Hi everyone this is my first post here even though I’ve been reading this sub for a few years I guess?? It helped me so much to understand myself more and validate what i’m feeling. So now i’m finally ready to share something that’s been bothering me lately
So I have a friend since uni. i’ve considered her to be my best friend for over a decade; she’s been chauffeur for my wedding and so on. But last 2-3 years our relationship has changed. That also correlates with me discovering being AuDHD and changing my lifestyle a lot. And her going back to her hometown so we live further from each other now.
We don’t contact each other often and we don’t text much. And when she came to visit I felt so irritated all the time and reasons for that are mainly these:
I’m very sensitive to sound/misophonic. My trigger sounds are mostly human sounds such as sniffling, eating sounds especially talking during eating and some more. She knows about it. And she tries not to make those sounds which I really appreciate but it’s impossible as she has chronic nose problems. So i’m just overwhelmed with her voice and sounds all the time. I tried using earplugs but that feels weird. I probably didn’t suffer from it before as I would just be so numb to my feelings all the time and also we drank pretty heavily then. Now I don’t drink alcohol at all.
I’ve changed the field of my work several times since we finished uni and been in autistic burnout lately. She started getting successful with her work which is within this old field and i’m sick of it. So I don’t feel like listening to her talking about work stuff and that’s what concerns her most of the time. I remember us discussing how we would never be submitted by capitalist corporate work culture and here she is talking about this book she reads about “how to become more productive and to fit 25 hours a day” or something like that I forgot lol
She used to be someone I would look up to. Especially in what comes to being authentic. Lately I’ve discovered a lot more about myself, started actually feeling the feelings, listening to my body and so on. And now I feel some kind of falsity about her like I see her stuck but she says it’s fine. I see her ignoring her needs like I used to. I see her wanting to run away(she literally said that) but staying and digging in even more.
I see her being self-centred but unaware.The last point and probably most controversial. Once she got very drunk and tried to make out with me. That happened a long time ago but I still remember it and it feels not right. We talked about it. This is also the reason I think she’s lying to herself. But at this point it’s about being 100% straight. Because she had similar situations with other girlfriends as I know. I tried to be supportive but I see this sings (and some other) and like cmon girl just stop lying to yourself
I’m very sorry if my text is confusing in some ways. English is not my native language.
I’m just so sad to be loosing a friend. I don’t have many friends. Especially ones who know me for so long. Mostly I spend time with my partner.
I thought I’d ask for some advice but it looks like a vent :)))