more one on one hangouts like this and it really seemed like there was mutual interest so I decided to just ask if he’d like to go on an actual date and he said yes. He looked happy and not hesitant at all. I asked if he would pick the restaurant and he said he’d text me soon. A few days passed and I heard nothing so I sent a gentle follow up asking if he had any ideas and that I’m looking forward to it. He just reacted to it. Then that weekend i saw him at our group’s weekly hangout and he didn’t mention it at all. I panicked/cried on the walk home and called my friend and he told me not to worry too much, it’s probably nerves and suggested following up again with specific time that would work for me. I did that and we agreed on a day but then a bad storm happened so we postponed but I had to be the one to reach out again. In retrospect this should’ve been a sign to me.
So we finally went on the date, it was 3 weeks after I asked him. The date was really good, we had some deep conversations, he was really sweet and he even extended the date we went to a cafe for dessert and he gave me this really mesmerizing hug before we parted ways, it stayed in my head awhile. We went on more dates and they were all great but then I noticed something. I planned all of them and while he acted into me on dates, he was completely withdrawn in between. He never once texted me first in the whole relationship. And then I started to notice avoidance around the friend group, but then once we’d be alone again there would be a shift and he’d suddenly be warm with me. He also stopped acknowledging me completely in the group chat but would be chatty with everyone else. I thought I was imagining it but when I realized it was real it stung.
After the first few dates I told him that I really like him but have noticed I’m the one always reaching out and wanted to see if I’m misreading things. He didn’t really answer the question directly, he apologized and said he’s not used to dating. I told him I’m not either (this was a first relationship for both of us). We hugged and then parted ways. We went on a few more dates, they were great, but nothing changed in terms of initiation from him. I was going on a trip with some friends who were visiting so I told him I’d love to see him before I go but he said he had plans on the two days I suggested. Our group plan on the same weekend ended up getting cancelled so I asked if he had time to meet that day, I wanted to talk to him about how I’d been feeling again. I asked about the morning but he said he couldn’t then I asked about the afternoon (when the plans were supposed to be) but he didn’t respond. So I just went on my trip and tried not to think about it too much but it was hard and I’m grateful for my friends being there for me. Later that week I texted him asking if we could meet for coffee because I wanted to talk about something important. He responded quickly this time and we agreed on a time. I told him again that I really like him but how I notice I’m still the main initiator and how it was starting to feel one sided, but his behavior on dates don’t look one sided at all so i got very confused. I also told him that I notice when I express my feelings clearly like telling him that I really like him or love spending time with him he doesn’t really say anything back. So I wanted to get clarity and understand how he feels. I tried to word it in a very non accusatory way, used I statements and focused on my feelings.
The way he answered was very back and forth. Actually the first thing he said when I finished was “wow, that’s a big question…” then he went into how he really liked me as a friend but also feels very connected to me because we have so much in common, and that he is able to tell me things he tells no one else but feels like he can’t give me the same amount of love back because he barely even cares about himself and he’s been alone all his life. Then he went into something about his parents’ divorce and his younger sister’s recent engagement. He said he hasn’t seen his father in years and tbh what he said during this part didn’t make much sense, I think he was trying to say he’s scared of doing what his father did?
There were a few times thought out that he said the phrase “we should just be friends…” the first was “so you don’t have to worry about me not initiating”, then “so that it’s not awkward to talk to you around everyone” and “and see how things develop”. The first one just sounded dismissive, the second hurt because why did he have to make it awkward when it didn’t have to be and the last one made me the most upset for reasons I’m sure you can understand.
After he said his piece we just sat there in silence. I didn’t say much but I asked if he felt pushed into this and he said “no it’s not you, it’s me”. There was more silence, then he said we should talk about something else. We did and it was okay, but honestly I did almost cry but I was using all my willpower not to and just kept taking deep breaths. I managed to hold myself together until we parted ways and I just cried on the walk home.
And going back to the last date we went on, we had a nice nighttime walk through a garden and had more deep conversation, and what really hurts about all this is he was telling me how he’d like it if I visited his home country someday… That was 2 weeks prior to the breakup. It just made me wonder about how we went from that to this.
And to top it all off, my birthday was 2 weeks after the breakup. I invited everyone to dinner, I didn’t want to raise questions so I still sent it to the group chat. I didn’t think he’d come because he already had been avoiding me at group hangouts. everyone else replied that they would and he replied the next day with a long explanation about why he wasn’t sure he’d come. But then the night of he sent a message to the chat with his eta to the restaurant. He gave me a nice gift that’s very specific to my niche interest and a handwritten card. I’m so glad I didn’t open it until I got home because I just cried my eyes out. I’m appreciative of the gift but it made me sad because where was this effort in the relationship? What stung more is the next day we had a group hangout that was like a part 2 to my birthday and he completely avoided me. Which wasn’t surprising but it still hurts. He also was very disengaged at the dinner, was on his phone the whole time barely interacting with anyone… it just made me think “why did he even come?”
Anyways, the bottom line is I started the conversation hoping for clarity, to understand his side, and try to work things out, but he jumped straight to breaking up. I spent so much time and energy in the relationship trying to give him space an be considerate of his comfort that I think I neglected myself in the process. It’s been almost a month since the breakup and we haven’t talked since, despite seeing each other with friends. I’m better than I was, but still healing and probably will be for a while. ❤️🩹
I know this was long, if you read all of this thank you, it’s been so rough. I do have some good friends supporting me, including 2 people within the friend group I trust and confided in. I know it’ll just take time.