u/AuYosemite

I have been off all dating apps for almost 2 months now and it’s gotten me to self reflect about the journey for love. I wrote a previous post about Henrik Karlsson’s essay on ‘Finding Alice’. I’ve been off and on the apps for years now, as long as I can remember. I’ve come to realize that I have been making the same mistakes over and over again.

In Henrik’s second essay, he writes: “A person can’t be contained in your ideas
about them. This was a core idea for us. To
whatever extent I assumed I knew who
Johanna was, I treated her as something that I
could fit in my head — as something smaller
than me. But she couldn’t fit in my head, nor I
in hers: that was the exciting thing about it.
You can only ever know another individual if
you meet them in open dialogue — if you treat
them as unfinished, as capable of surprise.”

I let potential romantic partners go too soon. I overthink things in my head and decide that because of the surface level things I’ve learned about them, there’s no room for compatibility. But, that couldn’t be less true. Any woman I am talking to can’t possibly be contained in my ideas about them. I’m my own worst enemy. I’ve met so many awesome people and I didn’t give them a chance. I didn’t give them time to develop into an ‘Alice’ (soul-mate) because I already decided in my head they couldn’t possibly be one.

I do believe now that if we keep an open mind about anything, whether it’s dating or not, the possibilities are endless. So next time I go on a date, I’m going to remind myself that my potential relationship with this person is a blank canvas. And we can make anything with it, if we keep our hearts and minds open to it. And that starts with me saying in my head: Be present, don’t think past this moment.

Dinner: chicken and waffles

It’s been over a year now since my relationship ended with a girl that I thought I’d never find. I’m only 28 but I’ve felt this loneliness and sadness since I was in high school. Being the youngest of 4, I’ve watched as my siblings all fell in love and got married. As friends around me fell in love and got into relationships too. And I wanted those same things but I was too picky. Writing people off before I got to know them or not taking the chance when I had it.

When I met her, I had deleted the dating apps for what felt like the hundredth time. It was different immediately, never had I connected with someone so instantly. We spent days and days with each other and we fell so quickly. A year later, we broke up and I can honestly say that I’m not the same person I was before her. I had never been in a serious relationship. I grew complacent early, stopped putting in the effort that brought me close to her, and I constantly second guessed myself.

Everyday I would tell myself, is this the girl that’s meant for me? Dating around for years had led me to believe that the perfect partner was someone who checked off all of the boxes. But I learned that’s not how it works, and I wasn’t vulnerable. I didn’t open up like I should have.

So here I am, a little over a year since we broke up and I feel like I’ve gained clarity that I wish I had before I met her. I lost her because of my inaction, my second guessing, my inattention to her wants and needs. I’m grateful that I got to know her and she taught me that love is a flower that you plant and nurture and always care for. You don’t stop just because it’s blooming.

I’m trying my best to be happy with who I am. With loving to spend time by myself and take care of myself. To not be jealous of the love and partnership that surrounds me via my friends and family. That if I ever meet someone again who cares for me and loves me for who I am, that I need to be grateful for them everyday. To be vulnerable, to always put in effort no matter how hard it might seem, and to live in the present.

I read a beautiful essay that changed my perspective on dating and love. In the essay, the author says: “I didn’t look for someone to walk beside; I looked for someone who had already walked my path.” And that sums up my entire dating history in one sentence.

If you want to read the essay, it’s “Looking for Alice” by Henrik Karlsson. Thanks for reading.

Dinner: Potato dumplings with goat cheese, truffle, and melted Bursztyn cheese