I met my boyfriend roughly 2-3 months ago. We have since become official and our relationship is overall healthy, with our values aligned. He is very gentle with me, very kind, always listens to me and validates my feelings. He spoils me and we get along great. However there is one persistent problem that causes me constant anxiety and feelings of uncomfortableness... his girl best friend. I want to give more context and make sure it's understood that, I do not have any problem with opposite gender friends. As long as that is all that they are, strictly platonic. I understand that as people we have complex emotions and feelings, that often are messy and unresolved even while we enter the relationship. It is normal to develop crushes on friends whilst single or to keep in touch with an ex-fling or two. However I am having some serious second thoughts about my relationship and whether or not I should break it off.
I apologize for the rambling, here is the context of the situation. On our second date, my now boyfriend told me that he "used" to have feelings for his girl best friend and that he needs to resolve this with her and tell her, because he didn't want their friendship to be strained. He told me that he really likes me and that he wants to continue seeing me but that he is putting it on pause. I thanked him for being honest and told him I won't wait around for him but that I wish him luck with resolving this. We didn't speak for a week. He apparently gave her a call immediately after our date had ended, to tell her. They remained friends and he contacted me after giving it some thought, whether or not it would be fair to me and if he would be ready to move forward with me. I was understanding and decided to continue seeing him, because I did grow to like him a lot. I thought that maybe he would have taken some time apart from her...distance himself, to fully close that chapter. Until the topic of their friendship was brought up again...and again...and again.
She's been in his life for almost 2 years and has been there for him when he needed it, and he has been there for her. She expressed no interest in pursuing anything further, and the feelings were solely from his side. As far as I am aware. However, every time I had calmed down and I felt secure and safe and didn't think anything of their friendship and just accepted it. He has brought up how he doesn't know what to do; how to act around her, how to continue forward with their friendship,...I found out he has been slowly distancing himself from her? She contacted him to complain about her ex and got mad at him for not responding to her. Every time he talked about her, it just irked me. I have never met her, just saw what she looked like and that made things worse, complete opposite of me and looks like a model.
Our recent fight, while nothing heavy, just two people who don't know what to do, ended in tears for the both of us, he left me alone in his bed while he went in another room to sleep. I ended up crying for a few hours and could not sleep at all and was planning to go back home after getting some sleep. In the morning, we talked, he told me that sent her a paragraph, and once again I felt hurt. He didn't bother to check up on me, a few hours later after our fight, but was already typing out a message to her, to soothe her feelings. It honestly made me feel awful. Before I came along, their friendship was already breaking apart and they didn't hang out and he was jealous of the guy she was with. I asked him, what he hopes to have from this friendship, that I'm worried he's only going to start liking her again if they become close again. He swears up and down that even if it didn't workout between me and him, he still wouldn't date her.
The paragraph he sent her, was essentially him VERBALLIZING the distance and space he is taking from her, but in the same breath, he is going to her birthday party on the weekend. He said he is going for an hour only to drop off her gift. They haven't seen each other in weeks either. So far it has felt like, this woman is an active "ghost" and presence in our relationship, he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, he cares about her, he doesn't know if he should stay friends or not, he doesn't know how to talk to her,... it feels like this is his to solve, but so far it has strained our relationship. I am uncomfortable with their friendship but I love him. I just feel like a rebound now or a consolation prize to say the least. I feel like I was the person he jumped to, and he will always be hoping for more with her. I feel like utter sh1t on the side of the road right now.
I have always seen the exact same scenario play out, where the guy is harboring feelings for his attractive best friend who rejected him, eventually either cheating on his partner with her, dating her eventually or having his relationships fail because he prioritizes her and her feelings. I have seen this scenario both online and in real life. It feels hard to soothe myself, but I feel constant dread.