I just graduated college and everyone is congratulating me, but it feels like a nightmare
I've went through many, many mental health ups and downs. So many that it took me 6 years to finish my Bachelor's degree instead of the usual 4, but somehow, I did it.
Now that I've graduated I'm back at home with my parents, which isn't great since I'm transgender and they're extremely unaccepting of me. I'm on testosterone, but I'm constantly having to shave my face or hide myself if my dad's side of the family comes over because they're ashamed of me. My dad yells at my mother and I if I don't shave, even though it makes me dysphoric to the point where I hate looking at myself in the mirror again. Even when I try to leave just a bit on my chin, that's enough to make him furious. I had to shave today and it sent me into a spiral.
Despite graduating, I really hate the aspect of my degree that is profitable and makes money. I've always been more fond of social sciences, but since the tech industry is booming, I need to get a job in that field if I want to make a living for myself and somehow move out. But, even then, I have very noticeable autism to the point that even in 2024, when the job market wasn't nearly as bad in the US, I got rejected from nearly every job I applied to, and the one I got hired at, I was fired within 3 days since it was a canvassing job and I didn't meet the minimum monetary requirement. I can drive and I have my license but I'm not good at it and I haven't practiced in a long time since my parents don't trust me behind the wheel. And when I try to practice, my mom gets scared and my dad gets angry at me.
I have friends and parts of my family that support me, but I feel like a burden, like people only keep me around for entertainment. I'm on medication as well, and I just started seeing my therapist again, but it all just feels like a waste of money to attempt to push aside the inevitable.
I like music, kpop is my favorite, I like animals, I like to draw, write, and play video games. I like some subjects in school, but nothing considered valuable in our society. Even if I like something, I'm not good at anything. I'm not talented or kind or interesting. I'm not even smart. I don't even know how I graduated to be honest.
I should be motivated to keep going given my circumstances, I should be inspired to keep moving forward and make a life of my own, but I just can't. I've been depressed since I was a child. I haven't seen a reason to live in over a decade now, and honestly it has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. The only thing keeping me alive is fear. Fear of pain or disfigurement or judgement. I feel like enough of a burden and I would hate to make it worse on the people around me, because they've done enough by putting up with me. I didn't even think I would see graduation because I wanted to end it all earlier. Today it's all come back to me, I feel clarity in the sense of seeing what I need to do to myself. I even said to myself, if there's a sign for me to stay alive, give it to me now. Then, while we were driving, my mom mistakenly hit an opossum on the road. It sounds silly, but it made me think that the universe also just wants me dead already.
But at the end of the day, I'm still scared. I don't know what to do or make of myself. I don't even know why I posted this.