can someone help?
i seriously dont understand why is my life so fucked up and i cant feel hapy for more than 2 minutes without my mind reminding me how horrible it is.
please if you think what im saying isn't something to feel bad/sad about please tell me.
firstly im ugly. simple as that. i have thick eybrows and a uni brow. i have dived yellow teeth. im fat. i have a squeaky voice. i have horrible facial hair that looks like im in the 7th grade.
secondly im obese. like i said in the first point. my bmi exceeds the overweight limit. i constantly feel horible about how i look. ive been trying to loose weight since 2020 and i fail each timem i alwats throw my issues toeards food and binge every time im sad or i think about my struggles.
thirdly im hated. i would say i have no friends which is true but not only i dont have friends but im hated. this is not dislike. this is pure hatred the people in my school would do any thing to try to harm me whether thats physically or mentally or academically or socially.
a couple years back, a "friend" of mine got blue ink all over himself and as the new kid trying to make friends and be like i told him you looked like the avatar (the movie just came out then). he didnt like that. he got all of his friends (who didnt like me btw) and they cornered me and they sorta sexually abused my they put their fingers in places where they dont belong. to make them stop i ahd to fake choked so they would get scared and leave me alone. and i reported it to the principal and she did suspend them but they didnt like taht and would hold horrible resentment for me. before the incident i wasnt hated but i wasnt loved either i was just there. this was about 4 years ago maybe and they still hold a grudge against me.
to add to the point we got alot of new comers to the school this year and when i tried to make friends they beat me to it and told them about the horrible thing ive done where i told the principal about me getting sexually abused and now they hate me too
fourthly im a academic disappointment. according to my parents and teachers im super smart and my mind understands quickly and i memorise easily but i dont study and that's whats holding me back. i don't think that's true at all i dont get things easily i dont even memorise anything to put that theory to test. i get horrible grades and if i dont get good grades this year im going to get my ass beat. but i dont want to study its not because im neglecting it purposefully but its mentally draing for me i like being jsut there present. i find the syllabus to be difficult .
fifth(ly?) im not religious at all and i used to feel so much guilt everyday but now i dont care which is nothing to be proud of but for some reason i just stopped carring and im not sure thats something to be proud of i mean im not but it is what it is.
it brings judgement from family and classmates even though im sure they dont know the first thing baout being religious. smae people that sexually abused me
sixth my mom was fone a couple of years ago but maybe in 2022/3 she handed me a piece of paper with a medication written down on it and told me to go get it. this was weird because my dad is a pharmacist so why would she get the medication from outside when she could get it for free. the curiosity got the better of me and i searched it up it was an anti depressant and i felt sick. i threw up instantly because why would my mom take something like that. i told her the truth about heo i searched it up and she told me taht she lost all trust in me and she felt betrayed. but she forgave me but she wasnt getting any better she always feel sad and bored with life shes always irritable. im not proud to admit this but i accidentally look at her chat gpt history and she was describing horrible things how she was feeling how much this medication is affecting her how to up the dosage. diffrent types of anti depression medication she was takinga and so one and so forth. this is only a brief summary of this section becuase im getting bored.
seventh apparently i have to self respect for my self
i laugh to much
i try to be funny to much
i drag out uncomft conversations for giggles and the way people look at me while i do that is not great.
i humilate my self for the sakes of others
i become to nice for people who dont give a fuck about me
help me pls?