I can't talk to my mum and I don't know why
14f, past two years have been very rough is all I will say with arguments and such after my father passing away with both of us going through it. I need someone to talk to, I do, but I won't put it on my friends, I've already told them enough but they have their own lives and go through their own struggles too. To put it lightly my mother's depression and grieving has caused me to be socially isolated outside of school over these two years, and although it's not her fault it's been pretty shitty on my mental health. Thankfully I'm getting out of it now, finally becoming better after all these lows and extreme highs with my friends. I guess we always argue and we don't have that typical relationship where I really talk to her about things. A month or two ago I remember I was apologising over an argument and I could barely say 'I love you', and when I did it sounded hesitant. I just don't really know if I love her anymore, but I still kind of care? I'm not sure. But she came in my room today after an argument and asked what I wanted to talk about, I didn't break down but I had told her earlier there's been a lot on my mind alongside my GCSE's and other things. It's all so easy to think about in my head but when she asked me I could literally just not tell her. I couldn't physically do it so I just brushed it off. Any advice on why this is happening? I'd like to think I'm self aware but I just don't know why I'm doing this. I always thought sh and such was pitiful and sad, but today I did it for the first time over my hip. Just a one time thing because I guess I needed an outlet or something but I'm putting this down in case it helps to understand whatever this mess is.