r/Fencesitter

Looking for advice/reflections/alternative perspectives.

My boyfriend (34M) and I (32F) have been together nearly 4 years. At the start of our relationship, I told him I was pretty uncertain on children, and that it was the reason my previous relationship had ended, as the previous partner absolutely knew they wanted to be a parent. Since my early 20s I've been fairly vocal about not wanting children, largely because I grew up in a household with traditional gender roles (and a bitter, resentful mother who definitely overshared with me). However, I realise I've not really examined in depth this topic beyond seeing family/children as a burden which falls disproportionately on the woman.

My boyfriend said when we met that he was a fence sitter too, but this year has come to the view that he would like to have a family. After a few months of struggling to discuss this topic (and us both starting individual therapy) we have found a way forward. We've reframed it from 'lets both decide individually what we want and then work out whether we can be together' to, 'if we were to do this, how?' (and the million sub questions that fall under that).

In the past year, I've really come into my own with work, and found a fulfilling career that I love, and has significant stability and flexibility. I've compressed my hours to have a day off for creative hobbies/wellbeing. My partner does not love his work, and is aware that to be a more present / equal parent, he'd need to change it, or we'd end up in a dynamic that I absolutely do not want.

After reframing the discussion, it's been a rollercoaster ride in my head. One day I'm envisioning a future where we move to a more affordable city (which we both love and have discussed) to be able to buy a home with space for a child/children. I've felt excited by this and even caught myself having imaginary conversations with the child (??!!) It's like I've allowed myself to mentally open this door and now my imagination is running wild.

The next day, I'm back in the childfree headspace, loving how we had a long lie in on Sunday and had sex then pottered around the city. How I spent a whole afternoon reading a book and then knitting. I've even thought about what my life could be like should my partner and I break up over this, and I pursue a childfree life alone. I'm lucky enough that I could afford to live alone and give myself a great life. When I think about us potentially breaking up, I don't even think of a future potential partner, I think of being truly solo and focusing on family, friends, community, basically being the fun rich aunty.

For anyone that has gone through this, how did you navigate these swings? What helped you make a decision either way? For women that decided to have children, what qualities or conversations with your partner helped you feel secure that they would be an equal parent?

Me\[32\] him \[30\]Sorry if this sounds immature because it probably is and I’m coming out of fear. I just found out I’m pregnant because I missed my period despite being on contraceptive. I haven’t told my boyfriend yet. I’m absolutely terrified and in shock. We’ve talked about having a kid but in 2-4 years thing. We’ve only been in a relationship for a year and live together and we love each other and are spending we each day so happily together.

I feel like we’re in such a happy and loving time with each other, I really don’t want this pregnancy to ruin everything. And the next time we enjoy this type of freedom and bliss would be in 15 years when we’re old and burnt out. And I look at my dad’s pictures and it’s so depressing when I see his happy picture when he was handsome while I was a baby and deep frowns building up in his face throughout the years. It’s so depressing thinking of bearing a child, though I’ve been wanting one but only after I feel like “weve done it all and now we’re a bit bored”.

I’m just sad thinking of seeing my boyfriend buried in frowns and white hair and me too. And reminiscing and regretting having a kid so soon and not have enjoyed our golden years and honeymoon a bit more. And in the other hand, I’m scared of aborting too , because I do feel like I’m killing a life inside me. I’m so torn.

**Tl;dr I’m extremely scared of having a kid and regretting in the future about this kid.**

Up until two years ago, I'd always been convinced that having children, or more so becoming a mother, was not meant to be a chapter in my book of life. Don't get me wrong, I love children, and for as long as I can remember I've had this natural protective instinct kick in whenever there was a baby or a child around me, but I just never really saw myself being a mom.

My mother used to joke that even though I didn't want kids, I'd be a great mom. But every time I pictured myself in that role it felt so alien to me.

Even though my parents turned out to be great people (after quite a bit of therapy and conversations), and I'm very grateful for them now, it wasn't always like that. Both of them came from unhealthy families, and their childhood influenced how they approached their way of parenting. I grew up with an emotionally unstable mother, and an emotionally absent father. My fears of making the same mistake, as well as the general huge responsibility I'd have with raising another human being in a chaotic world solidified my decision to not have children.

But I suppose I grew up: I met a great man who is amazing, reliable and we're planning a stable future together. Nearing our 30's, our friends are growing up too, and some of them are becoming parents of these incredible tiny humans that look way too much like them and call us auntie and uncle. Somewhere along the way I started becoming more open to the idea of becoming a parent myself.

Or perhaps I just started asking myself the hard questions again with a partner in mind, a possible vision (and maybe some vague societal expectation?) of a bigger family than just two.

After many in depth conversations, my partner and I settled on the uncertainty of it all. Whether our life welcomes a child in it or not, he was okay with it. I remained on the fence, the stability of keeping my life as it is seems so much more safe, but the possibility of a child doesn't make me run for the hills either.

Yet there are so many fears in my head still. It's so easy for him to 'want' a child, when fatherhood (and perhaps more so pregnancy) is so much less violent to the body and bears so much less weight from society.

I'm already tired of messing with my hormones to find the right type of birth control that doesn't make me borderline insane. Even something as 'simple' as birth control is my cross to bear unless we only use condoms — until it breaks or slips off I still have to take plan B which feels like the equivalent of sending a nuke straight into my body.

How is pregnancy going to be any different? Let alone giving birth, postpartum, the first sleepless year and the rest of the difficult toddler years?

Is my partner going to be able to get back to work with a healthy, working body, and get his life back almost immediately while I stay at home recovering from the most intense, painful moment of my life? I adore my job, and I plan to take over the company at some point, is there even any room for that whilst being a Good mom?

I know he'll be a great father, as he is a great partner. But I see so many great fathers turn into (for lack of a better word) into lazy fathers because society automatically shifts most expectation onto the mother. I do not want to be the overworked, overlooked mother that gave up her identity for a role she'd envisioned to be different.

I'd hate to be naive and morph into this bad parent, a resentful partner, or fall into a rabbit hole of a thankless life.

How do you even make up your mind about something so huge and life changing, knowing that it's not only your body incredibly impacted by the 'yes', but also the life of an innocent human being who never asked to be brought unto this planet?

Do any of you feel the same?

I have a 13-year-old. I'm 36. My tubes are not tied but I am on birth control and use protection. I also highly believe in abortions. Which I am up front about early on in the talking stage. Anyway, its so hard to find men who don't want more children or any at all if he does not already have some.

I met plenty of men who told me in the beginning that they do not want kids/more kids but after say 6 months into the dating or relationship they have changed their mind. I have met men who have said the same thing and then later change their mind. These are late 30s/40-year-olds. At those older ages I would think people can be honest with themselves and others. This has led me to end things with them every single time as more kids are a non-negotiable for me. I no longer want to pursue more parental responsibility. I have 1 child and never allowed pregnancy again because to be honest, I don't want to neglect a child mentally or emotionally and hate the father. I deeply do not desire more children.

Why do men say one thing and then later change their decision as if I will change my mind, when in fact I told him in the talking stages how serious I am about it?

My husband and I, for pretty much all the same reasons, have been stuck on the fence for longer than we'd like. One of the primary reasons is simply that we really love the life we have together right now, and we're struggling to see a version of our lives where we're exhausted, have little to no time for hobbies and friends, and still as happy, or even happier. The big question boils down to SHOULD we be parents (will we be happy with our decision?), rather than CAN we be parents (do we feel confident that we have the skills and temperament to be good parents together? Our answer to this is yes).

I've gone back to therapy this year to try to dig a little deeper with someone who has professional experience working with people who are struggling with parenting (parenting is listed as one of my therapist's specializations) and provide insight we can't get from friends or family. My therapist and I have talked a bit over our last few sessions about the sacrifices that I perceive parenting to require that aren't temporary. The lack of sleep, constantly being sick — that's all temporary with an end in sight. But things like continuing our hobbies, staying connected with our childfree friends, giving our dogs the same amount of love and attention, and still hitting spots on our travel bucket list — those all feel like a big question mark.

When I interact with parents who have children under 5, all they talk about is how much they love and adore their children but have no time to do the things they enjoyed doing in their pre-child/children lives. When I talk to parents, the conversation almost always circles back to their kids. It feels like the parents I interact with have allowed their lives to be consumed by their children, rather than incorporating their children into their lives. In my mind, if we were to have children, we would incorporate children into our existing lives. We would continue to do the things we find joy in, accepting that it will look different, but we will not be sacrificing/losing them altogether. It feels naive to think that way, especially based on how parenting has been modeled around us. My therapist has assured me that what I have envisioned is completely reasonable, that it would require more work upfront, but is a realistic expectation to have.

Am I crazy? Is my therapist crazy? Are there former fencesitters out there that feel like they've achieved this in parenthood?

Husband and I were longtime fence sitters. Got off the fence and tried, and it took. Now I’m reverting backwards and freaking out. We’re on the older half of mid-30s so definitely felt the pressure of time.

I have never felt a calling to be a mother. And pregnancy scares the shit out of me. I read women say they love the bump, feeling kicks… that all sounds like terrifying body horror to me. Gives me the ick so bad. And that’s the “good stuff”… All I think about is what I can’t do. What I can’t eat or drink. All the labels I am supposed to read. Doesn’t help I found out right before vacation so couldn’t even go in the hot tub… probably about 4w in and already thinking about being 10% through and counting down until it’s over, maybe even closer to the finish line if I don’t make it to 40 weeks (a secret hope, and real possibility with my health situation).

For context, I have some mental and physical health challenges. I already struggle to take care of myself while working full time (husband is self employed so we get medical insurance from my job). I have terrible ADHD on top of anxieties and OCD (health OCD is a big theme for me, pregnancy and doctor appointments are very triggering for that). Change has always been really really hard for me. I’m introverted with social anxiety and neither my husband nor I have friends or social support besides each other and our parents. Also, my therapist is having a medical emergency and will be out on leave for at least another 6 weeks. My husband is amazing and supportive and already does most of the housework cause of my ADHD.

I love family and do want to add to ours. I like the idea of rediscovering whimsy through a kids eyes and helping shepherd a new little person through life, hopefully adding a good person to the world. Creating new traditions, sharing my interests, discovering new interests, hopefully making new friends… But I’m so scared I’m not up for this and going fuck up this kid. Or that pregnancy will destroy my mental health. Or that I will never bond with them. Or a million other things. I just feel like I’m scared of more things than I am excited about.

I guess I’m just venting and wondering if anyone else can relate? I know it’s a spectrum of how people react, but I just feel so far on the scared/grossed out/unwell/questioning/existential panic end of the spectrum that I feel like such an outlier.

Religion has always served as a means of "providing an aught from an is", for a lot of people. A sense of objective meaning, an understanding of why something exists rather than nothing, a purpose and grand narrative for life, and a promise of immortality and ultimate justice. Is it crazy of me to think that if a person has none of those things, it gets naturally more difficult to philosophically justify having kids?

I just turned 40yo and I am in shock.

Addictions and homelessness wasted my 30's.

I now have a small condo and do therapy.

My 6 year younger sister had a 1 year old now and a partner and a house...

My senses are overloading with regret I may never have a family.

I dont know what to do. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I cant work...

Hello all, I (27M) and my bf (25M) have been together for abt 5yrs now.

We are having a bit of an issue that is quite classic - he suddenly wants kids, and I've been against kids for quite some time.

Over the past few weeks through personal reflections and counselling, ive become more of a fencesitter - I'm open to having kids. But as a gay couple, it is super hard. We are both against surrogacy for ethical reasons, but the more I learn about adoption and how difficult it is (and also the ethical concerns behind it), especially in my country (Australia), the more I'm turned off by it.

I think having kids could be really amazing. But I'm not sure if a) he is aware of how difficult adoption is and b) if I'm fully ready to deal with the costs, grief and disappointment that comes with adoption. I'm also not sure if adoption is suitable because often times the child you adopt has really significant mental or health-related issues.

Has anyone here had similar experiences or can provide some wisdom for this? Preferably someone who's also in a same sex relationship.

My partner (gf) and I (not married - still deciding) are at a real crossroads about kids. She’s decided — for solid health and mental-load reasons — that she doesn’t want to be pregnant or have biological kids. I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember, so I’ve been sitting with what that means for us.

Adoption’s on the table, but I’ve been resistant to it. After some digging (with my therapist), it’s not that I don’t want a kid at all — it’s two specific fears:

1. Family reaction — I’m Indian, and extended family/parents can be pretty judgmental about adoption vs. “your own” kids. I’m anxious about that fallout more than I am against adoption itself.

2. Bonding fear — a nagging worry that I wouldn’t love an adopted child the same way I’d love a biological one, even though logically I know that’s not usually how it goes for people who’ve actually done it.

So I have two things I’d love outside perspective on:

For the DINK folks: if you’ve chosen not to have kids (biological or otherwise), what do you build your life around instead? What do you look forward to, plan for, structure your time and identity around? I’m trying to understand what fulfillment looks like on that path, since it’s not something I’ve ever pictured for myself.

For anyone who’s adopted, or considered it despite similar doubts: did the bonding fear match reality? And if you dealt with family/cultural judgment around adopting instead of having biological kids, how did you navigate that — did it get easier, did you just accept the friction, anything that helped?

Not looking to be talked into or out of anything — just want real perspectives from people actually living either of these paths, since right now I only have my own untested assumptions to go on.

PS - I took help from GenAI to write this post, just because english is not my first language.
I don’t want relationship advice saying we’re incompatible, i’m not thinking straight, just looking to get some perspective. Thank you!

I am 29F in a relationship with 29M, we are planning to get engaged in the next year. We both go back and forth on kids and haven’t made any decisions but agree we would probably be ok with either option.

My siblings and most of my friends are a few years younger than me, so no one has really started having kids yet. I know this isn’t a good reason to have them, but sometimes I honestly feel like the thing that would make me “happiest” is to just be in the same phase of life as my close circle. I don’t want to be the only parent if my friends continue to live carefree lives, and I don’t want to be left behind if they choose to embark on a new chapter.

I know that this a horrible way to make the decision, kids aren’t a tool for me to stay connected to my circle, yada yada. Just wondering if anyone else has thought this way.

We have one son and I love it, which is exactly what makes the second-kid question so annoying. We're not stuck on whether we can do it. We're stuck on whether we want to do it again.

And my answer won't hold still. Some weeks it's an obvious yes and I catch myself picturing two of them in the back seat. Some weeks it's an obvious no, usually after one bad night, when I can't imagine going back to newborn sleep. Nothing real changes between those weeks except how tired I am. So I've stopped trusting whichever answer I happen to be holding on any given day.

Which is why I'm asking: has anyone here used something structured to work through this, rather than just talking it round in circles? Clearer, Counsel.day, anything along those lines.

Did it actually move the decision, or did it just make the waiting feel productive · or drag the whole thing out longer than it needed to?

Cheers!

I have been walking this path of not wanting children while thinking of what it means to have a child for myself and my partner.

I don't see it as a smart choice for myself as I am a caregiver for my disabled family member and terminally ill parent.

There is this push to have children from other family members... yet I just don't see how this would benefit my life in a meaningful way.

I know I could do it and be a great parent, I just don't see why it is necessary given the state of the world we live in, the constant fight I face in navigating systems that don't work among many other things. It just does not feel like the right time, place, or reason to have children in my own opinion.

I am fully content with my life, balancing work, school, and family.

Basically my question is, why? Is it necessary? What makes it ok and not ok?

I’ve been a fence sitter for a while now and my husband and I are starting to seriously consider a baby in the next year or two. Realistically, we’ll be 38 and 39 when we try. And then what if we love being parents and want another? I’m having so much anxiety about waiting so long, that it’s making me think I missed my window or that it’s better to just stay child free cause we’ll be “old parents”. Would really appreciate hearing stories about couples who waited and had children in their late 30s and early 40s. I need some hope and inspiration that it’s not too late.

I see this all the time online. Usually from mothers. I see other pregnant FTMs talk about receiving the negative comments in real life.

"Nothing compares to having children..... just wait until the baby gets here, you'll never sleep again."

"I didn't know what love was until I had kids..... I haven't done anything for myself in 5 years."

"My kids are the best part of my life, and you don't know what you're missing until you have your own...... Good luck working out/having hobbies/seeing friends until your baby starts school or goes to college!"

Are these mothers talking to themselves when they recite all the hyperbole about how much they love their kids, how life has meaning now the way it never did before, etc? Are they happy that pregnant women are going to join them in the suck of motherhood, instead of keeping their more comfortable childfree lives? Are they couching the realistic warnings in emotional bubble wrap to make expecting FTMs feel better?

The glaring contradictions are bizarre to me.

I was childfree most of my life, then fencesitter. Wanted kids for many of the usual reasons - didn’t see what we’d do for the next 55 years, achieved everything I wanted in life, over clubbing and drinking, wasn’t fulfilled by work or hobbies, friends were having kids and got FOMO, felt life was too comfortable/boring/pointless, everything was monotonous and just work broken up by the odd holiday. Didn’t want them because sensory issues, read endless horror stories about regretting it, hated other people’s kids, love quiet time to myself, love my freedom to read 40 books a year and have 10 hour sleeps.

Got off the fence very slightly, pregnant first try, panicked massively. Genuinely considered abortion in the first trimester, went through many counselling and mental health services. All I’d read was horror stories about drudgery, nightmare children, “you’ll never sleep again”, relationship breakups, and as a risk averse person I couldn’t handle the uncertainty of what was to come. Physically, the pregnancy was pretty textbook and easy, just the last few weeks was physically tough (and nausea and heatwaves). Mentally very hard and anxiety riddled. I made lots of pregnancy friends, more in 6 months than the previous 10 years.

Well….now she’s here! And I absolutely love my life. I literally can’t fathom my old life anymore. I love her so much, I love looking at her little face and all the funny things she does, and feel guilty about how I felt in 1st trimester. And I know it’s very early days, but none of the internet horror stories have come to pass. We do mostly formula, so me and husband split the nights into 5h shifts. On a good night we get 7-8 hours each, on a bad night 4-5, but there is no day I’ve been a zombie apart from the night in hospital in a shared ward, and night 3 when I was stressed over relatives staying with us and slept 2 hours. She sleeps 3 hour chunks and my husband has been going to the gym regularly, we’ve been out with her loads for brunch, our house is clean and tidy, and I’ve been making my way through Desperate Housewives 😊

I was worried about the baby crying aggravating my sensory issues….she doesn’t really cry unless we’re late to feed her, and actually holding her calms me down so much whereas nothing used to before. And her crying is sad but not in that rage-inducing random kid in a supermarket way, just sad because I want to fix it.

Thought having a baby would be drudgery/monotony - it would be if it was someone else’s baby, but with mine, changing nappies and feeding/burping her is a joy. It’s hard work when you don’t like what you’re doing, I’ve enjoyed every single moment with her. In my old life, I’d feel guilty for watching TV all day and not being productive. Now I don’t care because keeping her alive is productive!

I was worried about getting fat in pregnancy….put on 6-7kg and lost it already. Baby was 3.4kg at 38 weeks so very healthy.

Worried other mums would judge me about formula or wanting a c section….no-one cares.

Worried I’d have no time for myself - yes I can’t sit all day long reading or on the internet, but that’s a GOOD thing as I had too much time on my hands before, and at the moment I still have a lot of time - just 2-3 hour chunks.

Worried our relationship would go to shit - it’s stronger than ever as we are a team.

I would caveat this by saying we were in a good financial position, have very good mat/pat leaves, and my husband is 50/50 in everything so far and I knew he would be. And I’m not exclusive breastfeeding, I think that would make things MUCH harder.

If you are someone who gets bored of jobs, hobbies, or projects, having a baby is the best. It’s an ever changing lifelong challenge - just as you have something sussed, they develop and change.

TL/DR - having a kid 5⭐️ would recommend

Hi everyone, just hoping to see if anyone feels the same and has any advice or wisdom.

I (32F) had a realization that I am not 50/50 (split on wanting and not wanting kids - which is what I used to say but never quite explained how I was feeling), I am actually 100/100. Meaning I want both lives, I want to live a life with kids and I want to live a life child-free. I could see myself living both lives and being happy either way. There are obviously strong pros and cons, and I am unsure which life to live.

My husband does lean slightly more child-free at this time, but would be also happy to have children.

I’ve always felt maternal, and I think raising a child would be a beautiful experience. But at the same time, I am not blind to the exhaustion and challenges that come with raising children and I know I can still live a really fulfilling life child-free with my husband and our dogs. The other consideration I come back to is that we wouldn’t have a lot of support (we don’t have family close by) so we’d really be raising this child just us (which adds to the challenge part I consider).

It’s like choosing a life with more highs but also more lows (having a child), or living a life more steady and calm but possibly less extreme highs and lows (child-free).

Anyways, I could go either way and I don’t know which life to live.

I have always felt that I do not want to have children but I do like to read and reflect upon this decision every now and then because I want to make sure I am making the right choice.

I’ve been reading/hearing about stories where parents say that they’ve always been childfree but either got pregnant accidentally or by being pressured into it. And they say that now that experienced mother/fatherhood, it is the best thing ever, they never knew this kind of love… etc.

This got me thinking, how do I know I am not this kind of childfree person that will end up loving being a mother?

For now, I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having them. So I didn’t change my mind about it. But it’s just a thought, open for your thoughts and experiences.

Me and my partner have been together 7 years, always saying we don’t want kids.

Hes made the decision he wants a vasectomy as he doesn’t seem himself with a child, ever.

We both have said for 7 years being together we don’t want kids. There are number of reasons why.

Just to put it short (please don’t take offence):

1. I don’t think I’d be a good mom, I have bad patience and short temper. Wouldn’t be able to put up with the stress.

2. I don’t want to carry a child, I think I would terrible body dysmorphia and it kind of freaks me out.

3. I don’t want the physical and mental stress for 9 months and have the side effects of pregnancy.

4. It’s a permanent decision to have kids obvs but I’m worried if I made that decision I just purely wouldn’t cope with living with them and caring 24/7.

5. I want a stress free life.

6. The world is shit, let’s be honest. I don’t think I should even contemplate bringing a child into it. Danger and violence everywhere. Rights of everyone being stripped. So unfair.

Then on the other hand:

I am an only child, my parents would love be grandparents.

I feel so uncertainty about the vasectomy being permanent ( yes reversible but still very very complicated and most likely permanent ).

Would it be too quiet? I hat if I’m lonely when I’m old? It’s nice to have a bond between you and your parents etc. days out and everything etc.

I’m just worried if he has it we will regret it. I’m not sure, I feel a bit co fused because I can’t confidently say 1000% it’s a good decision or not.

I’d feel relieved very much so relieved. Because I definitely don’t want one now.

Anyone else been in a similar position?