Boyfriends kink makes me sad
I guess I’m posting to seek genuine advice here or an outside perspective. I really don’t know where else to go, posting about this stuff on Reddit is scary because it’s usually met with alot of angry men telling you you’re irrational and crazy. So I just ask that if you have something to say, be gentle. I hope this is a safe place.
I am 18(f) and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (19) for 7 months. I’m so happy. He’s a genuine sweetheart of a person. I’ve been through so much sexual harassment and negative experiences regarding men, as have most women, but being with him has genuinely given me hope and made me feel so incredibly safe and loved.
He was my first everything. I hadn’t been with anyone before him, romantically or sexually. It is also his first romantic relationship, but he has been with other girls sexually before me.
As our relationship progresses, I feel myself becoming more sensitive about sex. When we first starting going out and having discussions about what we’re “into” sexually, he mentioned that head was his biggest turn on. Throughout our relationship, he has doubled down on this a few times. He would be more specific and used the words “rough oral”, when we sext, he would talk about me giving him head in a rough way. (To clarify, I am into being dominated and have voiced that. Do the rough aspect is completely consensual and something I have voiced as well). I have horrible TMJ that gets worse when I give him head. He tells me every time that I don’t have to do it, and to wait until my jaw gets better. He has never pressured me to do anything and is always extremely respectful. He’s told me before, if there’s anything I don’t want to do, it’s perfectly ok. But that’s not the issue for me. I actually like doing it. Which is why I don’t know why this bothers me so much.
Something about that being his biggest turn on has really bugged me. Not in a kink shaming way or anything. It just makes me sad for some reason. Like his biggest turn on is something that has nothing to do with my body or pleasure. I feel horrible for feeling so grossed out by it because I never want to shame him or anybody for what they like. But it seriously makes me sad for some reason.
I brought it up to him a while ago and told him how I’ve been feeling and that it made me sad that something so non intimate and sort of objectifying was what he found most exciting. He sent a genuine paragraph telling me that it’s not true anymore, and he hadn’t realized his kinks have changed. I can’t remember word for word what he said, but basically, he reassured me that that was before me and his feelings about intimacy have changed.
I said ok, and went on with life. It made me feel better, but every now and again feelings of doubt and anxiety come up about it. I’m in a reassurance loop. I just don’t believe him. I feel like he only said that to make me feel better, especially since he had mentioned it being his biggest kink again like a week before this discussion.
We talked about it today and he told me the reason he doesn’t like it as much anymore is because “he felt like he was hurting me (the TMJ) and that it didn’t feel intimate).
This made me feel worse. Because it’s not like something else excites him more, it’s my reaction to it that changed his feelings. I feel genuinely crazy for being so sensitive about this. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could get over my insecurities about sex in general. It’s just such a new thing for me, he’s the only person I’ve ever been intimate with.
I don’t know why I’m writing this post. The problem is that I don’t think anything could make me feel better cause this was a pre established kink he had before he met me. That alone is what makes me so uncomfortable.
I’m well aware this is irrational. Please be kind. I’m just trying to navigate sex for the very first time and need to get it off my chest because I don’t want to keep bringing this up to him or building resentment. How do I stop being so emotional about something so stupid