40s. Broke. Alone.
Curious if anyone can relate.
Im a 48yo partially employed male currently living with their Mum. I was living in New York pursuing a life as an artist/musician and doing quite well until the pandemic hit and I had to return to my home country and it really pulled the rug from under me. I found no one at home could relate to my situation. I did my best to keep afloat and find work and undertook a Masters in Europe thinking study would be a good way to keep going. I moved back to New York after that but it was tough getting started again and then had to decide what to do cause my aging Dads dementia was pretty bad. I have two siblings but they’re kinda useless. So I decided to move home and care for my Dad in his last days. So for the passed 2.5years I’ve been living with my parents and trying to keep some kind of career going. I often contemplate a pivot to a new industry or career but I honestly can not think of what to do. My Dad passed away 12 months ago so it’s just Mum and I. My brother occasionally visits but never checks in and we don’t really speak. Mum has MS and is in a wheel chair permanently so she requires constant assistance. I have (had?) a girlfriend and she recently told me she’d be more attracted to me if I had a better career. I’m honestly trying everything and have been very depressed but really struggle to be able to turn to anyone cause I’m quite embarrassed by my situation.
Also it might sound like I have money being able to afford moving to NY and doing a Masters in Europe. I’m definitely not from money but honestly just hustle hard and try to make things work.
I lay in bed last night for most of the night contemplating how I might commit suicide. Like what would be the best way to do it. Not in any over emotional way just honestly contemplating how I’d do it. Cause I honestly can not see a way out of this. I’m going to be 60yo and broke and alone. I’d rather just end it now.
I told my Mum I was contemplating suicide and was quite emotional when I told her and I used some swear words and she got very angry at me for swearing. I left the room and she just went to bed. She didn’t try to talk to me about it …