Is this valid grounds to break up?
I, 26 F found out that my 28 M bf of 3 months is prejudicial. I am thinking of (and likely to) end it - need a sense check.
I am a BW from South Africa and my bf is a WM from Eastern Europe. We both live in London with him having been here for 10ish years and me moving here this year. Very fresh relationship - about 2/3 months.
My bf who has been wonderful so far in our relationship, said some fairly prejudicial things this weekend about POC - (1) I just don’t want to see men wearing dresses and (2) if you’re in Europe I want to see people be European, they should try integrate and (3) the least you can do if you come here is to learn the language and asked me whether South Africa was better off because of colonisation. He also specifically called a predominantly Muslim area in London a shithole. And when I called him out on these things and told him that these have racist undertones and that I think it’s a dealbreaker he didn’t really take me seriously. When I called him out he said that he didn’t even say anything about black people.
He said that he doesn’t want to fight and that he’s not into politics and subsequently said that he was upset and burst out when he said these things but it’s not a reflection of how he really feels and that he wouldn’t have said those things.
I know he doesn’t want to break up but I was so surprised about this. The day after the disagreement he met some of my Asian friends when I wasn’t there (they were all supporting me during a marathon) and I spent part of my run being worried about whether my bf is thinking bad things of these people. I can’t look at him the same. He thinks it’s not a big deal but just having different views on immigration and integration but I, as a BW, know there are racially motivated undertones there. You have no issues with eg Scottish people wearing kilts. It’s only when brown people do other things that it’s an issue. I think it’s unfair for him to say integration is easy when being brown means that people already have perceptions of you and wearing Jeans and a T-shirt or whatever Europeans supposedly wear to ‘integrate’ is a really strange thing to say. Why d you care?
I asked him if he reflected about this and he said he knows he doesn’t want to break up. I also don’t want to break up but I think this speaks to a difference in values which is irreconcilable. I also don’t want to bear the brunt of being your teacher of why you can’t say this or that- that’s not a role that I want to have in a relationship. I expect you to have decorum. Also everyone has inherent biases and sometimes thinks things they shouldn’t but why would you say that out loud?
I don’t know this ended up being a rant but I would like some input or comments on what you think of the situation.
I really do love him but I feel like I don’t know him. I feel that this is something that will always come up in the future if we continue dating. If we were to have children one day, they would be perceived in the world as being black and his inability to see and acknowledge that POC have different experiences of the world around them that speaking in a certain way or dressing a particular way won’t resolve.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, what did you do- continue to engage or cut the losses early?
Thanks!