Struggling to understand my sexuality, grieving the end of a relationship
This is going to be a very long and emotional post, so if anyone actually reads all of this, thank you. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time.
Right now I’m grieving the end of an 8 month relationship that ended yesterday, while also trying to figure out who I am and what my future looks like.
I’m a 30 year old man and I’ve always considered myself heterosexual. I’ve always been attracted to women, gotten aroused by women, developed feelings for women, and one of the things I’ve wanted most in life is a lifelong partnership, love, marriage, and maybe a family with a woman.
Up until last year, though, I had never been in a romantic relationship. I’m actually a pretty outgoing person socially and I’ve been lucky enough to build amazing friendships and social circles over the years, but I’ve always struggled with confidence issues and fear of rejection. Because of that, I never really put myself out there romantically until the last couple of years.
I entered my first relationship in October of last year and for the most part it was incredible. We clicked immediately as companions and built a really deep, beautiful bond. She was also absolutely gorgeous. The relationship was healthy, loving, and genuinely happy overall.
But there was one major issue I never could have anticipated that ultimately became a huge part of why the relationship ended.
I was a virgin before this relationship, so sex made me nervous, but I never thought it was something I wouldn’t want or enjoy. The first time we tried being intimate, I liked the closeness and emotional connection, but I couldn’t fully perform. I assumed it was nerves and inexperience.
We tried more times after that, and while cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and emotional intimacy made me feel warm, connected, and even aroused, once things progressed sexually I struggled to stay present and couldn’t really perform consistently.
We had open conversations about it, and I mentioned that I had been on SSRIs for about 5 years after going through a difficult period in 2020. Since SSRIs can affect libido, we both assumed that might be the issue. I had already been considering getting off them eventually anyway, so I started weaning off under a doctor’s supervision.
During that process we stopped trying to have sex for a few months, hoping things would improve once the medication was fully out of my system. I also saw a urologist and had my testosterone checked, which came back normal.
Eventually we tried again, and I even took Cialis. Physically it helped somewhat, but mentally I still struggled. I’d constantly monitor myself, panic about losing my erection, and get stuck in my own head instead of staying present.
She was unbelievably patient and supportive through all of this, and I’ll always cherish the kindness she showed me.
For the longest time, I thought this was purely performance anxiety. And honestly, I still think anxiety played a huge role. But while trying to understand myself better, I stumbled across this subreddit and started reading posts that hit me like a truck because of how deeply relatable they felt.
I always assumed that because I was attracted to women, that automatically meant I was heterosexual. But when I really reflected on my life, I realized that while I absolutely notice women as beautiful and desirable romantically, I don’t know if I’ve ever naturally looked at someone and thought, “I want to have sex with them.”
What I usually feel is:
“I want to kiss them.”
“I want to hold them.”
“I want to spend time with them.”
“I want emotional closeness and a relationship with them.”
But not necessarily sexual desire itself.
I also realized I’ve never really gravitated toward porn very much, and my masturbation habits have almost always centered more around fantasy scenarios, emotional dynamics, or specific fetishes rather than sexual acts themselves.
Learning about the distinction between heteroromantic and heterosexual honestly felt like getting hit with a freight train.
I really want to be careful with how I say this because I truly believe every sexuality deserves acceptance and respect, and I hope nothing here comes across as offensive.
What scares me isn’t asexuality itself. What scares me is the uncertainty.
I’ve always imagined myself finding a life partner, potentially having a family, building a future with someone, and now I’m suddenly terrified that maybe the version of relationships I imagined might not be realistic for me in the way I always thought they would be.
Dating already feels hard enough, and now I’m scared that being somewhere in the area of heteroromantic/asexual while still deeply wanting companionship and long term partnership puts me into such a small dating pool that I’ll struggle to ever find my person.
And honestly, that thought has devastated me.
The breakup itself has been incredibly painful. The only unhappy moments in our relationship were the moments surrounding sex and intimacy not working. There were a few sad conversations near the end, never angry or cruel, just two people hurting because something important wasn’t clicking despite how much love was there.
Yesterday she ended the relationship.
Part of me had been bracing for it for a long time, but now that it’s real and final, it feels surreal. Knowing the next time I see her will just be her picking up her things from my apartment is crushing.
We truly brought so much happiness into each other’s lives, and we both still care deeply about each other. But we also know staying emotionally intertwined after the breakup probably isn’t healthy for either of us.
She said some incredibly beautiful and kind things to me yesterday that I’ll carry forever. But she also said things that unintentionally broke my heart, like looking out my apartment window into the courtyard and saying she was sad and scared because someday that image would probably become blurry in her memory.
I’m incredibly lucky to have a strong support system. I have loving parents who know what I’m going through, amazing friends I can be honest with, and I started therapy about 3 months ago.
Part of me wonders if I should go back on medication because emotionally I feel lower than I ever have before and that scares me.
At the same time, this relationship also taught me a lot of positive things about myself. For the first time in my life, I truly believe I can be a loving, caring, emotionally mature partner. In many ways I’m actually more confident than I used to be. I’m no longer terrified of dating or putting myself out there.
I know objectively that I have a lot going for me. I have great friends, hobbies, a career, an active lifestyle, consider myself pretty conventionally attractive, and I know I shouldn’t define myself entirely through this struggle.
But mentally, this past year has shown me that I still have a lot of work to do regarding anxiety, mental health and emotional strength.
When I eventually heal, I know I’ll probably want to date again. But right now I’m terrified of repeating this situation.
Part of me still thinks this could largely be performance anxiety, fear, and pressure, as I’ve never been a sexual situation where I’ve felt at ease and not in my head. But another part of me feels like there’s something deeper about my sexuality that I still don’t fully understand.
And I don’t know how to figure it all out.
I’m grieving the loss of a beautiful relationship with an extraordinary person. But in some ways I also feel like I’m grieving the future I always imagined for myself.
If you made it this far, thank you. Truly.
I just hope that whoever I am, and whatever label ultimately fits me or doesn’t fit me, I’ll still be able to find happiness, love, and the kind of future I’ve always wanted. Any words of support would really help.