AITAH for considering cut off my (F23) mother (F43)?
I am a 23 year old college student, currently a bit behind in my degree. I moved back home with my mother (F43) who "babysits" a child for a living and her boyfriend (M31) who works construction. I have been living with them because last year I broke off a toxic relationship I had been in since high school, where unfortunately he left me with several bills I couldn't afford. I lived with a peer for a while after that, but unfortunately moved out as our living arrangements weren't working out. I had to take my cat and leave to my mother's house, which was my last resort.
For the first few months I tried keeping to myself in the house. I even started going out with a new guy who I have been with for seven months. It wasn't until he started coming over where my mother got really bad. Or at least...made it bad for me. You see, my mom is an alcoholic. She drinks over half a bottle of 100% proof rum every single night, and cries because she lost custody over my little sister (F16) as my little sister was sick of being in the environment of the house and finally told CPS about her drinking patterns.
My dad (M41) took my sister to his home in Texas with his wife, who my mother just found out about and has since spiraled about that also. Something about how she could have taken him to court for more child support or something, and blames me for not telling her they were married. I didn't tell her because of her mental health, but since she found out they were married, she has called just me a liar, though my brother and my sister also knew about it. She's screams in my face about how you should never lie to the woman who gives you life, and how much of a bitch I am for doing that to her.
Point being is my mom will start drinking on the weekdays around 4 PM, with her boyfriend just getting home from work, and they'll sometimes take up to 5 shots together in an hour until 8 PM, where they will get into screaming matches. She doesn't have a job she reports to the IRS for, she refuses to leave the house because she is scared out of the outside world and she doesn't drive because of a drunk accident she caused years ago. On the weekend, my mom will start a little before noon, get so drunk that she passes out on the couch, and wake up to do it again after the nap. She sometimes take shots around the child she babysits, so much so that I've noticed the girl thinks shot glasses are things she can drink out of. With this being said, my mom is more drunk than sober, and sometimes these screaming matches escalate into her pushing and shoving her boyfriend, and she has even pushed me once in front of my boyfriend and screamed in his face when I fell on my side. She went to jail once for domestic violence. She has been doing this for about 8 years now, the continuous drinking. I had begged her time and time again to stop, but she just says that me smoking weed is going to kill me the way drinking kills her so she said I should mind my business.
I smoke weed for my depression every once in a while, but have been noticing that my highs are turning unenjoyable and alone once she screams at me. Recently her most hyper fixated screaming at me has been about how I transferred from the school she wanted me to graduate to another, saying I ruined my life because I won't make it in the field I'm studying and my ex-fiance ruined my life and that I did it to myself. She demands I pay more bills, but I tell her my student loans are racking up from a degree she begged me to get at the other school. I also explain that I have no car so I have been paying more in Uber, with my hours becoming sporadic at my job. She also egged on me because I'm not cleaning the house enough, and I tried to explain that I was sad. Her response? "You have nothing to ve this sad about. You're not allowed to have your boyfriend over this weekend and you only fucked yourself over yourself. She also said that I should ask him to cover more bills if that's the case."
I refuse to ask that gem of a man for his money. Not when he pays for dates, will force me to eat when I don't want to and remind me to take time for myself amoung the chaos. I have been writing my own book and his excitement for it reminds me I am worth something.
I don't know what broke in me yesterday, but I had the most violent and awful panic attack I've had in a long time. I said she treats me like $hit, and that she truly is an insufferable woman. I took my tip money and gave it to her only for her to scream at me that I'm being dramatic and that I wouldn't understand what she is going through because she lost my sister. I tried explaining that I understand what she is going through, but she shut me up, bringing up my one and only past abortion I had because of my ex-fiance. She said I am not a mother, and I don't have the emotional capacity to understand. I hate that this thought crossed my mind, but after years of domestic assault from my ex, it reminds me so much of that hopeless, lost feeling I battled with him just in that moment. I cried so hard that I started hyperventilating, I was gasping to breathe, and I'm pretty sure I blacked out and disassociated. I tried smoking after, but it was the type of high where all my pain seeped deeper into me, and I couldn't claw out of it.
Before anybody tells me to move in with my dad across the country, I have already tried. He said he has no room for me here, and unfortunately because I am living with my mother, I feel like half my family has shut me out. Like I side with her or something. My brother and my sister didn't wish me happy birthday. My dad didn't get me anything, though his wife's birthday is the same day as mine. Even my grandparents on that side didn't get me anything or say anything to me. When Christmas happened and that while side of the family was together, I wasn't invited. It is something I blame myself for, and I'm not entirely sure what I did.
I feel well and completely alone. I think my dad's silence has made it feel worse.
Explaining all this to my boyfriend has been distressing. His family is so different from mine. They are loving and close-knit, and most of all, sober. He comes here and see what this is doing to me and I hate the feeling that I'll lose the one person I can go to for some sanity. When he called yesterday I was deadly quiet, so much so that he noticed and I didn't want to talk about it out of fear he'd shut me out, too. I know when I tell him my mom doesn't want him here this weekend his feelings are going to be shot and I also know that with children being a prospect for us, he wants them no where near her. At first I thought he was being extreme, but I realize he is correct.
I don't want my kids to feel the way I do. I also feel I am conditioned to pity this woman, who was so incredible when I was younger but become this contorted, angry woman that I fear. I don't ever want to go home from work and I keep wanting to just sleep if I am home.
I'm sorry if you stuck around long enough to hear this mopey, sad post. My friend said this would probably be therapeutic if I put it on Reddit, and I could talk to and interact with people who have resources and similar experiences. Please feel free to offer whatever advice you can think of.
So, aita for considering cutting my mother off?