u/Crazy_Parfait_6005

I just can’t. Life has been heavy without her, and it’s gotten worse since I suspected she’s been putting herself out there again, but lying to me about it. I know it’s been months, but it’s as painful as the first day. Even more painful knowing I was in denial for the first half of the breakup, and she might’ve been cheating on me right before ending things. Time isn’t healing, it’s making things worse. The pain settles deeper into me everyday. I don’t know her or what I want in life anymore. I’m empty.
Is anyone else struggling? Or just suffering in general?
I feel so much with nowhere to go.

I got broken up with 2 months ago, and I was stupid enough to believe she would come back. She would randomly chat with me, flirt, and feed into that idea post-breakup, which is why I held onto it in the first place. I pushed her away when I could tell she was using me. Now, she explicitly told me never to contact her again after 3 weeks of silence. I tried opening up to her about my feelings last night as an attempt to closure for the both of us, but she just blew me off, saying she had more important things to do and that she doesn't care. Not like it was much different when we were dating anyway. Those last few months, I begged her for the smallest amount of emotional availability. I don't know what made her become so numb. I've tried asking and comforting her, but it's always met with "I don't know and I don't care." Her inability to be vulnerable bled into my ability to be vulnerable too. She couldn't handle her own feelings, so how could she ever listen to mine?
But it's strange. She used to be so soft and loving, always giving me advice and comfort. She said things that evoked feelings in me that no one else could. She cared, she listened, and she remembered. That girl no longer exists.
I asked her one last time how she *really* was. She told me she doesn't care about anything and doesn't feel anything. She said she hasnt cried once about anything. Not even us. But ive cried so much im surprised i still have tears left.
Although she claims that a way she's coping is by "feeling her feelings" how can she do that when she seems so numb? I don't know. But this has ruined my life. I can't get up. I can't do the things I enjoy anymore. My whole phone is still full of pictures of her, and my family keeps asking about her. She’s a part of me I can't let go. I wish I hadn't let her consume me. I wish I had met her when I was okay. But I got too attached and let myself go, thinking it meant I loved her the most.

I was in a relationship for 2 years. She broke up with me twice, once the first time to then changing her mind to staying with me and then broke up with me again as soon as she woke up to tell me she’s focused on spirituality and “self love.” Okay. We texted like nothing happened for a few weeks after that and she kept feeding into my texts and making it seem like we were still together. I just told her one day, “I’m blocking you on everything because you speak to me like everything’s alright but I’m suffering since you left.” She got defensive and said “what’s so wrong with talking to a person normally” and I told her it wasn’t an argument and to “spare me.” I was so upset. The only reason I unblocked her is because I was still logged into her Instagram and she was liking all sorts of posts about moving on and wanting a new partner and friends. She even liked thirst traps of other people. God just shoot me. I asked her about these posts and she refused to acknowledge that there was anything wrong with them and that she was innocent and that she “doesn’t care about love but likes thinking about it.” She was mad at me. I was mad at her. I didn’t block her though, and I tried making her let me back into her account since she logged me out but NOW she says “nooo we’re broken up you’re not allowed into it!” But I was in it during when we were broken up?? Okay whatever once again. After that she kept flirting with me and even tried initiating phone sex. I said no and told her to stop. She then asked “what are we” on a 2 min phone call, to which I said “idk you’re the one who left” and she said “well I don’t want a relationship” and I said ok so leave and she said “but” and I said “you don’t care anymore” and she was like “yes I do!!!” And I said “well I don’t” and then she said ok I don’t either and left. It’s been this fucking cycle for weeks and I am trying to convince myself that I’m officially done with it. Kill me now

I’m F19, and it’s been hard to make friends, especially with other lesbians. I used to have a lot, even if they were only online, but I’ve lost everyone in my life. I’m also going through a breakup, and it just feels like this life I’m supposed to be living isn’t meant for me. Ever since I graduated, it’s also been a pain in the ass to get a job.
I try to go on chatting websites, but good god, it’s filled with fucking weirdos and creepy ass men, desperate enough to catfish too. Is anyone else struggling too? If anyone wants to be friends, just send me a message. I would love to talk, and it can be about anything.