I yearn for friends who like me
I, 20F, have been struggling with friendships for a while.
In primary school I kept getting bullied for no apparent reason. The bullying lowered my self esteem and I didn't socialise much. When I entered highschool I got my confidence back and started making more friends.
The first friend I made was my roommate, we will call her Sophie. We hit it off instantly and became eachother's first friend in highschool. Even though we were assigned to different classes we hang out during breaks and after school. We could hang out and talk for hours, laugh till we couldn't breathe and shared secrets with eachother. After a few motnhs, Sophie started hanging out with a girl from her class (Jenny). They started doing everything together and gradually Sophie stopped hanging out with me. I tried hanging out with them both, but Jenny constantly pushed me aside or spoke over me, constantly trying to grab Sophie's attention. I also tried to make plans with Sophie only, but whenever I asked her to hang out she already had plans with Jenny. I decided to stop making a fool out of myself and find other friends, even though I considered Sophie my first best friend (I assumed we were really close, I visited her house multiple times, knew her secrets, ...)
Afterwards I started hanging out with my classmates and roommates. We created a friendgroup which consisted of 8 people (all girls). I was very happy, finally feeling like I belong and that I wouldn't get left behind.
We had a tradition of celebrating eachother's birthdays. We decided on buying presents as a group, so that means 1 expensive and personalised present per member. We would wake the birthday girl up at 0:00 to sing them happybirthday and to eat cake together/do shots to celebrate. Everyone shared the expenses. I couldn't wait for my birthday to be celebrated because I love birthdays and thoughtful presents and surprises.
1st year of exchanging presents (2nd year of highschool): Everyone got a big plushie, some sweets and a heartfelt note about how we love them dearly. I got a bag with a pen, a poo stressball and a bag of balloons. It was dropped off by my roommate, wished me a quick happy birthday and left.
2nd year of exchanging presents (3rd year of highschool) - 18th birthdays: We decorated each person's room before their birthday, woke them up at midnight and sang them happy birthday. We ate cake and did shots to celebrate us legally drinking for the first time. We did this even in exam season. The gifts weren't cheap (I made sure to pay my share even though my budget per month was 70euros, including clothing, school supplies, transportation fees, ...) and very personalised (cookbooks, jewlery, an electric coffee maker). When my birthday came round I came into my dormroom with 3 friends, a balloon that was shaped as the number 18 on my bed, 4 small bags of cheap candy (a year before this I started eating only healthy food) and a cheap boba-tea plushie (I don't drink nor like boba, which they knew). I ignored the thoughts of feeling unappreciated and acted grateful and happy.
3rd year of exchanging gifts(last year of highschool): Everyone got a great present again, I paid my share for everyone. I didn't get a present. They forgot about me.
In the last years of highschool I got the feeling that they stopped liking me and didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I felt lonely and not accepted, they started making plans without me and didn't invite me. They stopped putting effort in conversations when talking to me. I always tried to be the type of person you could trust with your troubles but also laugh and have a great time with.
Even now, 1 year after highschool ended, I only have 1 close friend. She visits me twice a month and I love her dearly because she actually wants to be my friend.
Many people told me a few things about me: I am not a mean person, I am easily likeable, thoughtful, kind and am considered pretty. So why, even with a few good traits, can't I make friendships last longer?
I regularly get very emotional and sad when I remember I don't really have friends or a friendgroup who love hanging out with me.
Any advice would be appreciated. I would love to learn how to ignore the feeling of not being worthy as a long-term friend.