u/Available-Echidna660

For context, I’m a father of a teenager and a toddler, and all three of us are on the autism spectrum. I’m also an Iraq war vet and have multiple disabilities and PTSD - which my soon to be ex knew before getting married. She’s leaving me because she’s “lost herself” and no longer wants to live a life with someone limited by both physical and mental disabilities.

With that said, this is so damn painful - both for me, and for my kids. They didn’t ask to have their lives torn apart, and my heart aches seeing them try to navigate this new reality. For me, the pain is knowing that the person who was my rock decided that I’m no longer worth loving, in large part because she doesn’t like the lifestyle we live.

The pain has morphed into anger. I understand that’s part of the process, I’m not trying to repress it, but I need a healthy way to cope with it. I go to the gym, but currently that’s not enough. I don’t want to turn to alcohol or worse.

So how did you cope with the pain of divorce?

My soon to be ex wife and I have been married for ten years. We’ve been having marital issues for the last few years, and have spent the last year in marriage counseling.

Last night, after the kids were in bed, she told me she wanted a divorce. She said she’s been thinking about this for a while, have talked with family and shared friends about it, and even had a session with our couples therapist about it while I was out of town for work. Apparently her feelings toward me have changed and she no longer loves me. There’s no trying to work this out, staying for the kids, etc. she’s just done and wants to move on.

This isn’t my first divorce, unfortunately. This is however the first where there is no obvious infidelity or glaring wrong doing - she just doesn’t want to be married to me anymore (if she’s to be believed, kinda hard to trust right now).

I’m having a hard time rationalizing what feels like betrayal. I’ve done everything I was asked and then some, and she even admitted that I improved in areas she was unhappy with my behavior, but it’s still not good enough. She’s sat there in marriage counseling and said we were making progress, when in reality she was not feeling any more of a connection than the day we started.

I want to be angry, and I want to hate her. When my first marriage ended, it was because my first ex was sleeping with someone else while I was in Iraq, so it was easy to be angry and to hate. That’s not the case here, and I’m currently at a loss where to put the feelings I feel like I should be feeling. I’m talking with my therapist about this later this week, but I just wanted to share with a group who might understand, and see if anyone has some “non therapy” advice.

Thanks.