Why Can’t I Do Anything?
Looking to see if anyone’s been in a similar spot or has any advice/thoughts.
(Trigger warning: mentions of ED/binging)
I received an anxiety and depression diagnosis earlier this year, the depression being the worst out of the two. I’ve been on sertraline for 9 weeks now, 3 weeks on 50mg and 6 on 100mg.
Overall I do feel better, if that’s the right word. I don’t dread the day ahead when I wake up in the morning. I’m not crying 2-3x a day for no reason anymore. My anxiety doesn’t spiral as much as it used to do and I can rationalise things now instead of having an emotional outburst. My overall outlook on life in general has brightened and I have a mixture of good and bad days vs all bad days.
The one thing that hasn’t changed however, and if anything maybe has gotten worse, is my ability to do anything. I literally can’t do anything at all, even the things I want to do. When I was at my lowest prior to receiving my depression diagnosis I wasn’t concerned with the fact that I couldn’t or didn’t do things, that’s expected with depression. But this is the only thing that hasn’t changed or improved and I don’t know why…. I WANT to do things. At work I seem to manage okay because I have a routine and I suppose ‘persona,’ a role to play. Someone recently suggested that this might be because I’m masking while at work and I hadn’t ever considered that.
I’ll think about things I want to do after work for example, even small things like watch a certain show and I’ll look forward to it… and then will finish work, go home and just rot, even if I still want to do the ‘thing.’ I get putting off work or things I don’t want to do like academic based work or cleaning, but why can’t I do the things I want to do? Why does everything seem like a monumental task even when I want to do it, or am passionate or enthusiastic about it?
It’s not that I feel ‘tired’ either. I sleep very well, 7-9 hours a night. I just can’t move or do whatever it is I want to, or need/have to. Even stuff that has to be done by a deadline like the work I have for a course that I’m on currently. I’ll watch the clock and think ‘I’ll start at X time’ and watch it pass, repeat for the next 4, 5, 6 hours until I reach the point where it’s too late to do anything and just accept the consequences of not having done it. I’ve always had an issue with this but prior to the starting the meds I usually was able to sort of pressure myself into doing the work out of panic. Now I just accept failure mostly because I constantly miss deadlines and it’s what people expect, so I already know they’ll be disappointed.
Aside from this side of things, I’ve noticed myself engaging in activities and habits that give me a quick hit of dopamine a lot more frequently that I ever used to, especially when I’m supposed to be doing a task or prepping for it. I had a slight binge eating issue last year, maybe once a month at the worst. Last month I binged for a week straight for the first time ever for example. I’m also spending money I shouldn’t be too often for the same sort of ‘hit.’
I know that’s a lot to take in, thank you to anyone who’s read this far, and my apologies equally haha. But I wanted to know if anyone’s been through anything similar or has any immediately obvious thoughts.