Boyfriend hesitant about introducing me to his Daughter
Hey everyone. My boyfriend (30) and I (27) started dating each other/speaking daily over a year ago and are now 9 months in an official relationship. He has a 3 year old daughter that he has with his ex. They coparent very well together and he gets his daughter 3 days/week sometimes more depending. On the days he is not with her (staying at family), he lives with me. He contributes to my rent payment and is now on the lease so yes we do live together when he doesn’t have her. He knows I want to get married and have my own children in a few years and he’s said he sees a future with me too. The problem is, he seems to not want me to meet his daughter. He seems to have the idea that his daughter is too young to meet me. He’s been very dodgy and vague with the question and topic every time I’ve brought it up. I understand waiting a year to meet, but now he’s saying she’s too young and said when she’s 5 would be better. I told him I just can’t wait that long. I have my own timeline in life and there’s no developmental reason that suggests waiting until 5 years old is appropriate. Ive actually seen that it’s better to meet a stepparent when they’re younger so it seems more normal for them and less of a dramatic change (obviously assuming the couple stays together). I wish he would tell me his actual fears surrounding why he feels this way. I’ve asked if it’s me and he says it’s not … he says he doesn’t want anything with his daughter to change. I think there might be fears surrounding what his ex would think or if she might try to pull contact (they don’t have a court order it’s all just agreed upon by discussion …. Yeah I know not good).I’ve told him they will still have all their time to themselves and I’m not trying to take over that time I just need forward movement and for the steps to be taken towards an eventual life together. Last year I was alone on thanksgiving, wasn’t allowed to come to his family’s Christmas Eve party, Easter, NYE I had to sneak to see him at midnight, hell I wasn’t even invited to his 30th birthday because she was there. Yeah that one hurt. Older cousins brought their friends though! So she can meet other people around my age, but not me. He says it’s because I’ll be more important to her than them, but that’s not going to be the case initially. You don’t just meet a child and you’re a stepmom. It’s going to be a slow and gradual process. I’m just really hurt and I don’t know why he feels this way. We have had our own issues that we’ve been working through in our relationship, but his daughter wouldn’t be involved in our relationship for a very long time and she certainly wouldn’t live with us. I told him I would expect to meet his ex sometime soon (they decided they need to meet partners before the children) and then by the end of this year I would expect to have met his daughter and if he can’t do that then I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve asked several times to be given a timeline and he just keeps saying he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to promise anything. If he would actually open up as to his fears surrounding it and be more open, maybe we could get somewhere with this discussion and come to a solution, but he won’t open up and just says he doesn’t know and she’s too young. I’ve been investing my heart, soul, and being into this relationship and I just can’t keep doing that when he seems so against integration. He thanked me for being more upfront about my timeline and what I would want and told me he’ll let me know in a few weeks. I have a feeling he might say no and we breakup bc he’s too afraid to move forward. I hope that isn’t the case. Any thoughts or guidance would be very appreciated. Please be kind and thank you for listening!
Clarity: BM does know about me. I’m not concerned about BM and his relationship for all the comments suggesting they are still together / I’m a secret other woman