My partner (F20) tried and failed to break-up with me (M20). Please help me understand what I should do when we talk at the end of the week?
This is my first post so I am sorry if this comes across odd or formatted poorly. I'm doing my best. It's gonna be long because i want to ramble.
TLDR: Partner brought up breaking up and I thought that the reasoning and her actions don't entirely add up with wanting a breakup. We agreed to talk about it again at the end of the week. You can skip the lore and go straight to the dilemma down the bottom. This is a long one.
Preamble
- We had met each other as a hook-up at a society event we're both VERY apart of and it took off from there.
- We have a large shared friend group and know many people in that shared society.
- She has had one semi-long HS relationship before, which gave her some fears around attachement i.e. ex (F) asked for hugs a lot, she eventually came to resent hugs and ex in that capacity. She's also had a few hookups on tinder before my time.
- She has ADHD.
- I have had one 3 month relationship with no sexual relations. My current partner is my first.
Pre-breakup suggestion signs
Before I get into the obvious signs here are some things I was noticing in our relationship. She had stopped trying to actively
A week and a half ago we had our 1 year anniversary. We went out to get food, then walked to 2 different parks. In the first park, being a year in, I decided to bring up longevity. This was seemingly a blunder on my part... I began by discussing how "I am really happy, and if we continued like this then I would be happy for this to last until final moments. And how i prefer to go into relationships thinking I'm going to make this work to the end." To which i believe is a good sentiment. She on the other hand began to ask more questions and not express not thinking of relationships in that way. She believes that "relationships are for experience to find the right person." I wasn't so happy with this and so we got into a debate about beliefs (not yelling or getting angry, just a little solemn). Throughout most of this she was crying and breaking down saying things like "I don't want to hurt you." or "I love you so much." We also both admitted that "We think we've met each other too early." (my meaning that I can tell she wants to explore, and she knowing she wants to explore.) Eventually I started cracking jokes getting her to laugh before moving on as i realised that this was a can of worms neither of us were prepared to deal with in this moment.
to wrap that night up we gave each other our gifts, to which I gave her a bracelet to which i had bought beads, string, chain, and pendant, put it all together. She was super giddy with it and was really thankful as this was the first time I had made something for he in particular (I'm not a super artsy type but i knew she'd like it). She then gave me a collage book with photos printed, lots of art supplies and headers for future ideas i.e. ranking double dates, restaurant rankings, date to X location, etc... So a very future orientated outlook I'd have thought.
(next paragraph might be TMI for some, skip it if you want)
We then went on to freak it that night. Which is a bit of a rarity through our entire relationship as she would only want to do things weekly or fortnightly in some cases. Even though i know she is having a VERY good time whenever we do things like that (you'll have to trust me on that though, after care is on point to). i have my own grievances with how often we do things like that but i digress. It doesn't make me want to breakup with her just a point of contention.
A week passes and she doesn't discuss with me how I'm feeling about any of this nor does she seem keen to discuss the problems at hand... What I do learn is that she does go out that week to comfort a mutual friend who is going through a rough spot atp. (this is not weird in itself and i know him really well so there is nothing happening with that.) BUT she is still caring for other people knowing that I'm suffering.
The Night in Question
Eventually, I decide that I'm going to bring up a few things with her. the issues I'm having. After an event we do weekly I tell her as we're driving back that I've got a couple things I want to bring up. Before I can even get to them as we pull up to her house. She drops the line very sadly and doubtfully.
I am taken aback by her wanting to breakup and ask for reasoning. She gives 2 reasons. That I have become over-bearing and toxic in my request for attention (the first time I've heard of this). She references toxicity as when she comes and cuddles me I say "I'd be happy if you did this more." and if she knows I'm feeling unloved i make a pouty face/ whine to make her feel bad. I think these are valid problems and tell her I'd be happy to work on them to fix this but she should've brought these problems up as they happened in a pattern before breaking up. (She looked surprised/ ashamed that i brought that up and she hadn't done that)
She then says her second reason. "That she want's to experience her twenties." This one hurts like hell. In hindsight, I think this is he main reason, and she has been trying to find reasons to justify this course of action. She had also been meaning to tell me all this for a couple months but "didn't have a good time to do so."
In trying to negotiate this relationship I offer to fix myself and she responded with "I think i'd be annoyed if you succeeded." I asked her a couple times if she has "already clocked out" to which she never made a proper answer. She also referenced a hypothetical, that she feels can't go out to our cities club area because she'd feel guilty leaving me. And that she can't talk to attractive people as she has to remind herself "she already has me." Again she was the one breaking down this entire time and I was comforting her, lightening the mood to keep talking before she'd break down again. Also to note she continued to say, "I love you" and "I dont want to hurt you" before breaking down again a number of times.
In the end I walked her to her door, we gave each other a long hug, then kiss, then did both again then as final remarks to talk to her sister and mum or someone about this as i was scratching her nape which she likes. We then said our goodbyes. With a final saying that she will think about the things which I brought up and we will talk at the end of the week.
Dilemma time - After a LOOONG lore dump (I kinda wanted to rant)
I have not had a proper cry about this as the "proper time" she decided to dump this on me has been when NO ONE is at my house for a week, then my younger sister comes back next week and I have to take care of her for 2 weeks after. + I have THREE ASSIGNMENTS due.
But i have been intellectualising. Or trying to. I have realised that I am not very well respected by her, and I think not appreciated as I'm just so consistently emotionally and intimately available. In saying that, I do really want to make this work. I feel like it's a really rash decision and I dont want her to leave, nor do i think she is fully sure of herself in this decision, but i'm assuming a lot here.
What are people's recommendations for me to bring up or action if I want this relationship to continue. I do genuinely want to put in the effort because I think she is really cool and fun to be around. And to be frank I love her a lot. So I would at least appreciate some advice on this matter.
Otherwise, if you believe we should breakup or it's already low-key happened. of which I'm not entirely opposed to, how do we go about having the discussion for ground rules of us continuing to be in the same friend group and greater shared society. we will be seeing each other for a few hours 3 days a week anyway if we breakup. I would be going no contact on social media and all that as i find that is the best way to get over these things. I'm scared she wouldn't really care about any of this as of 2 weeks later than now if that was the case...