How to forget a 3 year long crush
I've had a crush on this guy for 3 years and I've never stopped liking him. We know each other because of mutual friends and we would always end up in the same places. I wouldn't say he recognizes me as a friend, id say I'm probably just a classmate to him. This year we've gotten especially close to each other because again, lots of mutual friends and we have a lot of classes together. I always get so confused because there's a period of time where we get really close like helping each other with work and just actually talking to each other in person, on social media and over text, but on the other hand there's periods of time where we just don't talk for no reason whatsoever. This cycle has been happening over the last 3 years.
The only reason id want to end these feelings would be because I feel like I'm not his kind of person. Even though we have lots of common interests (we sometimes talk about anime or other geek stuff) he's very witty and funny and he has lots of female friends, as opposed to me who is lowkey really slow with remarks and I only have like 1 guy friend (which further makes me nervous when I do interact with him). We just wouldn't mesh well together. Another reason why I feel this way is because I'm not very attractive, I'm on the shorter and chubby side and I'm not pretty, while he's 6'3 towering over me with actual abs, like its crazy. Id say he's really handsome and lots of other girls probably like him too and are probably currently in his dms or something. He's also had one talking stage that I've known about but its been with the most beautiful girl, like she's genuinely perfect, tall, blonde, incredibly smart and kind (it sounds cliche but I'm so for real) She's everything I'm not. The only thing that still kept my crush going was that I heard they didn't talk for that long because supposedly, he never talked to her (idk why he lowkey fumbled with that) and she ended it. So just from that id know I'm not his type straight off the bat.
An important fact about him is that he's incredibly dense and lowkey stupid. I sometimes have a camera with me and I take pictures of him (not stalker ones, I'm not weird, he knows I'm taking pictures) and giggle and fangirl about them with my friends. But he's never caught on to me cheesing every time he's with me these past 3 years!! I've held onto him during a ride when we went to an amusement park with friends and have done just so much initiating in conversations and every possible interaction. A few years ago him and his friend thought that MY BEST FRIEND liked him because when we see him I always fangirl and she just hypes me up, INSTEAD OF ME!! THE ONE WHO LIKES HIM!! We also used to have a mutual friend that's close to him now. I don't really talk to her anymore but but she knew I liked him and there are two possibilities. (A). She was a real friend and kept my crush a secret. Or (B). he knows and is just ignoring it because he doesn't like me. But then on the other side, I'm not used to talking like romantically(?) to guys. (I have once and I literally got played in my face but you live and you learn) So I guess I get nervous most of the time and speak without thinking, I end up just being mean and ending each interaction as quick as possible. (gosh this sounds so corny but think tsundere type) After I talk to him my heart is always beating and suddenly my memory gets wiped or something because I always end up forgetting everything from our interaction since I was so flustered.
I've thought about it and although he's a really good guy, there's moments where I kind of wake up and realize that he would never think of me that way. I just really need help to see if maybe other people have gone through this and how they've gotten themselves to stop thinking about this certain person. Im still going to see him around, so I am not going for the "just confess to get over it" because I know he and our mutual friends would just end up feeling bad for me getting rejected.
Sorry if this was sort of a rant but there's sooo many more details and stories that add to it and I've been holding this in for literally 3 years!! I want to be free but I just like him, even though I recognize his flaws, I really do like him but it sort of gets to a point where I have to lock in and take my yearning/lovestruck glasses off!