Newly on the fence …
I have wanted to be a mom since a kid. I’ve been the mom friend, I’ve cared for my friend’s kids, baby cousins etc..
Now that I’ve turned 30 and will be getting married soon, I find myself in love with this life and not wanting to give it up. My fiancé and I have been together 7 years and have looked forward to starting a family someday, even saved up cute little clothes, but now I’m on the fence. We started TTC 4 years ago and had no luck, then I got into grad school so it worked out anyway.
My fiancé (31) was unexpectedly diagnosed with brain cancer last summer. Four months after our engagement. Thankfully his mutations respond well to treatment so he’s doing amazing , we honestly forget that it exists at times. But I feel scared about bringing a kid into this as well. My career is going well, I’ve grown so much over the past 4 years and really feel confident in my role and the woman I’ve grown into. We’ve grown as a couple, travel a bit more and things are just so peaceful in this chapter of life so I’m very afraid of messing that up. It’s also very clear that mothers are commonly the default parent and I don’t want that stress!! I have anxiety and become overwhelmed easily. I’ve been doing great at keeping those two things under control so I don’t want to triple the feelings by entering the crazy world of motherhood.
We had a conversation about it today and he said he understands and doesn’t blame me for how I feel but he does feel sad about it. I shared that the decision isn’t permanent, it’s just how I currently feel. There still is part of me that wants it, the feeling just isn’t as strong anymore…
Does anyone else understand?