r/HL_Women_Only

I guess I’m posting to seek genuine advice here or an outside perspective. I really don’t know where else to go, posting about this stuff on Reddit is scary because it’s usually met with alot of angry men telling you you’re irrational and crazy. So I just ask that if you have something to say, be gentle. I hope this is a safe place.

I am 18(f) and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (19) for 7 months. I’m so happy. He’s a genuine sweetheart of a person. I’ve been through so much sexual harassment and negative experiences regarding men, as have most women, but being with him has genuinely given me hope and made me feel so incredibly safe and loved.
He was my first everything. I hadn’t been with anyone before him, romantically or sexually. It is also his first romantic relationship, but he has been with other girls sexually before me.

As our relationship progresses, I feel myself becoming more sensitive about sex. When we first starting going out and having discussions about what we’re “into” sexually, he mentioned that head was his biggest turn on. Throughout our relationship, he has doubled down on this a few times. He would be more specific and used the words “rough oral”, when we sext, he would talk about me giving him head in a rough way. (To clarify, I am into being dominated and have voiced that. Do the rough aspect is completely consensual and something I have voiced as well). I have horrible TMJ that gets worse when I give him head. He tells me every time that I don’t have to do it, and to wait until my jaw gets better. He has never pressured me to do anything and is always extremely respectful. He’s told me before, if there’s anything I don’t want to do, it’s perfectly ok. But that’s not the issue for me. I actually like doing it. Which is why I don’t know why this bothers me so much.

Something about that being his biggest turn on has really bugged me. Not in a kink shaming way or anything. It just makes me sad for some reason. Like his biggest turn on is something that has nothing to do with my body or pleasure. I feel horrible for feeling so grossed out by it because I never want to shame him or anybody for what they like. But it seriously makes me sad for some reason.

I brought it up to him a while ago and told him how I’ve been feeling and that it made me sad that something so non intimate and sort of objectifying was what he found most exciting. He sent a genuine paragraph telling me that it’s not true anymore, and he hadn’t realized his kinks have changed. I can’t remember word for word what he said, but basically, he reassured me that that was before me and his feelings about intimacy have changed.
I said ok, and went on with life. It made me feel better, but every now and again feelings of doubt and anxiety come up about it. I’m in a reassurance loop. I just don’t believe him. I feel like he only said that to make me feel better, especially since he had mentioned it being his biggest kink again like a week before this discussion.

We talked about it today and he told me the reason he doesn’t like it as much anymore is because “he felt like he was hurting me (the TMJ) and that it didn’t feel intimate).
This made me feel worse. Because it’s not like something else excites him more, it’s my reaction to it that changed his feelings. I feel genuinely crazy for being so sensitive about this. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could get over my insecurities about sex in general. It’s just such a new thing for me, he’s the only person I’ve ever been intimate with.

I don’t know why I’m writing this post. The problem is that I don’t think anything could make me feel better cause this was a pre established kink he had before he met me. That alone is what makes me so uncomfortable.

I’m well aware this is irrational. Please be kind. I’m just trying to navigate sex for the very first time and need to get it off my chest because I don’t want to keep bringing this up to him or building resentment. How do I stop being so emotional about something so stupid

Just returned from holiday. I'm always so horny in the heat, so really struggle with the lack of sex. He is attentive when out, holding hands etc but im sure that's an display of ownership.

He finally mentioned sex (after Dutch courage) and that he knew he was lacking etc. I told him not to worry, that I will never initiate again as the rejection is too painful and damaging. I told him that I have finally come to the conclusion and accepted that he is not sexual (for me?). I didn't have the courage to ask to open the marriage (not sure if I actually want to).

The remaining part of the holiday was so relaxing, he felt no pressure to perform and I felt no rejection.

I will however try to take a toy with me in future (recommendations welcome). As a woman in my 50s, I have no desire to destroy our life that we have built. We gave a great relationship apart from the bedroom. He is thoughtful, caring and shows acts of love. He just isn't sexual.

I have had to repress my sexual desires my whole life. Growing up, I saw marriage as an escape from this. Throughout my 20s I worked hard to deconstruct purity culture and accept that my sexual desires are normal and natural, but no one I wanted to be with wanted to be with me.

Then I finally found someone. I felt safe, loved, desired. It was great until it wasn’t. Now I’m married to someone who can barely be intimate with me more than a couple times a month and knows how much that hurts me but never does anything about it. He’ll blame adhd, hormones, work. But he won’t do anything to address those issues.

No matter how much I’ve done to try to accept that this is just how he is, it doesn’t stop hurting. No matter how much I’ve done to make my needs smaller, nothing works. Not therapy, not meditation, not venting with friends who will never understand what it’s like to feel this undesirable. I feel so lost and helpless. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to have sexual desires if it means having to hold all this pain unendingly.

we went away for my birthday, our first holiday abroad since we got together in 2022. I paid for contraceptive pills to delay my period, partly to avoid the hassle but also because i stupidly got my hopes up that we would have sex. LOL.

We didn’t have sex the whole holiday. On the last night he told me he wanted to the other day but he was soooo tired and I just sort of went 🙂 ok.

We’re on holiday with NO responsibilities, if you don’t feel up to sex now when the fuck will you? We’ve had sex 5 times this year, I feel like a fucking nun.

I put so much effort into looking good, hair removal fake lashes nails done new bikini LOADS. We kissed a few times but that was essentially it. No point bringing it up, it always turns into a conversation where he feels sorry for himself and my needs get pushed aside.

I know this is a ridiculous question. But seriously. I need to stop wanting and I guess needing sex? It’s a constant fight between us. It’s not a completely dead bedroom but it’s not as much as I’d like to have. So how do I stop?

As titled. My boyfriend (33M) and I (31F) have been together for 5 1/2 years now, and have lived together for the past 3. Not only is he LL (maybe just for me?) but also gets very defensive when I try to bring up our intimacy issues. So far the frequency has been less than once every 2 months, riddled with ED and 2 minute quickies, and I am starting to feel that I am LL4him too. Doesn’t help that every association I have with him and sex is rejection or being put down. To complicate things, we also have a pet together.

This is really venting, but also wanting successful cases to share how they’ve broken up and regained confidence and have since lived a better more fulfilling life. I feel stuck and alone, and not many people will understand why I’m breaking up on the outside because we seem so “stable”. Ladies?😢

Last night, I took a shower. Put on sexy pajamas. Things start to heat up then he says he’s not feeling it. I go have some time to myself after a while & i just started crying. The reality of being in a marriage where you are never the one being pursued just hurts so bad. I have spent my entire early 20s begging this man to want me & be intimate with me…. That is so wild. 7 years. It is impossible not to reminisce on how good it felt to be pursued when I was single. It is so daunting to know that this is the rest of my life. If he didn’t want me at 19 & doesn’t want me at 26… it seems obvious things aren’t going to turn around as I get older. I am so tired of googling “how to look more like a porn star” and “how to make my husband want me.” I am so tired of exercising & shaving my legs & getting dressed up just to be told maybe tomorrow. I have never rejected him one single time. It is so hard. I just want to be wanted. I am so humiliated, defeated, & frustrated. Any advice, commiseration, encouragement, etc is welcome. I just feel so alone & weird. Why can’t i be like my low libido friends whose husbands will do anything for some sexual attention? Why can’t I be desired like the girls on his screen? It just sucks so bad

I think this is the area where right before you leave, you can’t stand to be around the person anymore. He’s not doing anything wrong, he is wanting my attention and trying to get my attention, but I think it’s bc I’m checked out. He’s still trying to go on dates here and there …every once in a while, but they don’t lead to any connection anyways. I’m just at the point where I don’t want sex from him, at all, and when he has tried I full blown ignore it and freeze or just blow him off. I have always had this attraction to him, and I just don’t have it anymore. I avoid almost everything I can, texting, talking, spending time with him, etc. I don’t think it’s resentment, but maybe it is creeping back in, but this time with the feelings of no return. It’s just different this time.