r/USMilitarySO

I (22f) and my bf (24m) have been together since around April or May of this year. He is military and talks about getting married all the time, and I definitely see that future with him! I love him to pieces and he’s amazing to me, I just don’t think he is ready for marriage any time soon. Or at least not ready to be a husband or a father. There’s a pretty reasonably sized communication gap that we have, and I’m the only one who is actively trying to manage our relationship. I’m the only one working and noticing issues and trying to work at getting them solved. He just doesn’t have any issues and I’m not sure why. He is getting a PCS order in February after his schooling and he wants to get married before he leaves. I just don’t think it’s smart, he wants to get eloped and solve our problems after marriage. I don’t think that is the right way to go about this, but I also have no clue because Ive never been in a relationship with someone in the military or someone who treats me well. I just don’t know what to think of this situation.

And our communication problems are more along the lines of he doesn’t call me, not even for 5-10 minutes on days we don’t see each other during the week. He said it builds dependency. But I really need that emotional connection. I don’t want to spend hours and hours on the phone with him, I just want him to want to talk to me. And when I call him, he answers almost as if I’m bothering him. Very flat toned, short answers, not interested in talking. On days we aren’t together, he hardly messages me.

Last night, he went out with his friend to a bar/food stop where his ex-hookup works and he didn’t tell me. I had to check his location (which I never do btw because he always tells me where he’s going) and he even said he was “so tired” but still went out with his friend to that bar last night instead of being with me. He knows that bar makes me uncomfortable and he went there and didn’t tell me about it, I find that to be a little inconsiderate.

I do love him, and I want to be with him. I worry that he may not be ready to be a husband. I can’t even imagine doing long distance with him and I can’t imagine how he’d be during a deployment.

My question today is mainly just asking, based on this information, is getting eloped/married in February even a good idea based on these issues? My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me to marry him, so are my grandparents and sisters. I want to make sure I make the right choice for me.

I appreciate anyone taking the time to read my post. Thank you!

My boyfriend left for bmt at Fort Benning on August 3, and the last time I heard from him was August 14. It’s now October 9, and I haven’t received any calls, letters, or other contact from him in eight weeks. I’ve been having trouble getting information about him from his family. I know they’ve received a letter from him, but they haven’t been willing to share any of his information with me. Has anyone experienced a similar situation or gone six to eight weeks or longer without contact? I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences because this has become frustrating, especially knowing I may have another two months before I hear from him again.

UPDATE I FOUND HIM AND IM CRYING THANK YOI AGAIN YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

this is just a general theory. I have no idea if this is correct, but my boyfriend was paying his phone bill, by himself, with his part-time job, but he wasn’t making enough money for him to be able to pay it while he was at boot camp, and his family I’m pretty sure wouldn’t help him and pays his bill while at boot camp, so I feel like the reason that I haven’t spoken to him in eight weeks is because they didn’t pay his phone bill, then they wouldn’t give me his information, basically isolating him from being able to receive things and pretty much isolating him But I have no idea if this is correct just a theory but i’m so relieved that he got his information from the helpful people on Reddit!!

My husband is deploying and I am wondering if it’s reasonable for me to ask for some of his BAH. We were married earlier this year and we were long distance. Before we got married I lived with my parents and he lived in the barracks. After we got married I wasn’t paying any rent. When he deploys I plan to go back to my family and live with them. We have kinda joint finances. We have mostly separate finances; we’re added onto each other’s credit cards and bank accounts so sometimes he’ll spend on my credit card and vice versa, and sometimes he’ll send me money to pay my credit card and vice versa, but our income is deposited into our own accounts. I know everyone’s situation is different, but do you think I should get some of his BAH? I don’t plan to spend it frivolously (or at all), it’s mostly about whether it’s reasonable for me to feel entitled to it. Before I got married I did not pay any rent or expenses living with my family. If I need to pay now since I’m married, I would definitely be asking for money from my husband. I think that’s reasonable. I haven’t had the discussion with my family on whether I should be contributing financially to their household and property while I live there. Interested to hear your input. Thanks y’all.

I’ve always done long distance, but I haven’t done long distance with someone on rotation. My boyfriend (28m) is currently on one and he told me it would be difficult but I didn’t understand it would be this difficult.

His shifts are always changing and he’s always exhausted. He does his best to respond when he can.

I do have friends and a life outside of him, but life has been throwing me a lot of curves and I just miss him.

It sucks because this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I just know that’s not a statement to tell him right now. That statement would stress him out and I don’t want that and he doesn’t need that.

My friends are having a hard time understanding why I can’t express that to him. It’s not that I can never express it. It’s something to express when he comes home and he’s done with his rotation, not in the middle of it.

My husband just finished week 1 of bmt and I feel like it’s getting harder as the days go on. We have a 2 month old and 2 older kids. He started the process before we found out I was pregnant, and luckily we were able to have some wiggle room with timing for when he shipped off since he was in DEP.

I’m writing him a letter every other day. Going to the gym, spending time at the beach/outside when I can, talking to/spending time with family+friends, going to therapy weekly and even sending him little texts sporadically. I am just SO SAD almost the entirety of my day, every day. Im having trouble sleeping and eating…I really didn’t think it was going to be like this for me. Especially since I’m proactively trying to keep myself busy and stay on top of my mental health.

I know we still have to work through the process of him being in tech school, but luckily that will be very close to home so we’ll be able to see him on the weekends, and of course I know he’ll have his phone so that will be a plus.

Anything specifically that helped you guys through this time? Or perhaps some words of encouragement?

Thank you

Hello! I really need some advice and honestly just want to feel seen. ❤️
A little backstory: My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We’ve been married for almost 2 years and together for a total of 8 years! He is truly my best friend and literally the best husband. He is incredibly supportive and genuinely such an amazing man.
The only thing is that I’m not completely satisfied with our sex life, and it’s not because of the actual sex itself, but the frequency. That’s what makes it so hard!
My husband has been tested for ADHD and is currently trying to get medication for it, so I don’t know if that could have anything to do with it. He is just so exhausted from work that I feel like sex never even crosses his mind. It also doesn’t help that I have a pretty high sex drive, which I think is partly connected to a porn addiction I struggled with starting when I was around 4th grade.
I just feel like a bad wife for making him feel like a “bad” husband. The thing is, he is AMAZING in bed, so I would honestly be happy doing it almost every day. I know that probably isn’t realistic, but I think he would genuinely be fine with having sex maybe once a month.
He also rarely initiates anything or interacts with me in a sexual way outside of sex itself. You always see TikToks about husbands randomly grabbing their wives’ butts, boobs, or just being flirty and touchy throughout the day, and I feel like we don’t really have that. I miss feeling desired in that way, and sometimes I feel like we’ve fallen into the roommate stage of our relationship.
At the same time, I want to be a good wife and respect the fact that he is genuinely exhausted from his job. He is an 11B at Fort Carson, so he is constantly gone for training, sometimes for weeks at a time, and his workdays are usually from 4 a.m. to at least 5 p.m. I completely understand that he is tired, and I don’t want him to feel pressured or like he isn’t a good husband just because our sex drives are different.
I love him so much, and our relationship is amazing in so many ways. I just miss that physical intimacy and feeling wanted by my husband. Has anyone else experienced something like this? How do you navigate having very different sex drives in a marriage without making either person feel bad? I just feel like such a bad wife for even being upset about this when he is so amazing in every other way. ❤️

Apologies if this isn’t the right place to post but I’m really starting to worry. My SO just got back from deployment. We’ve talked about how he’s feeling but he’s not really the best at opening up but he’s said enough that I’ve become concerned for his mental health.

Context: it was his first deployment and they were underway for 5 months and one port call, no emails either.

Edit: more context: he’s been back a bit over a week but has been working crazy hours, worse than before he left. He hasn’t gotten much time to sleep, has duty every couple days and hasn’t had a day off. Is this normal?

I’m a Washington resident, military spouse living in the UK with our son.

We came here because of my husband’s military assignment. He left our marriage and moved in with a local girl, while our son and I’ve been left here trying to figure out how to get home.

I have no independent UK visa. Just the SOFA accompaniment. My ability to stay is tied to his status as “visiting military”. If that ends, I can’t stay here or continue working/renting.

At the same time, I can’t afford to get myself, the kid, our belongings and our two large dogs back to the United States without the military’s resources. I’m trying to get an Early Return of Dependents, but getting our dogs home isn’t on the agenda.

The divorce itself may take six months or longer. I could stay legally married for another year or two, while already being treated by the military like I don’t exist anymore. I can’t even get a PO Box here for US mail.

My husband continues receiving his military pay and overseas benefits while providing very limited support to us. He hasn’t spoken to either of us since he left.

I’ve been asking his command for help for months.
I’m not asking the military to fix my marriage. I’m just asking for help getting the family it brought overseas back to the US before I lose the legal ability to remain here.
**I can’t stay here without military status, and I can’t get home whole without military assistance.**
I need to know what options exist for a dependent left in this position.

Things I have tried - writing to the commander, the wing commander, chaplains, the shirts, the key spouse, Red Cross, Family Advocacy, our state representatives, dogs on deployment and the embassy.

I’m not a victim, I’m just dealing with some shitty circumstances. My husband is in special operations and about to retire here … so I feel like a lot of the blocks I’m dealing with are because of that. The AF spent a lot of money on him, and I’m not welcome anymore. Ex wives are always crazy.
I do want to leave, he can have the British girlfriend. I just want to leave with what I brought here. That’s what an ERD is supposed to do?

Edit to add - if you suggest leaving the dogs behind, please don’t bother. I’ve heard it, and it’s not gonna happen. That’s really shitty.
If you’re gonna be mean get it out of your system … but it won’t make you feel better and I can’t feel worse :)

Last night I had a realization/panick moment about my boyfriend leaving for Army basic and then Rangers training in January. The original plan was to both enlist, get married, and do duel but I was unfortunately rejected due to a medical issue. I told my boyfriend that I don’t want that to discourage him and that I want him to keep reaching for what he dreamt of. I still believe that even though the fear is starting to creep in.

Our plan is to still get married and then I will move around with him. I’m sure some people believe I am scared because military people cheat all the time. The reason I’m not scared about that is because my boyfriend is extremely loyal and dies on that hill, if anything were to happen or he found interest in someone else, I have confidence that he will do the very least and tell me immediately so that I can move on. What i’m really scared about is just how long he is going to be gone for. Ranger training is broken up into three sections…

Basic Bootcamp - 10 weeks, possibly a phone call or text on Sundays

Airborn school - 3 weeks, I could be able to see him on weekends

RASP 1 - 8 weeks, barley any contact at all

Since my boyfriend and I have been together we have barely spent more than three days apart. We live together, have a life together, we are each others best friends. Imagining a period of time where I could have no contact with him or even see his face breaks my heart. It almost makes me not want to go through with it, but I know waiting for him and being that support system for him will ultimately show each other we can do hard things. I’m scared of navigating without him. Where am I supposed to live? How will I pay for everything? I am young and scared.

I still want him to go, I still want him to do what he loves. I am actively recovering from BPD and don’t want my fears to stop him. Please give me advice. Thank you.

So my wife left for BCT two weeks ago and I’ve started getting some anxiety. I’m worried that she won’t feel the same way about me when she comes back, or that she is relieved to be gone and away from me. I got a letter from her talking about how much she misses me and can’t wait to come home which made me feel good for that day but not having more communication is really hard.

I’m so proud of her and she inspires me to do better for myself every single day. But how do I get passed the what ifs.

I still want her to be my cutie wife who needs me when she gets back. Looking for advice.

My boyfriend was able to call me during reception and he told me that he would send me the scripted call this past Wednesday. He ended up calling me but I missed it since it was 5am my time so I'm not 100% sure if it was the scripted call since there was no voicemail or anything. Will I have to wait for a letter with all his information? I'm just worried because I don't want to have to wait a long time to be able to send him letters. Is there any other way to figure out his mailing address?