u/Due-Transition-6564

I see this all the time online. Usually from mothers. I see other pregnant FTMs talk about receiving the negative comments in real life.

"Nothing compares to having children..... just wait until the baby gets here, you'll never sleep again."

"I didn't know what love was until I had kids..... I haven't done anything for myself in 5 years."

"My kids are the best part of my life, and you don't know what you're missing until you have your own...... Good luck working out/having hobbies/seeing friends until your baby starts school or goes to college!"

Are these mothers talking to themselves when they recite all the hyperbole about how much they love their kids, how life has meaning now the way it never did before, etc? Are they happy that pregnant women are going to join them in the suck of motherhood, instead of keeping their more comfortable childfree lives? Are they couching the realistic warnings in emotional bubble wrap to make expecting FTMs feel better?

The glaring contradictions are bizarre to me.

36F. College educated.

7+ years of experience in marketing/copywriting. Laid off in October 2023.

I've spent almost 3 years trying my hardest to get another job in my field. Close to 3000 applications. Predominantly remote jobs but also some on-site.

Now, I'm pregnant, due in a few months. I continued applying throughout my first and second trimesters. Getting pregnant made me even more desperate to get a job, so that I don't end up totally financially dependent on my partner with a baby in the picture.

But the closer I get to birth, the more pointless it seems to keep trying. If I lucked into a job, I'd have to take off for maternity leave right away and hope they don't fire me for it.

If I give up now, it feels final. Like I won't be able to come back from it. Realistically, I won't have the time and energy to send out applications in the first 2-3 months of baby's life, minimum. By then, I will have crossed over the 3 year mark, and it seems reasonable to assume that if nobody wanted me with a 2+ year gap, they won't want me with a 3+ year gap.

If my marketing career is over, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It makes no sense financially to take a full time, low wage job in retail, food service, customer service, etc if all the money goes to daycare, and if the pay is really low, it probably wouldn't even cover full time daycare. As for other white collar jobs, I have no recent or professional experience doing anything else besides marketing. I'd have to start at entry level, and depending on what the salary is, the daycare math could be an issue too. That's beside the fact I have no idea what I would even want to do, and I couldn't afford to go back to school.

Being a SAHM who's financially dependent on a man is my worst nightmare, but I don't know now if there's any way to climb out of that hole once I get sucked into it, which seems inevitable at this point.

So, do I just accept it's over and that the worst case scenario is my life now? Do I keep applying to marketing jobs until I give birth? ​​

I spent many years IDing as asexual when I was younger, then figured out I'm either demi or gray. I also went from hetero (when underage) to questioning to lesbian to bi, but that's not as relevant to this conversation.

This is my first and only sexual relationship. It's also the only romantic relationship I've had in adulthood. I'm 36F and my partner is 37M. We were friends for 2.5 years, acquaintances for longer, before getting together, and I was very in love with him for most of our friendship. Now, we live together, we're expecting a baby, and we plan on getting married eventually.

​I knew long before my boyfriend and I got together as a couple that he was a fairly typical straight guy with an average sexual/romantic history. When we were friends and I was longing to be with him romantically, I didn't think it mattered much. It didn't concern me, beyond the constant anxiety that he would start dating someone new.

But since the beginning of our romantic relationship, I've struggled with retroactive jealousy over his exes, anxiety about him cheating, and a general desire for the sex we have to be a much deeper, more emotional, and more spiritual experience than it's mostly been. I acknowledge that some of this is me being an anxious person and possibly having ROCD.

But I think a lot of it is the result of my sexual nature and my emotional nature being fundamentally opposite of his. It's the result of me not having any personal frame of reference for past sexual relationships not meaning anything anymore, sex being unemotional, romantic relationships happening without ever reaching the point of love, sexual desire for strangers you have no feelings for, etc.

I know he was in love with at least one ex but not all of them. I know he had a handful of short romantic relationships that never got very emotional and were mostly about sex. I know he was single for many consecutive years in his 20s and early 30s too.

I love him deeply and tremendously, and he and our relationship are special to me, in part because they represent some major firsts in my experience. I've always wanted to end up with a soulmate, a spouse, for whom I was unparalleled, the one, the love of his or her life, special, unique, etc. I want to be those things to him. But I feel like I can't be because he's had sex with other women, he's been in love with at least one sexual partner before, and he won't tell me that I'm better, different, special by comparison, that he loves me more than he loved the exes he loved, etc. It's been really painful to feel like he and our relationship mean more to me than I do to him, and that no matter how good a partner I am, no matter how amazing a person I am, I can't change that.

One reason I spent most of my life wanting a celibate marriage with an asexual or voluntarily celibate partner was so that I would never have to deal with things like this. So that I could know I was loved for who I am as a person and not because I'm a sexual resource. So that I wouldn't have to worry about being left for someone else who isn't even loved over me but just sexually desired over me. Or left for an ex who provided the same sex/love combo.

The only reason I ended up in this situation is because my love for my partner is powerful.

I feel like allosexual people don't understand or sympathize because they're the majority, the default, and they think their way of being is therefore correct, everything else is wrong. So, I'm posting here in case any other demis know how I feel and can show some compassion or give some advice. ​

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I'm 36F, my partner is 37M. We were friends for 2.5 years before getting together, and I was in love with him that whole time. We've been together 1 year and 3 months, moved in together 3 months ago. We're having a baby in a few months and plan on getting married.

This is my first sexual relationship. It's also the only romantic relationship I've had in adulthood. I was celibate by choice until him and planned on staying celibate for life, though I always wanted a life partner. I was single from 18 to 34 because there were times I didn't feel I or my life was good enough for a partner and the times I was searching, I simply never met anyone I had feelings for.

He's a typical straight guy. Been having sex since he was maybe 18, had a handful of exes of varying relationship length and emotional seriousness. Never married, no kids, and never lived with a girlfriend before me. He was also single for many years in his 20s and early 30s, which sounds more like a choice than not.

Our relationship is pretty good, in my opinion. We rarely argue. We're very affectionate. We have sex weekly, and it's decent for me, great for him. We enjoy spending time together.

But since the start, I've struggled with anxiety about cheating and abandonment. I've also struggled with retroactive jealousy over his exes. The abandonment anxiety has lessened since I started living with him, but the cheating anxiety has increased. The retroactive jealousy has kinda diminished over the last few months but is still there. The way it manifests is: ruminating about whether he loves me more than he loved the exes he loved, whether our sex is the best he's ever had, whether I'm special and unique in his experience compared to them, wondering if I'm the one he's been most attracted to or if one or more of them was more physically attractive to him.

The cheating anxiety has mostly revolved around his exes too, although recently it did expand a little bit to include a friend and previously got triggered by a former co-worker.

These two feelings have caused me a lot of pain and anguish, and at their worst, they make me want to be single for life, just so I no longer have to feel this way. But I love him too much to leave now, and even if I did, he would remain in my life forever because of the kid. ​​I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I don't really want to leave, but I am so tired of feeling all this fear and sadness. I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this long term. I cry about it sometimes, and otherwise, I spend a lot of time mentally and emotionally consumed by it. He's somewhat aware, but I hide most of these thoughts and feelings from him.

He's a very monogamous person. He's been cheated on before more than once and has his own anxiety about me doing it. He's never given any indication that he's still hung up on any ex and has refused to compare me to them when I asked. Still, I feel this way.

When I was single, especially when I wasn't interested in anyone, I was confident. I never wondered what other people thought of me. I never imagined I would be a jealous partner. Especially in my early 30s, I liked myself. It was easy for me to list my positive qualities. I never compared myself to other women in a negative way. Now, here I am, feeling like this.

I already know I need to go back to therapy, even if it doesn't change anything. What else do you have to say to me? ​​

I'm only 24+4. I've gained 18 lbs and have a belly now, but it's small.

I use the leg press machine where you're upright at a 90 degree angle, not the one where you load plates and sit with your back almost on the ground. Tonight, it made me feel a tightness in my lower belly. Doesn't seem to relate to the amount of weight or the foot position. I was high and narrow, and low and wide at different weights 40+ lbs apart, and both seemed to trigger the discomfort.

Is it really time to hang this one up already? ​

I'm not asking about how to accept permanent singlehood, although you could certainly answer from that perspective.

I'm asking: if you had a fantasy of the ideal romantic love, whether influenced by media or not, and it seems like it isn't actually realistic regardless of who you're with..... how do you accept that? How do you accept that even a supposedly good romantic relationship is never going to be as profound or romantic or spiritual as you imagined the ultimate one to be?

And when did you start postpartum?

I've always known I wanted to do birth unmedicated, and I really wanted to birth at home with a midwife.

But this time around, I have no choice but to go the hospital route because of money. I'm not thrilled, but it is what it is.

What can I do to make sure that I have an unmedicated birth with no unnecessary interventions in the hospital setting? ​

Before I start: I am well-aware this facet of my personality is partially the result of childhood bullshit..... I got therapy under my belt.

I'm a woman who cooks most of my meals and really likes a clean, tidy, organized home. I've also always wanted to be financially independent and successful; not a single cell in my body has ever dreamed of depending on a wealthy sexual partner for survival or comfort. Even if I was coupled to someone making 500k, a million a year, I would want my own income, go after a high income, and not want my partner to buy me anything beyond birthday and Christmas gifts or the odd vacation. I was single most of my adult life, until over a year ago, but during those years, I got used to doing all the domestic labor while living with my mother or my sister. Now, I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning living with my male partner, just as I did when I lived alone.

I'm pregnant with my first child, anticipating all the work that's gonna get dumped on my plate on top of everything I already do, and it's making me reflect. On the one hand, I see all the mothers online who exemplify why you need help and support, especially from a partner, when you have a baby, if you want to have a life and retain your sanity. I worry that my partner won't help me enough. I think about the disadvantage I'm at compared to other women because my mother's dead. On the other hand, part of me thinks​: I bet I can do most of this new work myself, if I have to, and succeed.

On a broader note: even though I have the odd thought that it would be nice to do less, to relax more, to get help..... I'm really not used to being helped, and instead of feeling relief when I receive help, I typically feel some other uncomfortable emotion that I'm not sure I can place.

I take pride in my independence, my discipline, my drive, my self-succifiency. Doing things myself and making my own money give me confidence and a feeling of power and control over my life. I like feeling competent. Capable. Autonomous. Accomplished.

I hate feeling dependent on others. That, to me, is weak, vulnerable, powerless. ​I don't like feeling indebted to people or burdensome either. Or incapable of handling things.

Any other women here get me?

When the youngest starts school? Later?

1. What prep do you recommend? Books, courses, methods, physical prep, etc.

2. How did it feel physically, mentally, and emotionally?

3. What was the pain like, in terms of intensity and how it progressed?

4. What positions felt best to you?

5. Did you have any physical symptoms besides pain during labor and birth? Vomiting, nausea, shaking, chills, anything else?

I've only had one sexual partner, my current one, and I spent over a decade as a young woman IDing as asexual, then transitioning to "not asexual but still want only nonsexual romance" before falling in love with my boyfriend.

That whole time, I had an active libido and masturbated. I just didn't want sex with other people.

Now that I'm having sex, I find that I don't care if I orgasm every time. There are even days when I'm not in the mood to orgasm. In the mood for sex! But not orgasm. I wonder if there are any women who feel the same.

There is a lot of talk about how female sexual pleasure matters, how important it is, how it's equally as important as male sexual pleasure in a straight dynamic, etc. I don't disagree. And I've told straight women all my life to stop having sex with men who don't make them orgasm, stop faking it, etc.

But when it comes to myself, orgasm isn't important enough to me that I want one out of every sexual encounter with my partner. He can make me orgasm multiple times in a row and usually does, when I get off. And it's good but not tremendously better than when I masturbate. ​So far, it's also purely physical for me.

Pleasuring him, however, is psychologically and emotionally satisfying to me in ways that my own orgasm isn't. And that payoff is a way bigger motivator for me to pursue sex with him than my own orgasm. I can get myself off whenever, and I have 25 years of experience doing so. The way it feels to get him off is something I can't give myself. ​Sometimes, I just want to get him off and be done. Those times, I don't walk away disappointed that I didn't get to orgasm.

I don't believe this is because I have internalized views about my female sexual pleasure being insignificant or less important than a partner's. But feel free to disagree.

I'm a copywriter with 7+ years of marketing experience. Got laid off in October 2023. I've sent out close to 3000 applications since then, mostly for remote jobs but also for local on-site and hybrid. I've redone my resume several times, with and without AI help. Updated my LinkedIn more than once. I've started looking at freelance gigs on Upwork but that's probably only a short term solution, if I can get anything there.

Now I'm pregnant. I do not want to be a SAHM, and it's also not financially feasible.

I can't think of any other line of work I want to do that pays well, and I haven't done anything but marketing writing in almost a decade. I know I could do well at other things, but I don't even know what I would consider because I don't have direct experience or interest in other types of work. Applying to entry level jobs of a different career path doesn't seem like a promising option in this market anyway.

I keep applying for jobs on LinkedIn, Indeed, and ZipRecruiter. I literally check these sites multiple times a day and have been throughout this 2.5 year period.

What should I do?

36F. I spent years being sure I didn't want kids. Then, I fell in love with my boyfriend and changed my mind before we even got together romantically (we were friends first). I never lost sight of the cost of having children, even once I started thinking about doing it with him; I didn't swing all the way to the other end of the spectrum and lose all concerns. Apart from him, I wouldn't do it, and I could be perfectly happy without kids.

Well, I'm 20 weeks pregnant. We had talked about marriage and children before this happened but didn't plan on it now. I had been thinking: best case scenario, we get married within the year or early next, then get pregnant late next year.

Early first trimester, I was scared of miscarrying, but I've also been anguishing for weeks now about what this is going to do to my life.

I've been looking for a job for 2.5 years. I don't want to be financially dependent on my boyfriend ever. I don't want to be a SAHM. I don't want to give up looking for a job amd resigning to my career being over now. I'm also terrified of losing all my hobbies overnight. ​I'm in the gym 4-5 days a week and train martial arts 4 days a week (used to be 5). These are huge parts of my life, regulating of my mental health, vital to my physical health too. I was at the dojo earlier tonight and feeling relief from anxiety I had felt on the drive over, just being there and training, then thought about losing it again because of the baby and had to hold back tears. I'm a creative writer who wants to get back to writing again and working toward career goals in that vein, and I'm afraid that I won't have time or energy for that either.

I'm so scared that I'm not going find a source of income before the baby arrives and then, unable to pay for childcare, be trapped at home all day every day with nothing to my life except caretaking and domestic labor. I'm scared of how depressed that would make me, what it would do to my body, and how both of those consequences would wreck my romantic relationship. I'm scared of losing both who I am and who I want to be and ending up with nothing--no career, no money, no hobbies, no self, no health, no body confidence, no friends.....

Some of the posts in this sub have only scared me more.

Please don't tell me that once the baby arrives, I won't care about anything else in life or myself. I've had women in mom subs say that to me, and it's not comforting at all.

Have I ruined my life? Am I going to end up in the regretful parents camp?

I am NOT a morning person. I realize I may be forced to wake up early once the baby is here, but I don't see myself ever being a 5-6 am gym goer.

If you work out after 5 pm, how do you do it and how many days a week?

I'm 20w+2 with my first. I've been unemployed for 2.5 years and hunting hard since long before I got pregnant. I'm looking primarily for a remote, full time position but also open to remote part time, remote freelance, and hybrid/in person short term work.

I really don't want to give up, be a SAHM and financially dependent on my partner. Some people around me seem to think that's what I should do now, until some nonspecified time after the baby comes. Aside from the fact that it isn't financially tenable, that scenario fills me with anxiety, dread, and despair. ​I was already stressed out to the max before I got pregnant about finances and the job search, and since getting pregnant, I've been the most stressed I've ever been in my life.

Any advice and encouragement is welcome. ​

Does it hurt constantly or intermittently? Burning or throbbing pain? Affected or unaffected by movement?

I'm 19+2. Still weightlifting as heavy as I was pre pregnancy 4x a week, sometimes 5. So my actual strength is clearly unaffected, for the most part.

But looking at my arms and shoulders lately, I think there's less definition?

Am I not eating enough and losing muscle as a result?

How do I stop this? Better yet, can I actually put on muscle while pregnant?

Is it all in the abdomen and/or back? Do you feel anything inside your vagina or in your vulva? Is there pain internally where the cervix is or is contraction pain all uterine/muscular?

Is having a strong core pre-pregnancy enough? Is doing deep core exercises during pregnancy the way?