Am I [39f] expecting too much to quickly from my bf [47m]
We have been dating for 6 months, we both have been divorced and neither of us have been interested in casual dating but date with the intention of marriage. We are older and know what we do and do not want, we have been intentional in trying to find ways we are or are not compatible, as we do not want to “waste” our time. Our relationship has been amazing in so many ways, we have fun and deep meaningful time together and we have been able to have hard conversations with healthy conflict. I can see us living a beautiful life together and he says the same, of course we need more time to see if that’s the case. In many ways, he is exactly the guy I want and even more but as with any relationship, there is a hiccup. We do not have enough time together. We both have teenagers in the same grade in HS (different schools) and we decided in the beginning that no life changes would happen until they graduate, which is two more years. We live an hour away from each other, he isn’t going to make his child move HS and I am not going to make mine, we both agree. He has his teenager 50/50 but works long hours when he doesn’t have his teenager. For reference, I have my teenager full time. The problem is, I didn’t think he would keep his teenager and me completely separate (honestly I don’t think he anticipated that either) but his teenager does not want to meet me. My teenager has met him (wanted to because he makes me so happy) and likes him so far. It really doesn’t have anything to do with me personally, his teenager does not want his dad to date. Honestly, it seems more like he doesn’t want to share dad and not have everything revolve around them anymore (the mom is already remarried). I completely understood at first but now, 6 months in, I expect some blending to happen. How can we really grow in a relationship with each other or continue to see if we are compatible if something so major is not experienced together? Between my bf work schedule and schedule with his teenager, we do not have much time together at all. I do not, in any way, want to take his time away from his teenager, that should be priority but I did think there would be “shared” time together; to actually do life together, not all the time, they definitely still need significant 1 on 1 time, but a move towards sharing time. Out to dinner one night. Hike one day. Things like that. I understand he can’t force his teenager to want to meet me, but at a certain point, I’m not willing to have his teenager dictate our relationship. We have had conversations about this with promises that he will “work” with his teenager to get him to be okay and that it won’t always be like this. I understand that, but at the same time, I need more time with my partner in this relationship than what I am getting and his teenager isn’t just going to disappear when they graduate. I think at a certain point, he just needs to be the parent and parent him through his lack of desire instead of waiting for him to come around, the teenager has soften his stance with it at all and seems to actually be going the opposite way.
It’s such a hard situation because I wouldn’t force my teenager to be around someone they didn’t want to be around but I also didn’t start a relationship until we were both okay with it and set up expectations and boundaries.
So what it comes down to is that we don’t do life together, he is either working or has his teenager. I get little pockets of time, sometimes just 1-2 evenings in the week. I have communicated that it seems he has space to date but not space for a relationship. I need more. He is aware that I need more and this is not a new conversation. I don’t want to be one of those people that gives up on a relationship too quickly though, I know he needs time to work through this. But I also do not want to self abandon (which was something I did often in the past) and continue to choice and schedule my life around someone who isn’t doing the same for me. I told him that I could not wait for 2 years while he kept his two parts of his life completely separate… that I needed to start seeing it blended more. Again, no life changes but even if it’s just small steps. He has communicated that he understands and wants that as well but then recently said I am making him choose between me and his teenager. That hurt and I honestly don’t see it that way. He is amazing, I love him, and other than the time issue, he treats me like he cherishes and loves me. But my needs are not met by 1-2 evenings a week, at this point in our relationship. That doesn’t make him bad. Or me bad. Maybe we just aren’t compatible right now. But I don’t want to throw away something awesome when change is coming. He says in his future but I want to be more involved in his present as well. Due to summer schedules/holidays/ and special trips, my bf will have his teenager for the next 5 weekends in a row. We have had all the conversations so my thought process is to sit back and see how he handles these next 5 weeks. To see if he makes any space for me or steps for change. I want to be fair to him. Is expecting change to happen in the next 5 weeks asking too much too quickly?