I couldn't think how else to title this, I don't know if it's really the most appropriate question for the situation. But... I guess the short of it is, I come from a background of poverty, drug abuse, alcoholism, abuse and probably everything else you can think of. I (27, F) in the past few years have managed to seperate from my family for the most part, move away, work to support myself, figure out how to be independent, etcetera. My Whole Life Story would be too long, but the only thing that really matters is, I come from a very matriarchal and co-dependant family and it's been very difficult to get away from.
So, I've physically succeeded in getting away, mentally, it's still a long journey I guess. But since my great grandmother died about a year ago, my family has been falling apart more rapidly than ever.
My mother is extremely emotionally dependant on me and texts me every single day to tell me about every horrible thing that happens to her. She 'borrows' money from me a lot, I can get by, but I'm not wealthy. I'm a 'scrapes by to support myself' minimum wage worker. Her mother tells me to stop giving her money... but I feel so guilty I can't say no—her life really is that bad.
She sends me photos of how disgusting her living situation is (they're horrible, one of the most recent was a dirt caked floor smeared with faeces and like 13 cups of urine with cigarette butts floating in them for example) and it breaks my heart. She tells me constantly that she only eats once a week, or sleeps 3 hours a day etc every day something new and calamitous happens, something breaks, she's fucked over on something, she loses something, an animal gets hit by a car and she gives me graphic details about holding it covered in blood and vomit, they are going to lose their house, she's going to be homeless, she won't get her pain pills anymore because xyz so she's going to go into withdrawals and die, only thing she lives for is gone and she constantly talks about suicide and life not being worth living etc (I don't think she's in danger of actually committing suicide, she's talk about it from my earliest childhood memories, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear.)
To be honest, this is just barely scratching the surface. And I have to emphasize, it's every day, typically many long messages multiple times a day. It makes it so hard for me to try and enjoy my life, when I know things are so horrible for her and the rest of my family. The guilt eats me alive. But I'm not in some magical position to fix their lives, I've barely figured out how to have my own.
I've been in therapy, a little. I've been told to 'set boundaries' with her. But how can I? She tells me all the time that I'm the only friend she has. I don't even respond to most of the stuff she sends me, I don't know how, beyond saying "I'm sorry things are so bad." It doesn't even matter if she stopped telling me—her life won't stop being horrible. I'll still know.
I guess that's my real question, or maybe I just hope someone will relate in some way. How do you 'make a better life for yourself' while knowing you are leaving behind family in poverty & suffering?
I'm not going to be a doctor or anyone important. I won't ever have the money to just... save them. It's not possible. I barely even know what to do with myself, but I'm trying. But it feels like my family hangs over my neck like a guillotine, no matter what I do with my life I'll always feel guilty for having 'abandoned' them. I spent years being a caretaker, and I've never stopped feeling guilty for leaving instead of giving up my entire life to them.
How can I be happy when I'm reminded constantly that the people who raised me will die miserably, having lived their entire lives in misery?
Will probably end up deleting this thread but if anyone reads it, thank you.