Am I really considering parenthood after 10+ years leaning the other way?
Looking for advice/reflections/alternative perspectives.
My boyfriend (34M) and I (32F) have been together nearly 4 years. At the start of our relationship, I told him I was pretty uncertain on children, and that it was the reason my previous relationship had ended, as the previous partner absolutely knew they wanted to be a parent. Since my early 20s I've been fairly vocal about not wanting children, largely because I grew up in a household with traditional gender roles (and a bitter, resentful mother who definitely overshared with me). However, I realise I've not really examined in depth this topic beyond seeing family/children as a burden which falls disproportionately on the woman.
My boyfriend said when we met that he was a fence sitter too, but this year has come to the view that he would like to have a family. After a few months of struggling to discuss this topic (and us both starting individual therapy) we have found a way forward. We've reframed it from 'lets both decide individually what we want and then work out whether we can be together' to, 'if we were to do this, how?' (and the million sub questions that fall under that).
In the past year, I've really come into my own with work, and found a fulfilling career that I love, and has significant stability and flexibility. I've compressed my hours to have a day off for creative hobbies/wellbeing. My partner does not love his work, and is aware that to be a more present / equal parent, he'd need to change it, or we'd end up in a dynamic that I absolutely do not want.
After reframing the discussion, it's been a rollercoaster ride in my head. One day I'm envisioning a future where we move to a more affordable city (which we both love and have discussed) to be able to buy a home with space for a child/children. I've felt excited by this and even caught myself having imaginary conversations with the child (??!!) It's like I've allowed myself to mentally open this door and now my imagination is running wild.
The next day, I'm back in the childfree headspace, loving how we had a long lie in on Sunday and had sex then pottered around the city. How I spent a whole afternoon reading a book and then knitting. I've even thought about what my life could be like should my partner and I break up over this, and I pursue a childfree life alone. I'm lucky enough that I could afford to live alone and give myself a great life. When I think about us potentially breaking up, I don't even think of a future potential partner, I think of being truly solo and focusing on family, friends, community, basically being the fun rich aunty.
For anyone that has gone through this, how did you navigate these swings? What helped you make a decision either way? For women that decided to have children, what qualities or conversations with your partner helped you feel secure that they would be an equal parent?