Adoptee's Feelings and Views
This might be rambling, and possibly the wrong flair, so apologies in advanced. What I'm hoping to read from yall are your thoughts and feelings as an adoptee.
A little background, in 2008 I learned my girlfriend at the time was pregnant. We were both in high-school, but went to different schools. Very quickly we were pressured by her parents into adoption. While not relevant here, I was against it and it still hurts to this day knowing and not know everything I missed. But I also recognize it what was best for the baby.
We picked the perspective parents, met them, and decided they were the ones. They were from a different region of our same decently populated state (US), so likely would never accidentally cross paths.
The birth and immediate 3 days after was harder than anything I've done in my life since, and I've been to war. It mentally and emotionally wrecked me in ways im not entirely sure I've dealt with to this day. During negotiations (not sure what other word to use?) the adoptive parents agreed to a semi-open adoption, where they would send pictures and letters and we could do the same.
About 18 months later, I enlisted in the Army, went to the above mentioned war, and began living on the opposite side of the country. During all this time, I still receive the letters and pictures to my parents home, and they send them to me once a year.
When I met the woman I would eventually marry and start a family with, I was upfront and told her all this, and she was and is supportive.
However, I never wrote back.
Its not that I didnt want to, bc I did. But I didnt (and still don't) think I was OK enough mentally and emotionally to put words to paper in a way that wasn't destructive. Like I said, I felt pressured into it, and on top of trauma from the military, it felt wrong. I also don't think it would be helpful to build a distant pseudo-relationship while being that fragile.
Over the years I've started that healing process and started a family of my own. Ive been in a good place for a while, and meant to start that process of being interactive, but as I'm sure many can attest, life happens.
Its not an excuse, dont get me wrong. I know I could have taken that time to start, but I didnt for one reason or another.
Recently, my mom sent me a picture of my child meeting her birth mother, and it hit me just how stupid I have been, especially in the last 10yrs. So I typed up a letter and sent it off to the agency for them to relay to the family.
This is where yall come in: tell me your feelings as a child that was adopted to your birth parents. Did you want to meet? Did you meet? Did you have any sort of contact growing up or not? How did/does it make you feel? What are your thoughts?
If my child wants to meet me, I would love nothing more, but I can also see why they might not want to, and thats OK too; I'd understand.
I'm just a little lost and thought it might help to try and get in their headspace.
Thanks.