u/Azelastineee

I think I just sabotaged something that could’ve actually been good and I need outside perspective because I genuinely can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if my feelings make sense.

I’m 23F and recently got out of a really unhealthy/abusive relationship. After that relationship, I was also sexually assaulted, which definitely changed the way I process intimacy and reassurance emotionally.

I met this guy (26M) on Tinder and we clicked really quickly. We had a ton in common, cars, late night drives, gym, music, motorcycles, similar humor/vibes, etc. We went on a date, drove around listening to music until like 5am, and eventually hooked up. Before we had sex, he explained that he likes to “take things slow emotionally” and that for him physical intimacy and emotional attachment are separate. He also said physical compatibility is important to him before deciding whether he wants to seriously date someone.

The issue is that I normally do NOT move that fast physically, especially after everything I’ve been through, but I genuinely liked him and trusted him. So after we hooked up, I got way more emotionally attached/vulnerable than I expected to.

Afterward, I wanted to stay over, but I got the vibe he didn’t really want me to. Then the next day he barely texted me at all. My brain immediately spiraled into “he regrets it / I’m being discarded / he just wanted sex.” Instead of calming down, I emotionally spiraled HARD. I started asking questions about his intentions, asked if he’d care if I blocked him, got passive aggressive, and while I was high I even called him a narcissist (which I didn’t seriously mean, but obviously still hurt him).

He ended up telling me that while he appreciated my honesty and understood my past better after I explained it, the way I handled conflict and emotions this early completely changed how he saw me. He said he felt like I was trying to say anything to get the answer I wanted, that I crossed boundaries emotionally, and that he doesn’t see me as a potential partner anymore because this isn’t how he’d want to start a relationship.

The thing is… logically I understand why he felt overwhelmed. But emotionally I feel devastated because I genuinely liked him and I feel like I ruined everything by panicking after feeling vulnerable/intimate with someone again for the first time in a long time.

Part of me also feels confused because HE emphasized the importance of physical intimacy/compatibility before dating, so I feel like I pushed my own boundaries because I thought this was part of building toward something more serious eventually. Then afterward hearing “borderline casual with potential to grow” honestly crushed me emotionally.

I know I handled things badly. I really do. But I also feel like my reaction came from fear and trauma, not from wanting to manipulate him.

Did I completely sabotage this? Was he reasonable for ending things this quickly? And how do I stop getting this emotionally attached after intimacy?

TL;DR: I (23F) hooked up with a guy (26M) after 2 dates even though I normally don’t move that fast physically, especially after an abusive relationship + sexual assault. He said physical compatibility was important to him before deciding to date someone seriously, but also that he wanted to take things slow emotionally. After sex I got emotionally attached really quickly, panicked when he seemed distant the next day, spiraled emotionally, and overwhelmed him with insecurity/reassurance seeking. He now says he doesn’t see me as a potential partner anymore because of how intense things got. I’m devastated because I genuinely liked him and feel like I sabotaged something that had potential.