Struggling hard to not relapse. Need support.
Hello community!
I'll cut to the chase: this morning I decided I needed to "decompress" and visit an escort. Got her phone number online, headed to her place, but stopped like 100 yards away from her apartment. I withdrew enough money (like, a lot of money) to "have fun" cause my brain thought "We deserve this after 1 year clean" (read, set myself up for a massive cycle of guilt, shame, and self-loathing + long-term fear of STDs and sabotage of real, honest and safe relationships with new people in my life). I did resist today, but I am afraid I'll collapse under pressure tomorrow or even late tonight. I acted like a robot for half a day, under the hypnotic urge to relapse and then "use wisely the new tools to manage my compulsions". Dissociation at its worst. Keeping myself busy to tire my brain is the key. I did exercise today as well, but it looks like my brain is overcharged (probably the combo hot weather, I am in Italy, + seeing hot women everywhere all day long is driving my sexual needs. I'll try and attend a SMART meeting online tomorrow. Brutal day today. Just wanted to vent. Thank you for your support. My heart goes out to all of you who fight these urges and tackle this beast of an addiction/compulsion on the daily, or whenever it gets reactivated. You are an inspiration, honestly.
Whatever you want to share, I am here to take it in.
Thanks.