r/Fencesitter

I’m a teenage girl, and I wanted to ask people a genuine question about relationships and future family plans.

Right now, I don’t see myself having kids for at least the next 20 years, if ever. The career path I want for my life doesn’t really fit a lifestyle centered around children, and even outside of my career, the lifestyle I naturally enjoy still doesn’t involve kids much. And just to clarify, when I talk about my career or lifestyle, I do not mean anything related to prostitution, OnlyFans, or anything in that area at all. That’s not what I’m referring to.

At the same time, I think I would’ve loved being a mom under different circumstances. It’s not that I hate children or dislike the idea completely. I actually think I could be a great mother in some ways. But mentally and physically, I just don’t naturally move through life in a very motherly way. I’m not irresponsible in a reckless or inappropriate sense, and I’m not someone who carries myself in a disrespectful way either. I just know that my personality, mindset, goals, and lifestyle are not naturally built around motherhood.

I also care a lot about my appearance, my body, and maintaining the version of myself that makes me feel confident and happy. I’m very self-focused, not in a narcissistic or cruel way, but in the sense that I value my freedom, my goals, and the way I live my life. I also don’t think I’m responsible enough for children right now, and I honestly don’t know if that will fully change in the future.

I know that when I’m in love, I can become deeply emotional and say or do things from the intensity of love, but this is one topic where I try to think realistically.

So my question is:

If I were your girlfriend and I told you all of this honestly, how would you react? What would you think, say, or do in that moment?

I(28) have been seeing a guy(32) since 6 months now and from the start we knew we had different stands about kids. I hadn’t put much serious thought but always assumed I would probably have a kid, and he didn’t want kids. His reasons were he wanted early financial independence to have a peaceful stress-free life and the amount of responsibility that goes in raising kids. He likes kids and loves spending a lot of time with his niece.

Initially we hadn’t parted ways early because everything was going so great and healthy from a relationship pov and we were feeling happy getting to know each other. At 3rd month we decided to give it a hard think, share our views and then ended up parting ways.

But it only lasted a fews days. We both just felt so bad about leaving such a good thing that we decided to give it another try. I even bought the book the baby decision book, realised having a kid was just a default setting handed to me by society and genuinely thought a lot about being childfree to give it a fair chance. I am now more neutral about kid/childfree choice and can see either happening in my life. I am still working on it, genuinely very confused and trust that time will reveal more to me.

We had a lot of long conversations and I gave him a lot of time. He put a lot of thought into his decision. With everything else going on in our lives, this took another few weeks.

By the end it started emerging that he could see how good this relationship was, wanted to be with me and believed he would be okay with having a kid if it came to it in the future. I was of course a bit paranoid, and asked him a lot of questions about his previous childfree choice and concerns.

- For financial independence he said he was okay to push his timelines a bit. The goal is to be happy and at peace which he would be because he had confidence in our relationship.
- For the responsibility bit he said it would be fine if he is with the right person.
- We also discussed the conditions of having a kid and agreed that we wouldn’t have one unless we were in an environment and standards that we set for having a kid.
- I had also said to him that he can’t take a purely emotion based decision and that he needs to actually be somewhat okay having a kid to give it a fair chance.

Honestly we worked a lot on it, and by the end we were happy and thought things were finally gonna be good.

After like two weeks, something triggered him to think about all this if I was not in the equation. And he felt confused. Which made him anxious about his whole decision and why this thought was coming up now. He said maybe he was feeling overprotective about himself and his beliefs. But at the same time he was feeling a fear that this relationship could end.

He is confused why these thoughts are coming up now and what to make of it. I thought we had covered all bases and all this happening now is really hurtful. And he always sounded firm on the fact that he would be happy with it since our relationship would be good.

I don’t know where to go from here. I tried my best and now I feel like I am kind of done thinking about this.

The childfree subreddit is v negative, people saying that parents are basically all deluded and lying about this shared experience of unbelievably intense love and joy. It’s a very pessimistic way of viewing others.

I see that there must be a lot of truth in that experience, otherwise why would the vast majority of people report it. And I can understand it. As a human being, I feel natural desire to protect and care for every child, let alone how I can imagine I would feel for one who I have brought into the world and completely depends on me! I imagine that love would be intense, unlike anything else and probably very fulfilling. I’m an empathic strongly feeling person and just imagining it is intense, let alone feeling it! I accept if I don’t have kids, I am giving up the chance to feel that.

And on the other hand, I see the intensity of this feeling as something to think carefully about. I believe in life you typically gain something and lose something else, often in equal measure. Like any “drug” I think the love of being a parent is probably quite all consuming. There’s a reason monks and nuns are celibate lol. Suddenly your life is a whirlwind, a part of your heart is living independently outside you and your identity is in flux and so dependent on another(s). And I don’t see that it gets easier, it just evolves with time and poses different challenges. Although parents love their children forever, the relationship you have with a toddler, a teenager, an adult child - all very different, nuanced and not that hormone fuelled infatuation of the early days.

I think about what my life could be without that decision. Suddenly, it feels a lot longer. Without spending 20 years in the flurry of a little persons growth, where would that energy go. It’s kind of terrifying tbh, and that’s why in many ways parenthood feels safer. I know there are a million unknowns with parenthood but at the end of the day it’s meaningful, it’s fulfilling, you’ll grow and change for sure. Tick tick, life has a purpose. Going without feels like the harder choice in many ways, there will still be searching for that meaning. But it feels like the path less travelled by…and that could make all the difference. Raising a person is obviously important and fulfilling, but at the end of the day that’s all it is.

When parents here comment that their child’s smile or saying “love you” is the most amazing feeling that makes it all worth it/they know it was the right choice, my heart glows for them but my tummy also churns, because it’s a beautiful experience subjectively but objectively l feel like “is this it?” I guess it’s rather existential and angsty and silly lol. But I had these nihilistic existential feeling since…I can remember really and it’s something that I’ve never fully grown out of tbh. In the back of my mind, why am I here? And if I don’t know, why would I bring someone else here? I felt this strong resistance to the cycle / hamster wheel of existence before I had words for it and it still lives within me. I do wonder where could I pour this creative and nurturing energy if I chose to not take on that role of “mother”

I’m the first woman in my family to truly have a choice probably…ever. I’m the first out lesbian in my family. I don’t know, I almost feel I OWE it to those women to choose myself, freedom, be unpunishable. And yes I’ll lose out on experiencing a feeling I’ll never know (but u can’t miss what you never had). And what I’ll gain? I can’t really imagine right now.

After being a fence sitter for a long time, my partner and I (30F) decided to try for kids. I got pregnant in the first month, which was not what I expected due to some health conditions and I’m feeling very scared and overwhelmed.

Having a kid might be nice and I think my partner would be a great parent, but I’m suddenly paralyzed with all the different things that could go wrong and something that I found I can’t wrap my head around is severe autism or disability. It’s quite possible I have undiagnosed autism myself, which has made me start to worry more.

I grew up in not great circumstances, and while my mom says having kids is the best thing ever, I have vivid memories of her anger, depression and rage at my actions when I was younger. I grew up very fast and I’ve had to be a caregiver for others in my life before.

Suddenly, now that I’m pregnant I can’t stop thinking about what that would mean if I had a child with severe autism or other intense special needs and whether I’d be able to meet those needs in a selfless manner. I grew up next to a family with a son who had severe autism and had very violent episodes...

Thinking about that now with the potential of becoming a parent makes me stressed and anxious. I don’t know if I could bring a kid into the world, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to handle that appropriately.

I’m only 5 weeks and am crying all the time and have had very intense depressive periods where I think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I’ve already scheduled an appointment with my therapist but am curious about everyone else’s experiences.

I know I have access to an abortion, but I feel like if I have one now I could risk hurting my relationship and would likely close the door on having kids permanently. I feel like a failure for feeling this way when I know others desperately try for a kid, meanwhile I’m terrified of the life I have built for myself being entirely ruined.

This is one factor in my fencesitting and I’m curious about how others have thought about this topic/dealt with it.

My husband and I are 29. My parents had me when they were 31. When I was a kid, we had a huge farmhouse and land, that my parents bought for $36k in 1995. My parents did not go to college, and worked what I’d call “normal” jobs with normal hours. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, aunt, and cousins. They never went through unemployment, not even in 2008. We were not wealthy but had no financial anxiety. Vacations were local road trips and camping, we had a lot of stuff to do on the farm, etc.

My husband and I are both college educated but I doubt we will able to obtain the level of material wealth and job stability my parents had at our age. I graduated college in 2019 and everything has been chaotic since then. We are working on buying a house but what we can afford is tiny without much room to run around. There will also be no local cousins for our kids (husbands siblings are childfree), and there’s some family drama between my parents and the grandparents and they don’t speak anymore. That one has nothing to do with me but it still is unfortunate.

Does anyone feel this way? I feel kind of guilty not being able to provide this kind of childhood to my kids, even if most of it isn’t my fault.

I’m 32f have been on the fence for a while but the last few months I feel like my decision about my future has become clearer and that I would like one or two kids. My partner (35m) however doesn’t want kids. This conversation didn’t come up until 2 years in unfortunately after I already felt like I knew I wanted to spend my life with him.

Here’s the dilemma. My partner helps out with his 30 year old brother who doesn’t work because he gets bad migraines and his aging father (72). He lives with them currently and I’ve asked him what our future would look like if we move forward. He didn’t know because of the responsibilities he has to his family and said there wasn’t any way he could plan for it. I disagree about the planning part. I also recently asked him if he would feel differently about kids if he didn’t have all of those family responsibilities and he told me that he probably would. He said two months ago that he would go to therapy to discuss some of his issues but he still hasn’t gone. Meanwhile I feel like I’m getting frustrated bc I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and he isn’t making any forward progress.

I love him so much but I don’t know how to work this all out. I’m so scared of losing him. Any advice would be appreciated.

So glad I found this subreddit to vent some of my feelings to people who are in same boat. Since I was very young it was always assumed I would have kids because I have strong maternal and caring instincts.

For years, about 20-25ish I’ve been dying to be a SAHM. Being home with my kid(s), doing house stuff, going to the park, getting lunch with grandma, etc. and all while not having to answer to a corporate boss, or anyone in general besides my child! lol. I never had the partner to support that dream though, had some very bad relationships, but found my now husband end of 2023 and we got married in the fall of 2025. He is amazing, I knew within months he would be a fantastic father and amazing husband. I told him from the beginning what I was looking for, not trying to put too much pressure but I was really feeling the pull to quit my job and have kids. Here’s the thing, I’m 27 now and in the last year this has really changed. I got a new role at my job and it’s a lot more flexible(no more inbound support calls), making more money and my husband is doing great in his career and making more money than ever before.

We just bought a house, we get to put all our spare money into hobbies, savings and paying off the little debt we have. We have cats and a dog, we love spending time with each other and participating in each others hobbies. Since we have money for the first time in either of our lives we really want to travel. Suddenly now that my job isn’t too bad, I’m happy with our home, and we have disposable income im not so set on having kids.

We agreed we’ll reevaluate when I’m 29-30. My husband is totally on board with whichever way I want to go. He has said he could see loving our life either way and finding fulfillment. I really agree with this but as someone who has always wanted kids I’m worried I’ll regret it. I suppose it’s silly to worry now when we still have time, but I’m also anxious since I had endometriosis and my mom had a hard time getting pregnant.

I can totally see our lives being wonderful and fulfilling without kids, but I think about my childhood and all the amazing memories, and the fact that at the center of my life right now is my family. My husband and I are very close with my parents, my sister is my bestfriend, I can’t imagine life without them and I worry about not giving ourselves the chance to pass this on to our potential future kids.

I guess many child-free people (me included) don’t know what it feels like to have a son or daughter. I know it sounds silly, but since the joy my cats bring me is immense, hearing this sort of comparison might help me make a more “informed” decision on whether to explore the possibility of having children.

So I'm 30F, getting married later this year. Great fiancé(31M), love my life, love my freedom, love our friends, love traveling together.

From like 20-24 I fostered dogs and loved it, and I don't know if I've gotten more protective of my space or selfish or something, but I tried again a few months back and just hated it. The diversion from my normal life, the worries about pee, fur everywhere, being constantly needed, having to aid them falling asleep in the crate after an hour of crying and worrying about my neighbors. I feel this bodes pretty badly for a kid.

At the same time, I know I won't be 30 forever. Not just the biological clock in mind, but all the holidays I enjoy spending with my parents will come to an end. One day it will just be my husband and I and his single siblings (I'm an only child, so that also gives some guilt), and presumably no one else. I hate the idea of a kid that asks how everything works and doesn't let us sleep for 3 years but I like the idea of a 9 year old (and up) with their own interests and personalities. Basically if we could fast forward to that I would be on board.

Our friends with kids are only two couples of twelve right now, but that will surely change. I know the fun we all have and frequency of it will come to an end and that kid pressure will turn up. But as of now my view is that kids get in the way of your relationship so substantially, until all you talk about is those kids, and I love my fiancé so dearly that the thought terrifies me. I look at couples and their kids at dinner and so often no one is talking and I think to myself their relationship is dead and that will happen to us. My mom once told me she of course loves me more than she loves my dad (and they have a great relationship), and I think that has sat with me negatively ever since.

Basically I'd love to hear if anyone else felt like this, had kids, and is happy. I know my fiancé wanted them when we met, but he said he understands my concerns and would pick me instead every day. I would be the ultimate decider here and I just don't know what the right choice is.

TL;DR: don't want kids to ruin my relationship, don't like young kids at all. Don't mind (well behaved) older kids, but can't imagine my life revolving around them so substantially that I become the sort of mom that talks about their kids to everyone and has them as a phone background. Help.

PS talked at Easter to a friend's brother and his wife who have kids and mentioned the fears about only talking about the kids with each other, they said "yeah of course we want to talk about her all the time, she's the best thing we ever did." I think this also put me in mild paralysis because they were otherwise a very cool couple. I think I simply don't understand how you can enjoy your partner's company and want to throw a kid in the mix.

I guess I just want someone to bounce my thoughts with apart from my husband. I (31, F) and him (32, F) have been married for 6 years now. Surprisingly nobody really puts a pressure on us when it comes to having a baby, but recently, one of his siblings announced they are expecting and I guess that made us actually think hard about our own situation. They’re closer to us in age and we have the same timeline so I guess it’s too close for comfort.

Both of us are fencesitters and if anything, he would let me stir us to an ultimate decision. But I have plenty of worries about having a kid, such as the ff:

1. I’m scared I’m not mentally stable enough to have a child. I easily struggle with burnout and having BIG feelings that even a simple argument makes me cry. I just can’t imagine myself being a source of stability for my kid and I grew up with a mom who has that behavior.

2. My husband and I LOVE to travel. We go on at least 5 trips a year since we have flight benefits. Obviously traveling would be different with a kid. Personally, even if I have not met my husband, it would still be my main interest.

3. Nothing about caring for a child entices me but I do appreciate the idea of having adult kids. I think when I’m old and gray, a relationship with a child is something I can envision. But to get from point B, I’d have to do point A first. And I’m not sure if that reason alone is enough for me to want it.

4. The reality is, I would be the one who needs to step away from work since my husband makes significantly more than I do. As somebody who loves traveling, staying in one place really bores me out of my mind. Even the thought of “taking it easy” for 9 months during pregnancy intimidates me. It reminds me of how I felt during the pandemic.

5. Lastly, I think I am vain enough to admit the physical changes it could cause me is a big deal. I already suffer from body dysmorphia enough as is.

I wanted to hear some of your thoughts on why you are leaning to be childfree and if anyone can relate to any of these reasons

I have wanted to be a mom since a kid. I’ve been the mom friend, I’ve cared for my friend’s kids, baby cousins etc..

Now that I’ve turned 30 and will be getting married soon, I find myself in love with this life and not wanting to give it up. My fiancé and I have been together 7 years and have looked forward to starting a family someday, even saved up cute little clothes, but now I’m on the fence. We started TTC 4 years ago and had no luck, then I got into grad school so it worked out anyway.

My fiancé (31) was unexpectedly diagnosed with brain cancer last summer. Four months after our engagement. Thankfully his mutations respond well to treatment so he’s doing amazing , we honestly forget that it exists at times. But I feel scared about bringing a kid into this as well. My career is going well, I’ve grown so much over the past 4 years and really feel confident in my role and the woman I’ve grown into. We’ve grown as a couple, travel a bit more and things are just so peaceful in this chapter of life so I’m very afraid of messing that up. It’s also very clear that mothers are commonly the default parent and I don’t want that stress!! I have anxiety and become overwhelmed easily. I’ve been doing great at keeping those two things under control so I don’t want to triple the feelings by entering the crazy world of motherhood.

We had a conversation about it today and he said he understands and doesn’t blame me for how I feel but he does feel sad about it. I shared that the decision isn’t permanent, it’s just how I currently feel. There still is part of me that wants it, the feeling just isn’t as strong anymore…

Does anyone else understand?

One of the main reasons my husband and I are leaning childfree is the lack of sleep.

At the weekend we saw some parent friends and they were complaining about being exhausted for the last 6 years (they have a 6 year old and a 1 year old).

My husband has epilepsy that can be life threatening if he is fatigued from a lack of sleep, plus stress. I say life threatening because they are both major seizure triggers, and accidents can happen with seizures. If he falls on his head, stops breathing (SUDEP - very rare but is still a risk).

He is medicated, but he aims for eight hours of sleep a night, every single night, uninterrupted. This can be stressful if we have a party, jet lag, wedding or event that goes on late, and it sometimes comes between us because I don’t always want to leave the event early or go to bed at the same time (this rebelliousness is something I’m working on).

I think his condition combined with my mental health would make it incredibly challenging to have a young child, and I worry I would end up resenting the decision.

We are 40 minutes away from our nearest family.

For those of you who have decided to have kids, could you please honestly share what sleep has been like for you? Does it really affect you as bone deep as it sounds?

I’m with someone who have been off and on with for a few years. She’s younger and doesn’t want kids. Especially not with my because of my families medical history. (I had cancer, aunt too, arthritis and Lupus etc in my mom’s side) I don’t with her because her mental health diagnosis as well. I love her and a lot of the foundation of her as a person is what I want. She’s loyal, she’s funny smart, she challenges me and has a voice, she always has my back and is just the most caring and loving person. We just don’t always seem to connect. After all the back n forth, she always fight for me and I fight for her. She just fights harder it feels like sometimes. The more we spend time together the more i notice how much we are alike. My favorite thing about her is how she’s always growing and always wanting to be better. My issue is that it feels like such hard work sometimes. It feels like we have 2 major issues and that’s me wanting kids and her not, and her not wanting to give up her beautiful apartment (and low rent) to move in with me, (I live with my parents and brother but going to have a separate apartment in the house soon) I moved back in when I was diagnosed with cancer for all you judge mental folks.

So ultimately my question is, are soulmates a thing, should it be a lot easier, or do we just keep choosing each other and it’ll all workout ?

I know there are a lot of posts on here wanting to learn more about life for former fence sitters.

It seems most adjust to parenthood and love it.

I think what makes us fence sitters is we think heavily of all scenarios. I’m not saying our counterparts who don’t even give it a second thought DONT but we tend to think of a lot of factors that go into parenthood and weigh out pros and cons ..

I’m more curious if anyone was on fence, had a baby, is happy, but have any “I thought that would happen and it did” shares.

My close friend wasn’t a fence sitter but she always shared if she had a kid she worried she would be strong willed like her. She loves her daughter but sure enough her kid fights her in the mornings on everything .. what she’s wearing, eating, etc. her daughter is a piston. She only wants to wear sweaters, pearls, and pleated skirts. And she only likes to eat like 5 things. My friend is a health freak and a yogi .. so she’s shared by 6am a lot of negotiating goes on lol

But she enjoys being a mom but just a reality she shared .. I know losing our individuality and hobbies really varies on the support we have

Wanted to share my decision, as a (former but I’d love to return one day) early childhood educator (aka, infants through prek) in her 30s who has decided to not have children of my own.

My decision comes down to I would be a great mom but not a happy one, for so many reasons. I have so many things I want to pursue in life, none of which involve children. I also personally believe the way the planet is going, I don’t want to live with the anxiety of what world my children and grandchildren could inherit. I want to spend my time here inspiring others, helping people connect and learn from each other, and helping better the world.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a weird thing to grow up all my life imaging myself with children, saving childhood toys for them, thinking what type of schooling they’d have… but I never found joy in these thoughts, not the way i do when I think of my aspirations and dreams.

I am so happy to be an auntie to those in my family, and I can’t wait to spoil them. But I feel peace knowing my decision is made, and luckily my partner and the woman who raised me both not only respect my decision but celebrate it.

Wishing the best to any other fence sitters, no matter what you choose. 💕🫶

I know you don’t choose to have a child because you get someone who wants you and looks up to you and loves you. I know that.
But I still need to know if getting all the love, attention, feeling wanted by the baby/child, someone who depends on you, looks up to you,
DOES it compensate for all the pain and suffering a parent goes through. Especially women who birth the child, breast feed and then parents going through over stimulation from all the crying, sleepless nights, having your free time taken away, having to spend so much of your life just caring for the child, having to spend a lot of money. Having child with special needs etc and more.
I don’t want to know what you give.
I want to know if what you are getting from being a parent worth all the pain.

Edit: when I say worth all the pain, I did not mean worth having the baby.
Does it outweigh the pain and suffering at the end of the day.

this is kind of long, thank you in advance to anyone taking time to read this.

Just for a variety of reasons, I (33f) have ended up being the primary breadwinner in my relationship. I am self employed and my husband makes less than me and has a lower stress part time job, and does most of the housework. I don’t make a ton of money but we manage, we live in one of the most expensive cities in the US. Mostly I am cool with this arrangement, because he’s just better at housework than me and I have a fulfilling career. He doesn’t have a lot of interest in advancing his career. We have discussed the possibility of him being a primary caretaker if we have kids (which I should add is a big IF and we are leaning towards no), nontraditional for sure but I think he might be good at it.

I do see being the primary breadwinner being something that causes resentment if we choose to have kids. Also as a self employed person I spend a crazy amount of money for health insurance and it would go up higher if I had a child (1800 dollars/month is what another self employed person told me they pay for them and their 2 kids… yikes!). I’ll probably have to go to a 9-5 to get better benefits and more stable pay, which I do for years and it sucked the life out of me. I feel like I will just become bitter and resentful of my husband.

There is part of me that also kind of doubts the idea of a man being a primary caretaker… obviously we are already very nontraditional but part of me feels I am going to end up doing most of the work on top of working full time. A lot of this is influenced by seeing my friend’s husbands and social media posts from moms, even though knowing my husband I think its likely he would do a good job as a primary parent.

It sounds really bad but I see some of my friends with husbands with well paying careers and think… wow if I had that I would be so much more into the idea of having kids.

Also I know this may come off as frustrated or resentful for my husband… I have seen how miserable he was working full time and this is just a better arrangement for us. I love him, hes a great partner and the best thing that ever happened to me, and want to stay in a relationship with him more than anything.

Thanks for reading this far. I appreciate any input anyone has.

ITl;Dr I am ok with making more money than my husband now, but I don’t think I will if we have kids

I’m almost 38 and 6 months into dating a great guy who told me last week he decided he doesn’t want to have kids. I very much do. I knew he was unsure since we started dating. He said “with the right person” it’s a possibility, but the idea terrifies him.

He decided to make a decision at 6 months bc I “deserved an answer,” knowing my choice and that I was willing to do it on my own in the next couple years. My sentiment has changed since I first told him that. I think I would be scared and terribly lonely to do it without a partner (I updated him on this). He has put a ton of thought into it.

Neither of us want to break up. Neither of us sees our choice changing in the foreseeable future. We not so secretly hope the other will change their mind, but also know that is an incredibly dangerous/irresponsible place to put our hope. I don’t think he is a 110% “no” forever.

He has never desired kids, but also has never really considered having them until now. He didn’t have a great childhood, was an only child, raised himself. I grew up with sisters, loving parents, but experienced their terrible divorce. He and I both love being an uncle/aunt to our nibblings. We both have issues with anxiety. We acknowledge and respect each other’s points of view.

I nearly had a panic attack at the idea of breaking up. It has taken me this long to find someone who I can see a future with. The dating pool is small for my mid-size city, with many people are already married with kids.

I just want to finally enjoy being in a relationship… see if we can fall in love and grow together. I have experienced immense familial grief over the last four years and just want to catch a break. I’m terrified to grieve again - both the idea of losing him and the idea of losing a future family.

I don’t know how to carry this… go in deeper to see what becomes of our relationship or cut it off in hopes of finding another needle in an even bigger haystack. Bio clock is ticking. Fear of not being able to experience having and loving a child of my own is dizzying and somehow shameful. Breaking up feels helpless and premature. Not breaking up feels naive and foolish. Being a human never seems to stop being hard. I don’t know what to do.

Yeah, you read that right. I want to go to the other side, but calm down, that's not what you think.

For as long as I can remember, I (31M) never wanted kids. When I hit 25—minimum age to get a vasectomy—I got a vasectomy. I've never regretted this decision, but as I grew older, I realized it was an extremely impulsive decision. But what's done is done, can't—and don't want to—reverse it now. I always thought "well, if I want to become a father, I can adopt or have a child through IVF". But like I said, I never wanted... "So why do you want to go to the other side?", you ask me. Well, the thing is, two years ago I met this girl and she dreams of becoming a mother. We've had a great 2-year relationship until the first days of April, when she pressed me and asked me to promise her that someday we’d have a child. She's 25 and wants to get pregnant no later than 30 to 31 years old. But I couldn't... I couldn’t promise her something I didn’t truly mean.. Can you imagine after five years waiting I still don't want kids in my life? It would break her, it would be the most vile thing I could have done: waste years of her life. So we broke up after many—and I mean MANY—conversations. Today I moved out of our apartment. But I can't stop feeling I'm being dumb in letting her go. I love her so much, why is this thing such a big deal that I would rather lose her for the rest of my life than giving her the family she wants so much and will make her happy and fulfilled?

I go to the therapy and I never touched this subject, because I always felt like "well, this is the way I am and there's nothing I can do about it, no big deal". But now I'm asking myself if I start to work through this and get to know me better, my upbringing and everything that makes me not want kids (financially, emotionally, etc), wether I can change my mind, so I can willingly give her that future and not only a fake promise I certainly wouldn't keep. We talked tonight for the last time and she said that if I can figure this out, we can totally get back together, but I have to really mean it! So I ask you to help me, please! Please share your experiences with parenthood.