Im probably the worst person i know
Im not sure how i should write this since ive never posted on reddit. Im also not sure where posts like this go.
im probably the worst person i know. Im selfish and manipulative, constantly rude and mean, and i constantly lie about small things. I dont have any goals or aspirations and im always negative. I live what i would consider a good life, i hold 2 jobs and am sociable yet im constantly sad and nothing i ever do feels real.
I feel like a 3rd party spectator in the majority of my life. I dont feel the same way other people describe themselves feeling, ive never felt strongly about anything, but recently ive felt this sense of tormenting boredom where i cannot find the will to start anything new or even start something used to find myself doing. I just feel like shit and do nothing its made me realize how lonely i am.
Im great at talking to people, but im never sincere about it
I just say things people want to hear. Ive never worried about it or put much thought into my life or character. When i was younger I never responded to any messages, i never reached out, and i never made any long term commitments.
I recently read something about how true friends could be counted on one hand, and i realized ive never been a true friend to anybody. Everybody ive ever talked to was just a fleeting moment. I acted how people wanted and became acquaintances but i never tried or knew how to do anything beyond that, never knew or never cared to try i guess.
Everybody ive ever known has moved beyond me and i understand its my fault. Ive never good with nuance or niceties and now that ive lost all my real opportunities to make longtime friends im not sure what to make of myself
Now that im in the future i dont even know what to do for the few people i know now, im sure none of them would consider me a friend, im positive i wouldnt considering i dont speak to them outside of work. Im great at talking but i never made any real friends and i still dont know what to do
I feel like my personality keeps me from having long term friendships ive never been good with understanding peoples emotions, i personally never feel all that strongly about anything. I find it hard to relate to other people. If you were to know me well enough i would never not be rude, its just who i am i dont mean anything bad but i say a lot of rude things i never end up thinking. I lie a lot and i dont mean to, but i never catch myself when its done. I dont try to help others and i cant relate to other people, i always focus on myself and i imagine nobody would want to talk to someone like that.
I never do anything maliciously atleast i try not to, but im not driven to do any good
Ive rambled a bit and lost what i was originally writing. I want to fix my lying, i want to stop being rude as i am, i want to be a good friend, i want to stop feeling so terrible all the time, and i want to stop being so fake.
I dont know specifically what im asking for advice for. From a third party perspective i imagine it just sounds like pleading woe is me, ive been rude and never tried my entire life and now the consequences are here. But please if anybody could just steer me generally im trying to be better. I really have nowhere else to ask now