u/Automatic_Mix423

i dont understand where mine comes from, i understand early childhood enviroment is key to this, but i dont remember anything extra traumatic from my childhood? for example my parents arent divorced.

my earliest memory is me standing sideways in a sliding door trying to close it on myself thinking if it would kill me? i was very little so like 4 or 5 yrs old. after that i remember my moms family making fun of me for my weight a lot until i was like???? 13? and she never defended me either so i felt really really alone all my childhood, also my dad having to leave weeks for work and i dont remember this but ive been told i would cry a lot. i felt very scared of my mom so i never told her anything that was happening to me. i remember a bunch of other situations too but i think those are more related to my need of constant validation. i was also severely bullied from 10 to 14 yrs old. after my first year of bullying my best friend changed schools so i was alone for a year then i made another friend. i remember when i was like 8 having my first crush on a boy and feeling very jealous of my best friend cuz she also liked him. she became a little too mean to me but i wouldnt call it bullying.

i remember being taken to a psychologist at age 10 and she told i had "catastrophic thinking", i remember being a very quiet girl and trying my best to be a good daughter but never feeling enough. it feels as if ive been sad all my life?

oh and my mom told me once that when i was born until i was probably like 3 my grandma from dads side used to compare me a lot to one of my cousins, putting me down to make him seem better type of stuff. which led to him being a pain in the ass to me all the way thru school.

as i said, i see why i want constant validation and want everyone to like me. but the fear of abandonment??? yea the bullying was severe but not early enough in my childhood??? also after all these years im starting to be over it. i dont think about them anymore. i feel like the things i went thru arent enough for me to be this way. yes ive had people leave before and yes it felt like i was dying but i mean why do i have this reaction. where could this fear come from???

i heavily struggle with this, i hate it

when he goes to play with his friends or go do something ono his own i miss him so much it makes me sick. i dont say anything bc i dont wanna be a controling girlfriend who takes him away from the things he likes or someone who drains him.

i know when hes away he still loves me, hes just busy and deserves his own time alone. but i just...........i feel so empty and lonely and lost, like something is being ripped away from me.

i keep fantasizing about him noticing this and he reassures me and tells me he loves me and babies me but i know that wont happen bc i cant tell him i feel like this. i have to stop being like this.

i hurt everybody no matter how careful i try to be with my words, its never enough

i try to have all these healthy habits but my brain doesnt care, its just not enough

i dont deserve love, i dont deservee forgiveness, i dont deserve to be happy

i know what i have to do, i cant do this anymore. and weirdly enough, my emptiness feel almost peaceful

does anyone else feel an intense fear of accidentally hurting their partner?? is it a bpd thing??

it just happened (little missunderstanding) and my stomach feels so weak like i wanna throw up and just so much anger and dissapointed in me, also im feeling devastated. he went to sleep for the day and i ofc let him bc well ik its not right to force someone when they dont want to talk about something.

and i do hope he feels better tmrw of course, but for now im just feeling all these horrible things and im such a nervous wreck rn, my heart is beating really fast. at least until tomorrow. if i have the balls to bring it up.bc maybe ill bring out bad feelings again and i dont wanna do that to him.

but also i feel like i keep treating him as if hes this weak fragile man but hes not, he is very strong and ik he would never hold a grudge agaisnt me. missunderstandments are a part of relationships and tbh hes more emotionally mature than me so im trying to ctach up to him. idk what to do now. should i bring it up tomorrow?? or just let it go???? how can i calm these feelings down.

ik all these things, how little it was and how it can be fixed, why he reacts that way and what i should do as a good girlfriend. but all my feelings are still there