Feeling horrible
I have a brain tumor. Surgery is scheduled and the date is coming up quick.
SO will be taking time off of work, has made it very apparent his goal is to get me self sufficient by week 2. Which... isnt feasible. Average recovery time is 2-6months. Its... brain surgery.
I take care of our under 10 SS. We're week on week off during the summer. I will be solo with SS after SO goes back to work. Edit: SO has said he'll take SS to gparents house while SO is at work, drop off in the am then pick up in the pm. I forgot SO said this, oddly enough im a little forgetful these days. Still doesnt help the fact that SS will feel like he cant be home and will just be shuffled about. SO disagrees with that, saying SS will be happy to be at gparents and wont feel that way at all. Again, im currently the one who spends the most time with SS but SO ignored me when i mentioned that.
We get SS back 2 days after im out of surgery. SO said SS will go to gparents house for a couple days then be home. I expressed a bunch of feelings, mostly that SS will feel shipped off to gparents house, that SS wont see that SO is helping me but that he's being put second to my needs. I asked to swap weeks with BM, maybe be able to get SS back a week early in the fall. SO shut that down. I then asked for a couple extra days at BMs house. SO got really angry, doesn't agree with what im saying.
I know in my gut this isnt going to be easy, surgery or recovery. And as awful as it is, right now im so stressed that even hearing SS run down the hall makes me irritable. It doesnt help that i take over a majority of SS care since SO works fulltime and i KNOW that irritation and annoyance will only be worse post-op.
A part of me thinks SO wants SS there to help SO feel better. A part of me thinks SO is trying to use this as a learning opportunity for SS to see how our family treats sick people. And another part of me feels totally abandoned. Ive built up a lot of F-you energy about it and i dont even want SO's help post op anymore. But i cant do this alone. I have no one else but him to help me.
I just need some support here. I cant stop crying. I feel awful and selfish and alone and hurt. I dont feel like im asking for a lot but now i just feel so bad and like SO is totally ignoring the only request ive made about all of this...