[QCrit] Adult Science Fantasy - WHAT LIES IN OUR STARS (105,000 words/Second Attempt + First 300 words)
Hi, I'm back with a second attempt for my query here on PubTips, and I would love some feedback on the newer version! Link to the first attempt here (After the previous post I got a R&R from an agent with some helpful feedback, that's why the word count was cut down and the title changed in the newest draft)
Dear X,
Given your interest in (personalization), I’m excited to introduce WHAT LIES IN OUR STARS, an adult science fantasy with dark academia and epistolary elements. The manuscript is a retelling of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and it is complete at 105,000 words.
Yejin’s fondness for tragedy withered the moment her friends mysteriously died beneath the painted sky of their Dormitory, the stars above whispering of history repeating itself.
Trapped inside a neoclassical space academy, Yejin and the surviving students—sons and daughters of the élite—are abandoned by adults to their own justice and unfinished business. But they are not alone. Students are bonded to Second Spirits, legendary historical figures who grant them supernatural mind powers.
As two rival factions use the deaths of their classmates to turn against one another, their parents’ war becomes their own, forcing Yejin and her Second Spirit—Brutus—to navigate shifting alliances and betrayals in a race to solve Julius Caesar’s riddle and prevent the Academy from running as scarlet as Rome did with the conspirators’ blood.
Framing the narrative are handwritten exchanges between Julius Caesar, Brutus, and their two pupils that slowly redefine both Rome’s most illustrious conspiracy and the tragedy unfolding in the pages. But as the line between friend and traitor collapses, Yejin begins to fear that their story has already been written, that she is bound to see her new friends slaughter each other and end up just like Brutus.
Because in every age, Rome falls the same way: through betrayal.
WHAT LIES IN OUR STARS combines the intellectual dark academia atmosphere of Katabasis, the anonymous romantic correspondence of Divine Rivals and [insert comp based on agent’s wishlist]
I am a Foreign Languages student based in Venice with a longstanding passion for classical literature and ancient history. Since a young age, I’ve been immersed in the invisible footprints the Roman Empire left on Italian culture and social fabric, which inspired me for this fresh perspective on Shakespeare’s work.
The first X pages of the manuscript are included below. Please note that, for formatting purposes, the sample includes the epistolary elements embedded in the text preceded by a double hyphen.
The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
All the best,
Name and surname
First 300 words:
For as long as Changwo could remember, the stars had always shone the brightest when reflected in Yejin’s eyes. He remembered their spark when she got into the Intersolar University, the knowing smiles of the constellations when she became Pyxis’ Captain.
Sisal, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter.
The darkness he carried stretched across those around him like tongues of shadow. No glimmer of starlight would save them now, not from their own fate.
It was for him, unfortunately, that Changwo had found himself tailing Yejin and her Subdivision that fateful night.
The young man’s back rested against a veined marble column, his legs crossed as they casually bore his weight. Changwo’s Second Spirit—Odysseus—drifted forward with silent steps across the opus sectile, his attention caught by an unfamiliar cadet sprawled on the ground.
“Cogitans portam itineri dici longissimam esse!” the figure lying before Yejin shouted, his voice a grumble of Latin words that were clearly not his own.
The student kept thrashing on the floor, yet no one rushed to help him.
It would do no good until his Second Spirit was satisfied. Those ancient beings loved to announce themselves by possessing their pupils and freak everyone out.
Yejin's gaze darted from one cadet to another. Her lips slightly parted.
“The harshest part of a journey is passing the gate,” translated a voice from the crowd of students, the words growing fainter with every syllable.
Yejin's head snapped up.
“It’s Varro.”
- - Sisal “If you had known Machiavelli half as well as all these ancient Romans, we would have spared ourselves 38 chapters of drama” - -
- - Yejin “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just write that…” - -
For a moment, even the gods carved into the pediments seemed to lower their gaze in approval.
The cadet on the ground went still.