Hello, this is my first time posting on Reddit. I’m kind of lost in my situation and I’d really like some advice or to find community with those who share the same problem as me :)
To start, I’m 18 and transgender female-to-male (if that’s important) and I’m a virgin if you couldn’t tell by the title lol. I have had 1 past serious partner (cisgender male), but it was an “online relationship” so nothing about our relationship was physical, but we did send pictures back and forth. For background, I had to force myself into asking for and even looking at the pictures at first since I was so incredibly nervous. We broke up after 5 years so I’m very out of the loop when it comes to how to act in a new relationship, let alone one that’s in person.
Currently, I’m dating a new guy (cisgender) and I feel very safe and secure with him. We send pictures back and forth, and makeout on occasion, and I enjoy it a lot, but that’s as far as I can go sexually without freaking out. Lately, he’s been wanting to get physical with me (mostly oral and with activities that focus on my pleasure), and I do want to do those things with him, but I get so scared when the opportunity is presented to me. I’ve had discussions with him about my anxieties with intimacy and he’s always very reassuring about being patient with me, which I greatly appreciate.
I don’t want to expose myself too much, but I think it’s important to add that I’m not scared of pregnancy or sex hurting. I’m on birth control (Norethindrone) for transitioning purposes and I feel I’m very educated on safe sex practices. I also own a “toy” so I know how it feels to have something inside of me lol.
I’m not insecure about my body either as my boyfriend makes me feel very comfortable in my skin and identity.
I should add that whenever we do activities like making out or cuddling, I’m very much in my head about it the whole time. I feel like I can never get into the flow of the moment and just let things happen.
Am I just not ready? Is sex something I just have to force myself through and get used to? How do I soothe my nerves?
Thank you for reading, if you have any input or advice I’d really appreciate it if you shared it with me :)