Ever realized you just wanted to be loved?
I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. When I was nine, that was my first time ever experiencing my parents fighting. Of course, I was young and didn’t understand why they were yelling at each other. I was so young, in fact, that I experienced something I don’t even know how to describe — basically being forced to choose between my mom or dad to stay with.
During that entire week (or maybe it was days, I don’t remember because I’ve been trying to forget it), I literally asked, pleaded, and cried for my mom (who I chose) to come back home with my dad. My mom explained many times that my dad was “bad,” but I don’t remember clearly because I was too young. I didn’t understand what she was trying to explain. All I wanted was for my mom and dad to be back together. I was only nine.
My parents eventually got back together, and looking back now, I think my mom just chose to return because she saw how desperate I was (since divorce is illegal in the Philippines). I remember my dad trying to cheer me up by taking us to a creek (I think) to swim.
Now I remember being 11, when COVID struck. When everyone was home, that’s when my body changed. I started overeating and eventually became fat and tall — like what people often label in families. I was treated harshly, even by my own relatives, and I felt like a victim.
During this time, my dad had the audacity to cheat on my mother, going to another woman’s house. There was also a moment when we thought he had gotten infected with COVID, but it turned out to be just a cold. How did we find out about the cheating? My mom was scrolling through my dad’s phone and saw explicit messages with another woman. My mother was furious — that marked the beginning of her more aggressive phase.
After my father recovered, they got into a fight that escalated until my dad grabbed my mom’s phone and slammed it onto the floor. My mouth went wide open. My mom was cursing at him. And me? I was crying, completely traumatized.
(Time skip to when school reopened.) I was overweight and bullied. No one really talked to me except a few people I considered friends, but even they still made fun of my weight.
Now this year, my mom has become more aggressive and less affectionate toward me — getting angry more easily and blaming me often. My dad has entered a gambling phase (online gambling). He smokes, gets angry easily, eats, sleeps — basically a “deadbeat” dad in terms of emotional connection. He still supports my schooling, but there is no love shown toward my mom or me. In fact, he makes fun of my weight.
One night, I remember grabbing a knife and trying to end my life, but I broke down in my room alone and dropped it. My mind was filled with anger — I kept thinking, “Mom, why are you still with dad?” I even had thoughts about hurting him. My life kept getting worse. Porn also became part of my life, giving me cheap dopamine.
It all feels forced.
Right now? I’m fine, I guess. I’m trying to escape porn and just survive. Sometimes I wonder why I was born into such a difficult family, and why my country follows rules influenced by the Catholic Church. I wish divorce were allowed.
I just want to be loved and taken care of. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, imagining my pillow as my child — caring for them, protecting them, making sure they never go through what I went through. It’s painful to think about.
And I forgot to mention: I’ve lost a lot of weight recently because I’ve been working out.