Should I allow my kids to meet their other grandma?
TLDR at the bottom.
So background. We have 3 kids together (6, 8, 11) divorced 5 years ago. Reason for divorce was abuse not just toward me but our oldest (ASD) I have full legal custody. He has visitation. Visitation was supervised from 2023-2026 (his request he never wanted to have more than that) the only reason it increased this year was because my children asked for more time with their dad. He did anger management and all the other stuff the courts required of him. If I let him take me back to court he would have gotten more so it was better for me to just settle it with him outside the courts. Also for context my oldest also has some mystery medical thing going on that is increasing everyone’s stress and has him very dysregulated.
When we were married we had our oldest and by the time he was 1 my ex cut his parents off. They were AWFUL to me. Verbally abusive, attacking me, talking about me to my child. My ex voluntarily cut them off when I said “you can still see them but I will not be anymore.” So they only met my oldest a handful of times. They are the type of people who believe you can beat the autism out of someone. That would see an autistic meltdown and immediately have nasty comments. My ASD kiddo doesn’t have meltdowns as frequently anymore but he is hard to understand, difficult to engage with, and is not comfortable around his dad yet.
Plus his family never attempted to reconnect with my ex or meet any of the kids. When my ex and I divorced and he started a relationship with them again, no one ever reached out wanting to have a relationship with my kids. It’s been 5 years and nothing. My kids have only ever known my family. My ex use to have his supervised visits 1hr every other Sunday. He now for the last 2 months has them (of his own choice, he CHOOSES not to have more time) every other Saturday for 3-5hours.
Today my ex texted me and asked about the possibility of my kids meeting his mom. I guess his dad died a few years ago and now he suddenly would feel “so bad” if his mom never met the kids before she passed. I really don’t know how to feel about it. I am the first person to say you can’t control what the coparent does and that it’s only fair for the kids to know their family BUT context does matter. It’s not that I don’t want my kids having a family, it’s the conflict, the timing, the history. It all just doesn’t sit well with me. I need non judgmental opinions on how to handle this. Please I’m trying to figure out not how I feel but what the best course of action is. How to play it so I don’t alienate my kids from their family but also keep them safe. Would it be unreasonable for me to say I need to be at the meetings with his mom? Should I just say no, knowing he won’t push it with the courts?
TLDR: after 10 years and 3 kids my ex wants his mom to meet our kids but he doesn’t even have a good relationship with the kids. I’m not sure what to do.