Fear of being perceived
I hate being looked at or recognized by strangers.
I have a restaurant where I use to go and I hate when they recognize me and I have to small talk. I just want to order my thing and go.
I also hate when I am sitting at a restaurant and the waiter keeps asking if everything is alright. Like if I have a problem, I will call you but leave me alone 😭.
Same when I am in a shop and they ask me if I need help.
It obligates me to perform, to smile, think about a script and it’s tiring even if the interaction is short. It also burts my comfort bubble that helps me put a foot outside and I have to build it again and it consumes my social battery.
I once have a conversation about dogs with a random old man and now, everytime he sees me, he said hi and if he doesn’t ear my hi, he will insist and that is so annoying to the point where I regret having a conversation with him.
There’re times where I just wanna go non-verbal or I am upset or tired and I don’t feel like talking but because someone recognizes me, I have to smile and say that I am doing good.
There was this one time, a neighbor asked me where was my dog when I just find out about the neighbor’s existence.
It’s really uncomfortable to know that strangers that you don’t even know they exist, know that I exist bc I don’t really care about strangers or acknowledging them. I wouldn’t like it so I don’t do it to others but also, I am too much in my head to think about the poeple surrounding me.
It puts me in a sort of intimacy that I don’t want to be in but force to.
Everytime I put on a cute outfit, I have to prepare myself mentally to be looked at. Not because I am ashamed or shy but just the thought of someone thinking about me without my consent is disturbing.
Idk if I can get rid of this feeling but I wanna know if someone else feels the same way ? And where does it come from ?