Help, does anyone else fear how unfair and uncertain pregnancy/motherhood can be?
Up until two years ago, I'd always been convinced that having children, or more so becoming a mother, was not meant to be a chapter in my book of life. Don't get me wrong, I love children, and for as long as I can remember I've had this natural protective instinct kick in whenever there was a baby or a child around me, but I just never really saw myself being a mom.
My mother used to joke that even though I didn't want kids, I'd be a great mom. But every time I pictured myself in that role it felt so alien to me.
Even though my parents turned out to be great people (after quite a bit of therapy and conversations), and I'm very grateful for them now, it wasn't always like that. Both of them came from unhealthy families, and their childhood influenced how they approached their way of parenting. I grew up with an emotionally unstable mother, and an emotionally absent father. My fears of making the same mistake, as well as the general huge responsibility I'd have with raising another human being in a chaotic world solidified my decision to not have children.
But I suppose I grew up: I met a great man who is amazing, reliable and we're planning a stable future together. Nearing our 30's, our friends are growing up too, and some of them are becoming parents of these incredible tiny humans that look way too much like them and call us auntie and uncle. Somewhere along the way I started becoming more open to the idea of becoming a parent myself.
Or perhaps I just started asking myself the hard questions again with a partner in mind, a possible vision (and maybe some vague societal expectation?) of a bigger family than just two.
After many in depth conversations, my partner and I settled on the uncertainty of it all. Whether our life welcomes a child in it or not, he was okay with it. I remained on the fence, the stability of keeping my life as it is seems so much more safe, but the possibility of a child doesn't make me run for the hills either.
Yet there are so many fears in my head still. It's so easy for him to 'want' a child, when fatherhood (and perhaps more so pregnancy) is so much less violent to the body and bears so much less weight from society.
I'm already tired of messing with my hormones to find the right type of birth control that doesn't make me borderline insane. Even something as 'simple' as birth control is my cross to bear unless we only use condoms — until it breaks or slips off I still have to take plan B which feels like the equivalent of sending a nuke straight into my body.
How is pregnancy going to be any different? Let alone giving birth, postpartum, the first sleepless year and the rest of the difficult toddler years?
Is my partner going to be able to get back to work with a healthy, working body, and get his life back almost immediately while I stay at home recovering from the most intense, painful moment of my life? I adore my job, and I plan to take over the company at some point, is there even any room for that whilst being a Good mom?
I know he'll be a great father, as he is a great partner. But I see so many great fathers turn into (for lack of a better word) into lazy fathers because society automatically shifts most expectation onto the mother. I do not want to be the overworked, overlooked mother that gave up her identity for a role she'd envisioned to be different.
I'd hate to be naive and morph into this bad parent, a resentful partner, or fall into a rabbit hole of a thankless life.
How do you even make up your mind about something so huge and life changing, knowing that it's not only your body incredibly impacted by the 'yes', but also the life of an innocent human being who never asked to be brought unto this planet?
Do any of you feel the same?