Duty or Can't Say No?
Looking for fellow long time spouses or retirees with families to reply.
We've been married for about 15 years and we have 1 kiddo. My husband is on submarines and is climbing the ranks. We're on a sea tour right now (not our first rodeo, but first with a kid old enough to get it). He's been deployed and come home already, but hasn't had a day off in over a month. He was supposed to have this weekend off. He's fully exhausted and was looking forward to spending some family time. He had 1 full day off today and...
You guessed it. He got a call that he may have to go back in tomorrow....
And then he got a call later that he was able to not go in, and seemed really relieved BUT another sailor called and asked him for a ride to the airport... Which is a minimum 3 hour round trip DRIVE, and gas is currently over the $5.50 mark here and there is a toll bridge involved, so that's a tall ask. There is no financial arrangement and this isn't a friend who would likely ever be willing/able to return the favor in any way. No one from the command has reached out for kinship and every time I have attempted to connect with folks I've been turned down (though it's not necessarily a complaint, I'm definitely busy and have my own friends).
(For context, there is a very reliable shuttle that costs about $50 round trip.)
Help me understand and reframe. Is this a lack of boundaries (like he can't say no because he's an LPO and this is likely a PO so he feels responsible for the person even outside of work?)? I asked why he 'has to take him to the airport last minute' and the answer was 'because he asked'. Do they just never say, "Sorry man, I've got family time. But here's the number to the shuttle if you need a lift." Is it an overactive sense of duty? He seemed put out and annoyed when he told me.
I believe behavior is a language, and that's a pretty loud message - choosing to be grossly inconvenienced (and spend a pretty good chink of change a couple weeks before our already planned family vacation/leave) on the one weekend you've had with your family in over a month... Or is this that sense of always being at work even when you're not as you step into leadership roles (he make chief) that sea duty brings? Like family NEVER comes first on sea duty. I know his schedule is very fluid and unreliable, but this seems to be a choosen task - not a work assignment.
We're obviously going to talk more, but I want to think things through and make sure I'm not missing the perspective here. We left it as me saying, "You are choosing this. You know you don't have to get up at 5am and take this guy to the airport. You are choosing this." And he agreed and understood that it's a choice.