Long story long for my over criticising, needing advices
Hello, I am 21F and i have this problem from a while now and it’s literally destroying my life. I have a new boyfriend for almost 2 months now. Before him i was in a 3 year relationship that was my first and we broke up 1 month and a half before getting into my new relationship. After we broke up sometimes in a while i just remembered his existence or some small memories, but i didn’t pay much attention to them and it was normal and not a big deal for me. The first week of my new relationship i was so chill, but after one week i feel like i went crazy. The situation is that i was hanging out with my boyfriend and we were talking about my ex for a moment and in my head one thought just popped out of nowhere “What if now when we kiss i remember my ex because of the fact that we just talked about him?” And i am saying remember like his existence and NOT imagining i am kissing him. And after that thought in my head i got so scared that it actually happened, i just remembered his existence and i felt like the most terrible person ever. And after that the problems started, i got so obsessed with thinking about this “Why i remembered him, does it mean something, i am terrible person for doing this, what is the reason?” And exactly how easily i didn’t pay attention to it and it wasn’t a big deal for me, just like that it got in my mind so bad and it made me feel like such a bad person that it couldn’t leave my mind 24/7. And from there other things also appeared and from this moment on i started feeling like a bad and unloyal person for every small thing and i started obsessing over every small thing to the point i was not allowing myself to forget anything i said or thought that i think is bad because i feel the need to remember it so i can solve it and prove that i am a good person even after this. And this is happening one month already. For example a few days ago i was talking to my bisexual girl friend and i just said “i love men”and i immediately felt bad like “i have a man why am i saying this i am unloyal i am a bad person” even though i know that i meant in a way that i am just attracted to men and not woman and i just love to love men and not in a way that i love many men but even that i felt terrible. Another example is when i was in the girls restroom in the fitness with my friend and there was a business card left of one of the fitness instructors and i just made a joke “sure they gonna leave here the business card of the prettiest instructor” and again i immediately felt bad like unloyal like a bad person and i was like “why i am saying this why i call some man pretty” even though it was just a joke and i don’t think no of them are pretty and not my type but i just wanted to make the joke that he is the prettiest of them not that he is pretty in general or that i am attracted to him. And just like this i got obsessive over every little thing that i think it’s bad and i am trying to remember it so i can fix it and prove i am not a bad person. I have many more examples but they are too much so i am telling only these two. So it’s not only about my ex it’s about everything that makes me feel like i am a bad person to him or unloyal even though i know i am not. Some other things i am trying to remember to fix it and prove i am good are that when we made sex for the first time with my boyfriend it was weird to me but not in a bad way it was just weird and i started obsessing over this too and feeling terrible like “why i am like this why i feel like this” and i started searching for answers and i got to the point that it’s weird because i am just not used to doing this with a new person because i was so used to only doing this with only one person for 3 years that it wasn’t just weird for me the first time because it’s something new someone new but after the first time it wasn’t weird anymore. And i have other things that i am also not used to doing with a new person and with these things it’s weird too the first time and i obsess over them too. Also i obsess and feel bad over the fact that maybe i am not fully moved on yet from this relationship and this situation, i know for a fact that i don’t love my ex, i don’t want him back i don’t want to replace him i wanted the opposite to find someone new who is so different and who is exactly what i’ve searched for and want because my ex wasn’t and i found this man my boyfriend and he is perfect and he is exactly what i’ve searched for and is so different but when i say i am not fully moved on i mean maybe because this was my whole life 3 years i didn’t do anything else, my whole life revolved around this relationship and that’s why i can’t just forget everything because i left a part of myself there, not because i miss him or some bullshit. I also feel like a bad person because in the beginning of our relationship with my boyfriend i had this random thought what if my ex is my soulmate when i can’t form this strong connection with anyone else but we talked with my boyfriend about the thing for the connection and he told me that i expect to have this strong connection i had for 3 years relationship to have it the same for 2 weeks and that is impossible and that’s again because i am just used to have super strong connection with my boyfriend but i can’t have it for 2 weeks. I also had a period when i compared my boyfriend a lot to my ex, it was in a good way like how much better he is than my ex and some shit like that but it was still comparing and it was bad and i felt again like e terrible person, but then i read that it’s normal to compare because after 3 years you are used to different things and every new thing your brain associate it and compare. Maybe this comparing was agin because of what i am used to and when i see something different and my brain immediately compare it with how it was before because i am not used to the new thing. I felt like a terrible person because only 3 days before i met my boyfriend i was crying because i couldn’t like anyone else rather than my ex even though i tried to catch feelings for some boys but i just couldn’t like them and i was crying that i will never find someone else to love and maybe i should just wait for my ex to come back and then i met my boyfriend who is literally my dream boy and later on i felt bad that i was crying and saying that only 3 days before i met him. And i was getting better last two weeks i went twice to the psychologist and she told me i just have anxiety and over criticise myself because my whole life i’ve been criticised and i was doing better until yesterday when i had a panic attack again because of my thoughts because i remember a few days ago i saw one photo of ramen when i was eating with my ex, but it was only the photo of the ramen, i deleted every other photo of him or us and when i saw that photo i felt weird because how one person that knew every little detail of u and your life and you spend 3 years every day with him now is just a stranger and it was just weird to me but NOT like i miss him, like just weird how one person can be so close to u one day and the other it’s like you’ve never met and also when i saw the pic i felt like he is still close to me but NOT in a “i care about him i feel like i still have a connection with him” way but in a “i just let him get too close too me he just knew the real me and every detail of my life way” and i felt so much like a bad person because of this that i crashed so bad yesterday. Also felt bad because i wanted to write a poem for my boyfriend and i started and i felt like it feels the same when u reading as it feels when u reading an old poem about my ex and i felt so terrible because i don’t want it to feel the same because nothing is the same and everything is different but maybe it didn’t feel the same maybe i am just too stressed and overanalyse every little thing. And these things are literally destroying me and i feel like they gonna destroy and the best relationship i’ve ever had and honestly i don’t know how to stop them.