u/Available-Unit7612

I want to smash my head against a wall. Day 20. That is all.

I broke up with my boyfriend. His reactions the first year to my pmdd were supportive until I had an abortion last year. Mind you he was homeless when I met him and had to push him to get his life together. Yes Im codependent. His reactivity increased over time to my mood swings although Im trying everything under the sun to help myself (meds, therapy, neuromodulation, supplements, you name It) I’ve spent thousands of dollars trying to fix myself.

I feel so broken. I don’t know how anyone will ever love me with this disorder. 36f. I need hope. And do have severe pmdd.

36 female. Had PMDD pretty bad since mid twenties that has turned severe since hitting 30. All the physical and mental symptoms are torture. And my struggle days used to be 7 but now are more like 14 days of torture suizidal thoughts , ocd loops, hating everyone, wishing I wasn’t here, feeling like Im going insane, totally warped perception, extreme anxiety and depression. Insane physical symptoms. Dizziness migraines body pain nausea you name It.

Im genuinely scared of myself and for myself. I’ve always had hope to keep trying different methods to help me (multiple birth controls, SSRI, SNRI, supplements, you name It). But I seem to have lost much of my hope over the last year. And my life genuinely feels over and overtaken by PMDD. Which is not like me to ever give up. I had an abortion in the end of 2025 which made my severe symptoms even more severe. I want to have kids but It all feels hopeless when I totally lose my sanity for over half of my months. I guess Im just looking for hope. I feel like a total failure.

I met my boyfriend when he was struggling with housing, work, depression. I have stuck around (usually do this staying in relationships that don’t serve me too long) because I cared for him, he was there for me emotionally, etc.

Over time I became resentful at his lack of drive,
Lack of taking care of himself, etc etc and started pushing him to be better (I know also not good, and especially during pmdd days not always in the kindest way). Regardless it’s taken a while but he has worked on a lot. Now we live together, he’s in school but It seems the tides have changed.

I also notice I would blame myself and my pmdd for wanting basic needs met a lot before. But now. It seems the resentment built up due to me waiting has really diminished my feelings for him. My mental health has suffered a ton as a result of being grateful and pushing things aside when I feel good but then hyper focusing on It when I dont.

He’s also become reactive to me stating things like “you suck the energy out of the room” or blaming my pmdd when issues come up, or threatening to leave. I know Im not easy to deal with. I just feel dead inside and I know Im in a pmdd episode but I just feel dead and not myself anymore. Thanks for listening