r/WLW

I just can’t. Life has been heavy without her, and it’s gotten worse since I suspected she’s been putting herself out there again, but lying to me about it. I know it’s been months, but it’s as painful as the first day. Even more painful knowing I was in denial for the first half of the breakup, and she might’ve been cheating on me right before ending things. Time isn’t healing, it’s making things worse. The pain settles deeper into me everyday. I don’t know her or what I want in life anymore. I’m empty.
Is anyone else struggling? Or just suffering in general?
I feel so much with nowhere to go.

My partner and I used to be sexually active and for the past year things have changed. We dont really do it as much anymore, usually once a month if lucky HAHAHA. Whenever i ask she would tell me she's not in the mood or that she's sleepy. I understand that but then she'd go and simp for gl actresses or other wlw fictional characters. I personally dont have a problem with those kinds of things coz i like them too but sometimes i feel like im not enough for her. I remember a time when i tried to look pretty for her and was trying to get her attention but she was so hooked on a gl drama's sex scene, i felt soooo ignored.

Now you might tell me to bring this up to her and have a conversation, I HAVE so many times before. At one of those instances she said she might be asexual and another is that she has problems and is depressed at the moment so she's not in the mood for it at most times. I feel like an asshole coz those reasons are valid, but aren't my frustrations valid too?

Since she said that she might be asexual, i asked her if doing it with me feels like a chore or something she had to do, not something that she wants, she said yes. Sex felt weird after that. I end up thinking she only did it coz i asked and not coz she wants me.

There was a time where i had distanced myself a bit which was hard coz we live in the same small apt. I learned that i can cope by taking my sexual frustrations out through 🌽. I cant really fantasize of things with her coz my mind would think that she wouldn't choose to do it with me or that she doesnt really want it. 🌽 feels like cheating but i was able to hide my unsatisfaction through it since i can act like things are okay and i dont ask her as much anymore. She also told me she doesnt mind if i watch so there's that.

I have already accepted that this might be permanent in our relationship and tbh i kinda want out. We have been together for years and she'll be graduating soon. Im worried that a break up might hinder her acads, thats totally on me. She has nowhere to go too if she leaves (i own the apt). I dont know if writing here is the best course of action but i dont have friends to talk about it either.

Hey everyone, my friend and I have started a new sub for lesbians called r/shetheysupergay.

Our idea is to create a cozy and low-angst safe space for lesbian women (cis and trans) to share, discuss, and celebrate our lives.

We would like to build a community that centres womanhood, so non-women participation is not welcome.

Additionally, we are not seeking to replace other subs for lesbians, but rather exist as a corner of Reddit where we can come to chill and relax away from issues that agitate us too much. While venting, complaining, and seeking validation are all valid activities to partake in, we are hoping our new sub can offer a refuge away from those kinds of interactions.

So we hope you can come on over and make yourselves comfortable. We invite posts on anything you think the community would find interesting, helpful, or inspiring. These could be cool stuff you notice on your way to work, your latest art project, your new yoga routine, yummy recipes, your favourite book or TV show, and whatever else brings a smile to your face.

See you there!

Edit: enby people have been removed from the text as it is causing much too many issues to try to word it inclusively, unfortunately. It’s a cozy chill space we want to create.

I’m trying to get some outside perspective because I’ve been bothered by a few things a friend has done and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.

For context, she’s always been kind of eccentric/class-clown energy. She jokes around a lot and pulls random pranks on the group chat, so being playful and messing with people isn’t unusual for her.

A few months ago, two people in our friend group “started dating,” but it was actually a prank that everyone except me was in on. It went on for about two months and there were fake screenshots and other details that made me genuinely believe it. She had previously pulled a more harmless prank on me, and afterward I told her I don’t like jokes where it feels like everyone is laughing at me or at my expense.

She said she genuinely thought I would find this one funny. Eventually she revealed it was a prank in front of everyone, including my girlfriend, who also thought it was real, and I felt embarrassed. When I told her afterward that it bothered me, she apologized but also said I wasn’t there when they came up with it.

The other thing is how she’s been acting around my girlfriend. We’re all women who are into women, but I’ve never really seen her act this way toward anyone else before.

Once, while I was hanging out with my girlfriend and another friend at coffee, she asked my girlfriend, who was sitting across the table, “Who’s funnier, me or [my name]?”

At a picnic, she jokingly yelled at my girlfriend to “leave this bitch” referring to me. Another friend actually stepped in and said something like, “Let’s be respectful.” She later said I wasn't be confrontational because I think she wanted me to banter back.

Then at a bar, my girlfriend called her over because it was loud and asked her to help with her shirt. While helping her, my friend got extremely close to my girlfriend’s face, and my girlfriend actually moved her head backward because of how close she was.

I’ve talked to my friend about these things, and she has apologized. She also told me she feels like our friendship changed after I got a girlfriend, which I understand to some extent. I’ve still tried to show up to group hangouts, sometimes even bringing my girlfriend, but lately the energy just feels really off to me.

I’m not saying she’s attracted to my girlfriend or intentionally trying to disrespect me. I genuinely don’t know. It’s just that the prank was already something I struggled with, and then these interactions with my girlfriend are things I hadn’t seen from her before.

Would you be bothered by this too, or does this sound like normal friend banter that I’m taking too

Recently, I went on a date with this girl. We’d been talking for about a week before then and I was honestly really feeling her so I was super excited. So boom, we went to a restaurant and a few other places and I thought we had a really good time and apparently she did too and was excited to see me again. We were making plans to go out again a week from then but as the date approached, her interest in me seemed to dwindle and ultimately we didn’t end up going. I’m not one of those people that expects or wants hourly responses or to talk all day, but it did sting a little once they slowed down and went from super expressive to incredibly dry. I don’t know why but I’m really struggling to get over it and I really just want to know what happened or if i did something to ick her out/make her uncomfortable. I was really interested in getting to know her further and it really seemed like she reciprocated 💔💔. Should I also text and ask what I did or should I just leave the situation as is?

Whenever I have a crush or an interest peaked in a particular character or actress and I go down the rabbit hole of that actress that plays a lesbian and I find out that she’s either straight or bi and has a man I feel…disappointed?

Obviously straight people can play queer characters and their characters are separate from them as human beings, I’m not going to be parasocial with someone. But I think this comes from the excitement of finding a decent wlw character and wanting more exclusively wlw actresses and them to play more wlw roles cause there’s just so little out there that’s of good quality in my opinion.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding like something, I really don’t mean this in a bad way, and I know this is such a nonissue but it’s just my thoughts. I think I just crave more and better wlw media and wlw to get their chance to be as popular as some straight couples or romances.

I completely forgot one of my own rules. When somone tells you who they are, believe them. Listen to them. I didn't listen that day she said "I'm worried that I'm going to hurt you." I thought that she needed some kind of reassurance... people who say that to you don't want reassurance. They're warning you of what's going to most likely happen so that in the end when you're hurt, they can say "well i did warn you, didn't I?"

I thought we were falling for each other... which is humiliating to think. Because in the end she told me that I none of what I thought she felt for me was real and I was just some kind of irritation to her. That's what I'm struggling with the most i think. I knew she was distant but on the multiple times i asked her if her feelings had changed she just said that she was busy and that her feelings hadn't changed at all. And i believed her. But she told me it was a lie every time. She wanted me to trust so quickly too and when I think about it it just makes me feel so sick. It wasnt building trust on my terms or naturally, it felt manufactured. She said and did all the right things.

She's a closeted Muslim so I needed to know that there was never any chance of us being anything... while she spoke to me like i was the only thing that mattered to her sometimes. But wait, this other person who was there. She might was a relationship with them... And also she had just realised that day that she only "saw me as a friend..." But no... because she said multiple times that over time she was getting irritated and snappy with me and only saw me as a friend. But was happy for us to be sexual and fall asleep every night on the phone call me baby and my love and wake me up and ruin my sleep every night because she was too horny to control herself. Was I just a friend or what? Was any of it fucking real? Everything is a contradiction. All bullshit. Playing in my fucking face.

And in the end, I sit here wondering why I am so unlovable. What is so wrong with me... Why does it go this way every time?

I know there’s a lot of the complete opposite in sapphic circles with a lot of women idealizing women and acting like they’re perfect angels but lately I’ve been seeing waaaayyy too many people hating on wlw relationships acting like they’re always toxic and awful.

There needs to be some middle ground like yes wlw relationships can have issues and they aren’t always a walk in the park but they aren’t inherently worse than straight ones contrary to what I’ve seen people say.

The jokes about dating women being so awful and how being with men is so much easier because women are emotionally volatile are exhausting and honestly misogynistic. I’ve even seen sapphic women bringing up those stupid DV and divorce statistics to shit on their own fellow lesbians and bi women! What is up with that??

It’s all getting so old and atp anyone doing this is just encouraging homophobes to keep acting like lesbian relationships are all doomed and messy.

i love my girlfriend more than anything, and i have no doubt that she loves me too. which is what makes the fact that our relationship makes me so sad, even more devastating.

every time we try to communicate about this stuff, it creates an argument or some kind of guilt-loop (we both struggle with major anxiety and very high personal guilt). but, recently, it’s been triggering the conversation of “i can’t be your girlfriend then. i want you more than anything, but i feel like i am losing myself and i can’t give enough to you” (from her side. not mine) when i tell her to leave because i don’t want this to hurt her, she tells me she would never because she loves me.

so i guess im honestly a little scared to bring this up to her, because that conversation honestly kills me every time, and i also don’t want to upset her anymore.

my main issues that i’ve been dealing with over the last 9mo are mostly:

•she tends to give a lot of attention to her friends over me. (don’t get me wrong. i am NOT trying to control her. i absolutely want her to spend time with her friends). it just sometimes feels like they get her undivided attention at times, and i never do. or like they are a priority over me (which, in some scenarios, is FINE. good, even. but i don’t feel like i am ever the priority)

•we rarely see each other as is, we don’t call during the day, only in the mornings and nights, and when we do, she falls asleep. it starts to honestly get a little devastating after some time.

•i feel like i am always taking care of her, but i have to ask her to take care of me when i need it. she always says yes and then moves on 5 minutes later

•during any sort of sex, she gets priority and i always end up feeling discarded and like an afterthought afterwards. i brought this up to her, and she landed on not having sex anymore.

i honestly just want to know how i can handle this. she has a lot going on, and i feel like anything i bring up will destroy her. i love and respect her so much, and i just want to talk to her about these things so we can fix it and move on. but we’ve gotten to the point where my own cup is so empty, and i want so badly to give more to her, but i don’t think i physically can. advice??

also i am absolutely taking critiques— if there’s even a possibility that this is something im doing and that i need to work out, i would love to know. i just want my relationship to be okay

Usually in past relationships we rushed it a lot and it ended up really badly so I’m learning to take things slow and honestly feels better.

Me and my gf are only 3 days in and I genuinely don’t feel like saying it obviously I know a lot of people that say it on day 1 and I understand that but I feel like I have to wait for it naturally to come but I wanna know y’all’s stories!

Hello, I am trying to contemplate whether I should send a message to someone or if it makes me seem too *waves hands*. For some insight, this woman and I had a shared pinterest board that was basically us saving artistic photos of interior design, whimsical photos of sunlight on water, baby deer, dramatically lit images of the moon, and lots of vibrant hues of the blue/green variety mixed with dark burgundies.

My history with this woman is that we kissed twice, and we got play engagement rings at the crystal store and called each other fiancée (not for a long time, fleetingly and playfully). We did not date, and we had one sleepover (not sexual we just had red wine and watched a movie and got coffee in the morning (and got our play engagement rings)), but we had a 'falling out'... it was not really a falling out she was just friends with a guy I didn't like and he was causing problems in my friend group but I didn't want to get into that with her because it wasn't even my primary drama.

Anyways, she stopped adding to the board about a year ago. Also, a year ago I went to the UK for grad school, so we have not seen each other in person in two years. As I am typing this out I am coming to conclusions, but I love beating a dead horse. Continuing on, I deleted the board in March-ish of this year and her number (but i didn't block her number or unfollow her on instagram). She posted on her instagram story that she was in the country I went to grad school in, and of course, I slid up and said omg are you in xyz? and she responded yes, and she said

'thinking of you so much. not kidding'

And as you can tell by this years-long mental affair between my delusions and my inaction, I have been sent spiralling. Now to the part where I ask if it looks desperate...

Does it look desperate or like I am thinking too much about her if I message her on instagram and tell her that I am sorry that I deleted our pinterest board because I was in my feelings? They weren't negative feelings towards her, but I just felt sorry for myself that I kept thinking about her. She wasn't thinking about me, but with her instagram message, I am thinking maybe I was catastrophising, and I should have just told her how I felt.

So Im freshlyish out, I have been talking to someone for a bit now and recently she brought up my hair. Sometimes smooth , sometimes it is what it is. I’m a MOTHERRRR to 2 special needs children so sometime I just don’t have the energy or care.
Anyways the point is she brought up sugaring/waxing and even offered to do it herself but I’m scared ! Has your partner done this for you ? Am I overthinking this now? I’ve never in previous relationships had someone bring it up…

So to explain the question, a few weeks ago I went to a rave with my friend. There was a girl who was slightly nudging me trying to dance with me. She wasn’t really my type and I also just felt like enjoying the night with my friend, so I declined the dance. She got mad and went to this other girl (who I assume was also wlw) and said to her “Isn’t she gay?” pointing at me. The other girl scanned me for a few seconds and then said “She’s a bi girl,” then the girl who tried dancing with me said “Ohhh” as if that explains why I didn’t want to dance somehow. Idk, I’m still confused on what that “Ohhh” could mean.

Basically, I’ve just been really curious on how she knew I was bi specifically. Like I think I know some stereotypical ways someone could point out a lesbian, but how does someone point out a bi girl? What features or characteristics do they typically have?

I made a post here a few days ago about how nervous I was to lose my Girl Virginity. Well, I did and it was fuckin awesome. Big shout out to gay sex 10/10 would do again. I've always known I was bisexual but had an internal fear that I was somehow lying to myself about liking women. I know no one has to have sex to "prove" their sexuality but I feel really validated that I finally did. That little voice telling me I was faking it is gone now and I feel way more confident about talking to women 😁

Me (18) and my gf (19) are together for a little over 2 years, and our intimacy has always been regularly and good.
But the last couple of weeks I noticed that we do it a lot more often and I was wondering what things y’all like if your bed partner does. (Foreplay and during ofcorse) so that I have a few new thing up my sleeve to try.
Thanks!

Kinda numb rn tbh. I wasn't on my phone for a few hours because I was making dinner and spending time with family and I come back and she's left me this long paragraph explaining that she wasn't in love with me and she'd realized a few WEEKS ago that she was straight. I knew she liked guys and I knew she'd been with some before (we were bestfriends before we dated) but she always said she didn't think she'd ever marry one. She thought she'd marry me. She said that all the time and talked about our future in such detail I really believed it. I've always been very independent and self sabotaging so I never thought marriage was something I wanted, until I met her and she was the only person I'd ever consider sharing my space with. I just don't get it. For weeks. She knew for weeks and didn't tell me because she "hoped it would go away." Have she had told me maybe it could've ended more mutually but no it was just a text. She was too teary over the phone, but I was too. She said she felt so much guilt and I said she should! She waited for so long! She made me look stupid! Everytime she said I love you and talked about our future so preciously, she was lying. I am so in love with this woman. I don't see myself ever getting married, which doesn't concern me too much but it does when I realize it couldve been her. I'm always very strong on self respect and knowing what I deserve and that's a huge part of who i am but tbh, I'd be anyone if it meant I could be with her. She asked if we could still be friends and I want to because I love her but I don't know how I can look at her and not think of what we were. She kissed me. My sexuality is always something I struggled to accept but in being with her I came to accept that i didn't care what people thought because atleast I was loved by her. And she kissed me. And I feel like it meant nothing. All these things she said meant nothing. I just keep thinking there was someone else. Surely someone pops in your head when you're questioning your entire sexuality, no?

Idk. Just feeling the need to talk about it. I feel so lost. Sorry if this is scatterbrained. Any advice?

So... I thought she was younger initially. She's older than me by 7 years (early-mid twenties and early thirties). Appears to have a stable adult life while I am actually behind on finishing undergrad... I see her repeatedly at a meetup and I am asking before making any movement toward her if anyone has been in a situation like this and if the outcome was non-interest (my expectation :/ ). I honestly am attracted to people pretty infrequently and really was hoping for my love life to be something that exists outside my head this year... some kind advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

What’s your opinion on long distance relationships?

Do you think that after sometimes of seeing each other in different countries, there is a possibility for you guys to live somewhere together permanently?

Or is it just too stressful and not worth it at all?
Knowing that you can’t hug, kiss, talk to your partner face-to-face, hold hands, and overall have that general physical connection.
( I’m not talking about anything sexual )

Us lesbians often fall into long distance relationships, and what’s your experience with them?

Do you think it’s not worth it? Or is it only worth it when the person really likes you and is committed?

This is only one page out of a 2½-page letter my girlfriend wrote me. It’s an old letter, but it’s always bothered me because it perfectly encapsulates a communication pattern that still happens today.
Back when she gave me this letter, I wasn’t very good at speaking up for myself, so I never said anything. Now I do tell her when something hurts me, but she still says things like this.

Here’s the page (transcribed):

“As you know, my past relationships have only taught me things about myself. Getting dumped for men three times in a row does hurt you exponentially. I came into senior year dreading not only college but feeling alone romantically. Not sure if I’ve ever told you this, but before you and i started dating, i was talking with a girl and she led me on for a little while and was borderline flirting with me. I believed that she was the one and, as it usually goes, she was in a relationship with another girl already. I’ll never forget the feelings I felt that day. The truth: anger, sadness, and biggest of all, jealousy. I was jealous of their love and the fact that it seemed like they’d found a person except for me. I’ve always held a sense of being unloved, but this was more of a breaking point for me than anything. That’s when you entered my life. I’d always wanted to be friends with you because of our similar interests and our shared love for MCR, but I’m shy and, of course, intimidated. Fast forward a couple of years and I saw you again. I thought you became even cooler. It wasn’t your looks that drew me in (even though that’s a huge factor), but your kindness…” then onward blah blah blah to next page that was somewhat better

My issue isn’t that she had feelings for someone before me. I know everyone has a past.
What bothers me is how much emphasis is placed on another girl, how devastated she was over her, how that was her “breaking point,” and then immediately transitioning into “That’s when you entered my life.” It makes me feel like I was the person who happened to come along after she got hurt rather than someone she specifically wanted. It feels less like “I fell for you because of who you are” and more like “I was heartbroken, and then you showed up.”

I believe ignorance is bliss and would rather not know any details. yet even 1 year and a half later she still talks this way.

The reason this old letter still bothers me is because this kind of wording hasn’t really stopped. I’ve brought it up over the course of our relationship and I’m much better now at speaking up for myself than I was back then, and shutting the convo down whenever she does this. but she still says things that make me feel like I’m hearing more about how hurt she was by other people than about why she chose me. This was back when she was graduating and starting college soon. Now, I, one year younger have graduated and am starting soon. sigh i’m just over it

I want a suit so badly. I’ve wanted one for years now but held myself back from buying one. I wish people understood that clothes have no gender! Yes I’m fem, yes I love skirts and dresses, but I love the look of a suit.

I got invited to a wedding and I feel like it’s the perfect time to get one. I know I’ll feel comfortable in one but I’m afraid someone will make me feel weird about it.

Do you guys think I should go for it? Or play it safe with a dress for the wedding and wait to buy a suit?