u/mdizzl3

I was childfree most of my life, then fencesitter. Wanted kids for many of the usual reasons - didn’t see what we’d do for the next 55 years, achieved everything I wanted in life, over clubbing and drinking, wasn’t fulfilled by work or hobbies, friends were having kids and got FOMO, felt life was too comfortable/boring/pointless, everything was monotonous and just work broken up by the odd holiday. Didn’t want them because sensory issues, read endless horror stories about regretting it, hated other people’s kids, love quiet time to myself, love my freedom to read 40 books a year and have 10 hour sleeps.

Got off the fence very slightly, pregnant first try, panicked massively. Genuinely considered abortion in the first trimester, went through many counselling and mental health services. All I’d read was horror stories about drudgery, nightmare children, “you’ll never sleep again”, relationship breakups, and as a risk averse person I couldn’t handle the uncertainty of what was to come. Physically, the pregnancy was pretty textbook and easy, just the last few weeks was physically tough (and nausea and heatwaves). Mentally very hard and anxiety riddled. I made lots of pregnancy friends, more in 6 months than the previous 10 years.

Well….now she’s here! And I absolutely love my life. I literally can’t fathom my old life anymore. I love her so much, I love looking at her little face and all the funny things she does, and feel guilty about how I felt in 1st trimester. And I know it’s very early days, but none of the internet horror stories have come to pass. We do mostly formula, so me and husband split the nights into 5h shifts. On a good night we get 7-8 hours each, on a bad night 4-5, but there is no day I’ve been a zombie apart from the night in hospital in a shared ward, and night 3 when I was stressed over relatives staying with us and slept 2 hours. She sleeps 3 hour chunks and my husband has been going to the gym regularly, we’ve been out with her loads for brunch, our house is clean and tidy, and I’ve been making my way through Desperate Housewives 😊

I was worried about the baby crying aggravating my sensory issues….she doesn’t really cry unless we’re late to feed her, and actually holding her calms me down so much whereas nothing used to before. And her crying is sad but not in that rage-inducing random kid in a supermarket way, just sad because I want to fix it.

Thought having a baby would be drudgery/monotony - it would be if it was someone else’s baby, but with mine, changing nappies and feeding/burping her is a joy. It’s hard work when you don’t like what you’re doing, I’ve enjoyed every single moment with her. In my old life, I’d feel guilty for watching TV all day and not being productive. Now I don’t care because keeping her alive is productive!

I was worried about getting fat in pregnancy….put on 6-7kg and lost it already. Baby was 3.4kg at 38 weeks so very healthy.

Worried other mums would judge me about formula or wanting a c section….no-one cares.

Worried I’d have no time for myself - yes I can’t sit all day long reading or on the internet, but that’s a GOOD thing as I had too much time on my hands before, and at the moment I still have a lot of time - just 2-3 hour chunks.

Worried our relationship would go to shit - it’s stronger than ever as we are a team.

I would caveat this by saying we were in a good financial position, have very good mat/pat leaves, and my husband is 50/50 in everything so far and I knew he would be. And I’m not exclusive breastfeeding, I think that would make things MUCH harder.

If you are someone who gets bored of jobs, hobbies, or projects, having a baby is the best. It’s an ever changing lifelong challenge - just as you have something sussed, they develop and change.

TL/DR - having a kid 5⭐️ would recommend

I am really conflicted about whether to continue breastfeeding. Before she was born I always said I’d do formula, and maybe try breastfeeding and not continue if it was hard or I didn’t enjoy it. Then we said we’d do combi.

But I feel so guilty. She was a c-section baby and they don’t get the good microbiomes. I have 1 inverted nipple she won’t take at all and is painful with a shield, the other is just painful (even with a “good“ latch) and she feeds for ages and ages, falls asleep on the boob barely sucking, then as soon as I take her off is awake and hungry again. I don’t enjoy breastfeeding and don’t find it good bonding, just feel I am chained to the sofa like a cow. I actually have a better bond giving her formula, looking into her eyes and burping her.

Formula is SO easy, she drinks it like a champ, no colic or issues, sleeps 3 hours straight away and is generally a really happy baby we can enjoy. I am really enjoying postpartum with formula. My husband can do half the feeds and half the night shifts, he has 14 weeks pat leave, we have both had great sleeps so far, it’s just so convenient. But I feel so guilty for basically giving her UPF, considering I don’t eat any UPF myself, just because it’s more convenient for me.

I also feel mega uncomfortable breastfeeding in public, and being the sole feeder. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it in cafes and don’t know how I will leave the house having to get my boob out, I find breastfeeding very private and even with a cover-up would feel awkward doing it. Whereas formula me or husband can take her out and easily feed her. I know people say “fed is best” but we all know that’s not true and that’s a consolation to people that have given up.

I think currently my supply is shit as we are combi feeding. I know I could put in the effort now and sit for hours cluster feeding to get my supply up but I don’t want to, and feel so guilty. Am I just selfish for wanting an easier life?