r/relationshipadvice

My [29F] fiancé [36M] and I have been together for 7 years. I recently found multiple NSFW conversations he had sent to different women on Reddit, including messages where he sent his own photo and a VERY OLD clip of him having sex with another woman(before our relationship). He was looking for sexual encounters. The conversations were from around a month before he proposed to me.

One of the messages specifically says that he was 36 and was “only looking for fun before I move overseas.” He is currently 36, and we recently moved overseas together in June. The message is displayed by Reddit as “26 MAY” without a year, so I don’t yet know with absolute certainty whether it was May of this year, but the timing and details feel extremely specific given our circumstances.

He says he never sent them and claims his Reddit account was hacked. I haven’t found any evidence of a hack so far.

I’m trying to stay objective and figure out what actually happened rather than immediately assuming the worse, but I genuinely don’t believe he was hacked. What would you do in this situation, and what evidence would you look for to determine whether the hacking explanation is credible?

TLDR; My [f29] fiancé [M36] claims his Reddit was hacked after I discovered NSFW messages sent by him. The messages included recent details of our life that make me really skeptical about his hacking claim, how do I get him to own up to the messages?

My wife [27F] and I [26M] have been married for 1 year, 6 months. Together for 6 years total.
Almost 4 months ago, she took a trip to her hometown, and while she was there she slept with an old hookup partner.
I found out, went to therapy, did all of the things to fix our marriage.
About 2 months ago, I found where she had been messaging him again, and deleting the evidence.
I found out, did everything short of physically filing for divorce.. and decided to give it one last go.
We’re in couples therapy currently. And things are going well.
We’re communicating better, we’re working through things in a healthy way, she’s honestly never been a more attentive and supportive partner.
However, maybe the ship has already sailed? I feel horrible about it, because she’s trying so hard. I truly believe she wants to be with me.
But I am so mentally checked out and walled off emotionally, I’m not happy.
Her presence annoys me, I don’t want to talk with her, I don’t want to spend time with her, I don’t want to confide in her.. our relationship from my POV is currently that of an annoying coworker, just their presence is bothersome.
If asked if I even LIKE her, it would be a difficult question to answer.
That sounds so extreme, but I wonder if anyone has experienced a similar feeling?
Do I love her? Yes! I care for her and her wellbeing.
But do I LIKE her? would we be friends if we weren’t married? I don’t know.
Is this just a trauma response that will heal with time? Will we ever be back to being best friends again?
My heart is telling me I’m not happy, cut it off, divorce her, and spend time making myself happy. Eventually, life will lead me to who I’m meant to be with.
My brain remembers how happy we once were, I married her for a reason? Right?
Such a drastic switch flip is difficult to wrap my head around..
from the love of my life to.. do I even like this person?
Maybe the rose colored glasses have fallen off..

I know I still love and care about her, but I don’t know whether I still want to be married to her. For anyone who has experienced this kind of emotional shutdown after infidelity, did your feelings toward your partner eventually return, or did you realize the betrayal had permanently changed how you saw them? More importantly, how did you figure out which one it was?

TLDR: My wife cheated 4 months ago and later secretly contacted the same guy again. We’re now in couples therapy and she’s doing everything right, but I feel completely checked out and don’t know if this is a temporary response to betrayal or if I’m simply done with the marriage.

- We still have sex, but it feels routine, and I miss the desire and flirting we had earlier. Is this normal, or is the spark dying?
- In the beginning, the sexual chemistry between us was amazing.
- He used to actively crave me, and I could really feel that desire from him.
- We still have sex now, but it has started feeling more like a routine/pattern.
For example, it’s mostly become “Friday night = sex.”
- Otherwise, I sometimes get the feeling he’s too tired over the weekend, even though he doesn’t explicitly say that.
- What I miss most is the spontaneous sexual tension outside of actually having sex.
- Earlier, when we were apart because one of us went home, he would send me flirty/steamy reels.
Lately, there’s been basically none of that for around 3 weeks.
- Sometimes I’ll joke around or try to initiate that kind of flirting, but he doesn’t really reciprocate.
He’ll say things like someone might come into the room, and it feels like he’s dodging the conversation/flirting rather than engaging with it.
- I don’t necessarily expect him to want sex all the time, but I do crave that feeling of being desired by him.
- I’m worried that the spark we had in the beginning is fading and that it might not come back.

Tldr; sexual tension faded after 9-10 months of being together

This is a long one, so strap in.

Thanks in advance to anyone who actually reads all of this and offers any advice. I feel like i just need some mum/big sister advice and have no where to turn for it.

The tldr of the situation is, I have been with my partner for 4 years and there has always been something missing even though he is otherwise great to me, and a recent mental health crisis has pointed this out even more so. I wasnt sure how else to paint the picture so ive written out a list of all the ways he brings me fulfillment and the things he lacks, following on with more context!

All of the things he brings to my life:

• Brings me treats & thoughtful gifts (gift giving)

• Cooks me food, does chores and errands for me and pulls his weight around the house (acts of service)

• Will bring me things and do things for me to help with chronic illness stuff (acts of service)

• Compliments me a lot and obviously finds me pretty. (I also find him very attractive!)

• Loves my body and imperfections, brings me a lot of safety and security there after past traumas

• His main love language is physical touch, is very attentive, massages, foot rubs etc etc (physical touch)

• lots of the same interests and hobbies, video games, movies etc (quality time)

• Want to live life in similar ways (live together peacefully now, same ideas around career, creativity, travel, family future, money etc)

• Similar humour, makes me laugh a lot (these moments are what make me feel he is my best friend the most of any trait)

• He is very calm and patient and safe (I have a history of trauma, so a safe patient person is good for me)

Where he is lacking (the "missing" bits):

• We have never had the best sex life. he makes me feel safe and we are attracted to one another, but performance, frequency and deeper desires have never aligned despite trying and openly communicating about this since the start of our relationship (I know sex isnt everything and id much rather have a great person than a great sexual partner, but its still important to note as it makes me worry about our deepest compatibilities)

• most importantly: He doesnt "get me" on a deeper, emotional level. Several times when ive been freaking out, in a crisis, or just needed someone, he hasnt shown up for me in the way I need despite trying to explain my needs to him, giving him blueprints in how to emotionally calm me, and many arguments later. He is very good to me in the day to day but when the going gets tough or when theres an argument between us, he doesnt know how to soothe me or problem solve with me in the ways I need it, which makes arguments worse as it turns into "why cant you ever do XYZ when I've asked you so many times". When it comes to "deep" chats, it feels like he just doesnt have the depth I do. I sent him songs and tell him "these lyrics make me think of you" and he just doesnt seem to react much. I write him sweet, loving messages in cards or love notes and he never seems to have anything to say in the cards he gives me. So on so forth.

I want to make it clear that I havent just scoffed and judged. Its been four years. Ive tried to open him up, ask him questions about his inner thoughts etc etc. I dont think this is a case of part of him hasnt had the space to come out, and he is generally an intelligent and empathetic man. I just think his well doesnt go as deep as mine, and its noticeable. I know what im describing is that my love language is words of affirmation, and he just doesnt compute with that.

Why am I still here?

Beyond the obvious parts where I love him and worry about throwing something away that I could deeply regret for the rest of my life, there are many very important and practical reasons too.

I grew up with nothing and have struggled most of my life. My partner has shown me what it is to have a more stable life. I get to be more comfortable due to his stability and generosity. We talk about our future and future plans around travels, home ownership etc and the idea of all of that being possible and building that life with him is something I really dont want to lose. It is a wonderful idea to me.

Also, I have unfortunately just had the worst 6 months of my life and have been deeply struggling due to losing a loved one and an intense mental health crisis that followed this. Whilst this situation is part of whats making me realise he doesnt fully get me on a deeper level and im feeling whats missing more than ever, at the same time this would be the worst possible time to destroy even more of my life and stability. Im not doing well mentally and I think being alone right now would definitely push me over the edge.

If I could just look beyond this - find these qualities in other people and not so desperately need it from him because i am content with all else he brings me, I would click my fingers and do it. I think he is a wonderful person, truly my best friend. But this internal struggle is causing both of us so much pain. He is constantly worried about me and trying to be better, but always getting it wrong or disappointing me which makes him feel deep sadness and worry over our happiness and the future of our relationship. I am constantly reminded of this big thing I need that my person just cant do for me, which during my current struggles, is making me feel very emotionally alone and with nowhere safe to turn to.

What friends have said:

I have opened up to friends about this and everyone loves him and thinks it would be a big mistake for me to leave. Ive been told by a few friends that this seems like i am self sabotaging and I finally have someone who is genuinely good for me and I should see beyond the "few' things he lacks. They say things like "nobody can have everything" and "somebody new will be missing some other quality you need" "soulmates are built, not discovered". Whilst i do agree with all of this, i think it is just VERY unfortunate that the main area he lacks is, essentially, the number 1 thing i need from someone.

Some final thoughts:

I think we may have hit our "ceiling" since he is always so sure he can change but it is never quite enough, he seems to think that with more time and understanding his "ceiling" will grow. He has shown a lot of ability and willingness to change in the past, but i just fear we have hit our limit on his ability to "get" me on the deepest darkest levels - knowing how my brain works, what i think, why i think, how to soothe me. I dont how how to teach him any more than I already have. My two final thoughts are -

Can his ceiling grown, will we find some way to both feel satisfied in this department?

If not, is it possible to overlook this or find peace with this in the name of someone I love who ticks every single other box for me?

TLDR; bf ticks every box I could ever want, but doesnt meet my deepest emotional needs

Me M18 and girlfriend F18 have been together for 5 months. We have struggling lately. She has been breaking boundaries regarding drinks, and one night even ended up in the hospital. For this I set a boundary that when we go to uni in 3 weeks, we should both consider sobriety, as if she does it I want to show love by doing it too. However i’ve since been called controlling and manipulative in a fit of rage on the phone, and previous times she has been drunk has called me saying worse things. I don’t know what to do because this is my first ever relationship plz help

TLDR - my girlfriend has got drunk many times and hurt my feelings what do I do

We met on hinge and we both (obviously) move very fast. I had given up on having children, and she had convinced herself she didn’t want any. Since then we’ve both really wanted to try and have a family, and give it a shot even though we’re late to the picture. We’ve both had long relationships in the past but they didn’t pan out, and now we’ve both realized it’s kinda now or never and honeymoon period accounted for we are genuinely perfect for each other. We communicate exceptionally, handle conflict amazingly, and we both spent ~2 years single whilst doing therapy after our respective long relationships.
I would like some outside opinions though on if this is just insane or if some of you have been in similar situations and have any advice

TLDR Is moving this fast bad? t bad?

Sorry if my formatting is bad, I’m currently on my phone and don’t post much on reddit.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. This is my first relationship, so I honestly don’t know what being in love is supposed to feel like or whether someone here ever experienced something similar, but i do think I love him. I find him very attractive, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. He’s sweet, caring, compliments me gets me flowers on birthdays.

I’ve thought about leaving before, but I’ve never been able to find a good reason. I don’t want to be alone, and the thought of losing him hurts but i’m also weirdly unsatisfied and bored? I started getting irritated over stupid things and so irrationally mad at him. I’m starting to pick fights and I get scared that he’ll leave me, but I don’t think he will wich is also scary, I just feel trapped in a way but I don’t wanna loose what we have.

I really miss the beginning of our relationship when we were first talking and we were both shy and getting to know each other. I know that if I stay with him forever I’ll never feel that way again.

I think I might also feel some resentment regarding our sex life as he’s never actually made me finish. Most of that is on me tho, because I think some of my difficulties around intimacy are connected to past trauma and I’ve never properly communicated what I need from him. It’s not like he’s selfish in bed, he’s actually great at it I just struggle with that which I’m obviously not blaming him for.

Then there’s his best friend who always thought was physically attractive. He’s tall, muscular and a little older, but I never acted on it or told anyone and I pushed those feelings away. Recently, though, we’ve been hosting game and movie nights a larger friend group (sometimes just me, my bf and him), and I’ve gotten to talk to him more. From what I can tell, he’s a genuinely good guy, and I really enjoy being around him.

I started to catch myself fantasising about him and coming up with scenarios involving the two of us in my head. The scariest part to me is that he’s even started to show up in my dreams in very non platonic ways. I feel so guilty for these thoughts, I don’t want to have them I don’t know how to stop them.

After this started, I found videos of random attractive women saved on my boyfriend’s TikTok and Instagram, some very suggestive, some just them lip syncing. There were no DMs or anything suggesting he was cheating or trying to get their attention, most of them weren’t even liked and some of the women weren’t people I would have expected him to be attracted to. I cried for an entire day over it but never told him. I retaliated by saving suggestive TikToks of attractive men, hoping he’d eventually find them and feel the same way I did, which I know is childish.

I think this triggered something in me because now whenever I see an attractive woman, I immediately think about the women I’ve seen on his social media and imagine him finding them attractive. I know that’s not necessarily fair or rational and I know how hypocritical it is to be upset about him looking at attractive women while I’m fantasising about his best friend.

I don’t want to throw away a good relationship just because the honeymoon phase ended. I even recently cried after going through my boyfriend’s social media and looking at his posts from when we first met. I want to be wanted by him, and the scariest part about leaving is him moving on us being no contact and not being seen and loved by him.

I’m feeling incredibly confused and guilty, and I don’t really know who I can talk to about this, or even how. I know I can’t ever act on my crush on his best friend either, I’m just lost and so lonely.

TLDR:
My bf thinks everything is ok but I think I’m loosing interest or getting bored. I’m crushing on his best friend and I feel super guilty about everything.

TLDR : My boyfriend has never finished from sex with me, what can I do and should I be worried ?

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 years. When we started dating we were in college and it was an intense relationship and very very sexual. We would have very passionate sex but he told me the first time we slept together during it that he has never finished from sex. This was very strange and new for me for a while .

We have sex and then he finishes himself. I felt down about it for a long time but then got used to it. Now we have been together 3 years and he still has never finished from me from sex . What does it mean? What about our future ?

TLDR; We got into an argument from misunderstanding what the other was saying, he informed me that he had a trauma response during the argument, and now he's radio silent. Is there anything I can do?

General context: We live 3 hours apart, opposite sides of the state. Both of our cars kicked the bucket within a day of each other a few weeks back, so we haven't seen each other in a bit due to that. I could rent a car and go see him, it wouldn't be my best financial decision ever and who knows if he'd even want that, but it is an option I'm more than willing to do if that could be beneficial. Both of us each also have CPTSD (Childhoods mainly), ADHD, and are most likely somewhere on the spectrum. I am in therapy, I have a session later this week and I'm unable to move it sooner.

What I said above pretty much explains it, but I'll give you the in depth context. This is long, I tried to sum it up, but if you want the billion screenshots I can do that too:

A little less than a week ago he and I had a bit of a misunderstanding. I wasn't in the best headspace, I just felt like I was failing in a lot of areas in my life despite my efforts. After a bit of back and forth, with him reassuring numerous times that he could handle it, I opened up on what I was feeling. He misunderstood what I was trying to say and he said that I was creating a "self fulfilling prophecy" and that I'm just giving up and that worries him about me. We put the conversation to the side and each went to bed because he said he was falling asleep while texting.

The next day we revisited the topic and he still believed that was the case despite me trying to tell him it wasn't and giving examples. He then stated that he didn't say I was giving up; that frustrated and confused me because he literally said the words verbatim. We eventually get to the conclusion that he is a hope based thinker whereas I am past pattern based thinker. He doesn't understand how I think my way at all, just different ways of thinking from how we each grew up. Despite my efforts to explain and put it in ways he could understand, he then decided to call his best friend (B) about it. He says he did it to see what advice B could give since B and I think the same way. The last thing I asked, before he decided to call B, was if we could try to find a middle ground for our different styles? He responded with I don't know yet. A couple hours of just radio silence goes by, I send a message asking if everything is okay, he responds with yes but the talk with B really tired him out so he's going to bed. He then says goodnight I love you, very normal of him to say, but given the context I'm very confused. 

We talked the next day and he said he figured it out and through talking to B he realized that what I was saying triggered him into a trauma response. That response was from someone in his past saying similar statements and just traumatic aftermath of that person. He did elaborate on that with me, but it isn't necessary to share the specifics here. I ask him some questions to understand where we stand and he says nothing is changing. I ask again, for the third separate instance, if that topic was too much and he says yes it was. He said normally it wouldn't be, which is why he said it wasn't the other times, but just with his life stuff going on in that moment it was too much. I double checked his emotional boundaries(?) and he says just to ask how much his battery is at that time and everything is still on the table to hear about.

Things started feeling more normal again and less awkward after about a day. I did make a mental note to discuss with him how I'm feeling as a result of that conversation when things settled a bit more. I just felt like being vulnerable and honest was a mistake and was stuck in a high anxiety trauma flight state. I didn't tell him any of that, I actually am surprised I kept it to myself as well as I did, but I did have really bad anxiety while waiting for him to say something. So I made a note to discuss that with him and see what better options there could be going forward once we settled back to ourselves more.

Then a couple days ago stuff went really sideways somehow. We were on the phone talking about a date idea and I was starting to get stuff ready for it. All of a sudden he got really quiet. I ask if he's okay and he says yes, just that B sent him a video. I don't remember the exact context of the video, but it was one of those women hating all men things. He starts ranting about that topic, I feel a bit uncomfortable because I can understand both sides, he asks me to elaborate and I do with specific examples, he says he still doesn't understand, I share more general examples, he shoots down two of them saying they just don't happen and I'm wrong (No more context to that, just that it isn't true and doesn't actually happen. Even when I say one of them I have personally witnessed). I say okay and just pull out one of the most basic examples, I'm trying to build a bridge so it isn't me being defensive yet, and mention how women tend to get scared when men walk behind them. He says men get scared too. I ask for clarification. He says that men get scared when women walk behind them. This confused me because I have never heard of that specifically before. I ask questions just to understand the concept, like why, and every man thinks that way? He says all men are afraid of women walking behind them because those women can jump, rape, and murder them. I'm further confused, just new concept so it'll take me a second, but I don't think or say he's wrong or anything like that just state that I've never heard of that before so it's new to me. Other variations yes, but just not the walking one. The conversation goes for a little bit longer and I notice that I'm irrationally feeling mad and just generally triggered. I tell him we need to pause this discussion, he says okay but he has two more things to say about the topic first, he says his two things, and then we just sit in absolute silence. After a few minutes, I end up saying I have to go but I'll talk to him later.

The things he was saying during that call made me feel like it was one of those "nice guy" conversations where they claim women have no issues and men have it equal if not worse. I was literally questioning my reality and if I just somehow missed all the signs of him being sexist up until this point. I conclude I got triggered and just wasn't properly understanding what he was saying and choose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which how I understood that call is very very different than anything I've ever seen regarding how he is as a person; not even crumbs of that potential existed. I take a nap because my blood pressure is too high and I just won't be able to figure this out with that going on. I wake up after a few hours and message him around 9pm asking if he's awake, no response, I message again around 11pm asking if he's okay, no response. It's a little unusual for him to be asleep by 9, but I don't push it.

He messages around 8:30 the next morning saying he's awake and the conversation starts off very one sided. I ask if he's okay, he says he's thinking about yesterday, I ask if he wants to talk about it and that I was going to ask to have a discussion anyways, and he just jumps right into it. He says he asked other people their thoughts on the situation, to understand if he is just not educated kind of things, and they said they agree with him and don't really understand my side. I state that I think there's misunderstandings on both sides for what was said, state why I felt like I needed to walk away, my interpretation of the conversation wasn't a who's side thing but more so both exist at the same time, and that the who's side do you agree with bothers me because that wasn't my intention in the slightest. There was a bit of back and forth about the who's side thing and him saying he doesn't understand, eventually I just give up on that because it isn't even the main topic and none of the ways I'm phrasing it are getting across. I point blank ask him what he thought I was saying yesterday and what his takeaway was? He says he interpreted it as me saying men are no where equal in any experience to women. I very clearly and simply state my belief, which is that both struggle but women usually in different ways more frequently due to the oppressive system that was built. I cover any possible misunderstanding there might be and state that I wasn't trying to dismiss anything yesterday, or come across like I don't believe men can have issues, just that it was my first time hearing that concept and was trying to understand. I purposefully try to say all of that very simply. Like I covered any potential misinterpretation and was way more in depth than I'm summing up on here. His response was that it feels like I'm trying to backpedal from yesterday and he starts getting defensive and stating how he tries to understand the issues to accommodate the women in his life. I inform him that I'm not trying to backpedal, or discredit/dismiss anything, and that if I responded in a way yesterday that doesn't make sense today it's because I misunderstood him and was in a triggered state. I try to relate my experience in this conversation to his when he went to talk to B, but that just got ignored. To sum up my next response: I ask him to please reread what I said and remember how I am as a person and that I don't know how to fix this disconnect. He gets upset saying that I'm cursing at him, yelling at him, and not wanting to work with him on this. I tell him I didn't say that I didn't want to work with him and that he misread the sentence, I cursed twice and neither were attached to him and I just curse as a person as he very well knows (The two times I cursed was saying and I quote "yesterday triggered the fuck out of me" and "same fucking shit" when referring to the same situation of us getting triggered), and that I'm not yelling at him and that isn't something I would do (I interpret yelling over text as all upper case letters or even exclamation points, which none of what I said had either). He says he's essentially done with the conversation and that he doesn't understand how this blew up how it did. I say he isn't reading my words and that it's flat out and simple with no hidden meanings and then I elaborate on the cursing and working together thing and what I meant with those and tell him just to reread my first message. He says he doesn't think there's anything we can do and that he tried explaining his view/opinion/feelings and it's just not getting through to me. I state that they did and we're on the same page about it, but he's misunderstanding me and what I think and I'm trying to fix the root problem, the misunderstanding, so we can fix the aftermath. No response for two hours, I message asking what he wants to do going forward. No response for another hour, I message saying I would appreciate him saying something tonight please, even if it's an I don't know and that I understand needing space, but I just don't have the emotional capacity for silence from the last fight recently. He responds three hours later, about 6pm, saying he doesn't know and that it felt like I was yelling at him and that he was in trouble from how I was saying things. I try to apologize and state that was never my intention, I would never do that because I view him as an equal, I'm sorry that I hurt him, and ask if there was anything specifically that I said that made him feel that way just so I can change it going forward. He replies almost two hours later saying which messages and why. I thank him for telling me and that I'll be more aware going forward. I then ask if there's anything that I could do to make him feel more safe with me right now and he never responded to that. That last message I sent was 25 hours ago now and it's just been radio silent on his end.

I'm not great at apologies, I try my best but I'm still learning. I also have a lot of trauma regarding silence, so silence freaks me out for a few reasons. Due to that I also struggle with being too pushy, probably a fear of abandonment response, I'm aware of it and I'm doing my best. He is aware of my past traumas including with silence, there were numerous separate occasions it was discussed before this week. I'm not as aware regarding his childhood ones, I think he's still realizing a lot of them.

The first fight made me feel like I was a little kid who dropped a glass cup and it shattered all over the floor and dad went to talk to mom to discuss what to do with me now because I broke it. So I'm left just standing in the kitchen surrounded by glass while hearing their muffled talking and I'm not sure what's going on. Just waiting to see how in trouble I am with no idea when I find that out.

The second fight takes me back to growing up and how my mother and brother never understood what I was saying no matter how many different ways I phrased it, or used metaphors, or tried to relate it to their experiences. It's like someone asking you what your favorite color is and you say green, but they hear grey, and you try to correct them that it's green, but they still hear grey and now they don't care for the actual answer and view you as a grey person. Like there's only so many times I can say the same idea without just wanting to give up and cave in on myself.

My entire life I've struggled tremendously with talking to other people because they don't understand what I'm saying because audibly it isn't clear enough or they don't understand based on the words/phrasing I used. He and I have never had communication issues before or misunderstandings or anything like this. Not even on a small scale. He understands me so well it's like him reading a book, sometimes he understands what I do before I even understand! If we don't understand each other we also always ask each other questions and there was never any pressure or judgement. Plus now I've hurt him, unintentionally of course, and I just feel terrible for that because that's the last thing I wanted to do. I'm very confused at the same time though because I thought I was talking the same way I always do, so how did he get that interpretation?

So I don't know what to do if I can even do anything. Like I'm assuming he wants space since he isn't saying anything, but how much space is too much? Is that even a thing? I know that I can't make him talk to me, so it's nothing of that nature that I'm thinking of.

I know my thresholds for silence and it's kinda small right now not gonna lie, but I also don't want to say anything that could pressure him. Additionally, I can't fix things if I don't know what's going on and am just in the dark again. Then also he hurt me a lot too, but I feel like if I mention my issues at any point where we aren't back to normal then me bringing it up will make stuff worse. I don't want to bury the feelings I have either or go too long without discussing things because it will build resentment on my end. Just a lot of anxiety/trauma brain thought routes.

I just feel stuck. I could have gone about things better in some ways for sure at least. I also don't mind if I'm wrong, but I would like to know how I'm wrong so I can learn from it. I'm still unlearning a lot of toxic behaviors I was surrounded by growing up, it's a process and a lot of them are quieter than others to notice. We each have our struggles, and a lot of those we're learning exist in that moment, so I really want to figure this out. I love him a lot and I want to fix this.

This is where we ended up at. I'm sorry for the rambling and this being way above Reddit's pay grade, thank you very much for reading. What would you do in my shoes?

Okay this might sound a little childish but I feel uncomfortable sometimes being scolded all the time he scolds me for
- studying and tring to switch company (Ik it's for my good)
- for going to the gym (again good ik)
- having healthy, not having food outside
- scolds me for not pushing and motivating him harder (?)
- recently also got scolded for not watching stranger things lol (he literally screamed saying wtf is wrong with you)
Idk it's uncomfortable, Ik for my good but is this how it'll be? Am I overreacting?
Tldr; bf keeps scolding me all the time

TLDR: I can’t stop thinking about a friend instead of my girlfriend

I (M25) have been dating my current partner (F24) for a little over three years. We met through college athletics and ran on the same D1 track and field college team together. I came in as a grad transfer as my current partner was then a senior. My current partner has a close friend (F 22) who was 19 at the time of us meeting and is currently 22. Over time I got to know her friend and she has become a close friend of mine too.

Here’s the thing. I am very happy in my relationship but I can’t stop thinking about my partners friend. My girlfriend is very pretty, sweet, and really supports me. The issue is that we don’t share many hobbies together as I’m quite a nerd and she’s what I’d call pretty bland (watches TikTok and Netflix all day). Our friend however has a lot more shared interests with me. She is nerdy and I feel like I vibe with her sometimes better than my own girlfriend. Our friend is what I’d say very beautiful. Like mesmerizing, and honestly very similar to me personality wise. Sometimes even during sex I’m thinking about the friend instead of my girlfriend.

I have never cheated and I don’t see myself ever doing it, but I can’t stop thinking about our friend. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t want to throw away years in a relationship just for something that might not work out. What should I do?

Any advice is appreciated.

UPDATE: I took every comment deep into my heart & wasted no time. Last night I left and told two of my trusted friends. Obviously he did not react well but I got out of there immediately and blocked him on everything. I feel heavy in my chest but only because I hope he changes himself. Not for me but so he can give himself a better life. Thank you everybody for your overwhelming support and guidance. 🩷

TLDR; My (21M) boyfriend and I have a relationship that looks great from the outside, but behind closed doors we have a lot of unhealthy and hurtful patterns. I know I’m not perfect and have developed unhealthy reactions too, but I’m struggling to understand how I got here and whether I should leave.

I honestly don’t even know how to start this because I’ve spent so long keeping this relationship a secret from the people who love me.

My friends and family love him. He’s shown up for my friends and family, spent time with them, and from the outside there really isn’t anything that would make someone think something is seriously wrong.

But behind closed doors, this relationship has become something completely different. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time. I kept telling myself things would change, that he had a bad childhood, that he has anger issues, that he doesn’t know how to communicate, that there’s a good person underneath all of it, and that if I was patient enough maybe he would eventually figure himself out.
I’m starting to realize that understanding why someone treats you badly doesn’t mean you have to keep accepting it.

My boyfriend has an anger problem, and when he’s angry, he can be incredibly cruel to me. He calls me names, curses at me, tells me I’m annoying, tells me I’m a nightmare to be around, calls me a parasite, tells me I ruin his life, tells me he doesn’t care about me, tells me to shut up, yells my face, physically pushes me away when hes mad at me & much more.
One time, he told me he was going to call me before bed. It got late, so I eventually called him myself. He told me he’d fallen asleep. I said something like, “Oh, you forgot to call me hahah!” (Very light hearted) and he responded that “clearly he doesn’t give a fuck” because otherwise it would have been on his mind and he would have called me.

There have been so many arguments where I genuinely don’t even understand how we got there. He becomes angry out of no where and suddenly I’m defending myself against accusations about how I’m manipulative, toxic, a gaslighter, annoying, or impossible to be around. Somehow the conversation almost always ends with me apologizing.

He has also told me that I’m “70% toxic” and that he’s only “30%” of the problem. When I told him I didn’t think relationships should be about keeping score like that, he became angry that I wouldn’t agree with him and kept telling me to admit that he was right. And to go stand in the corner and tell him he’s right???

He will threaten to leave me or tell me he wants nothing to do with me, tell me I’ve ruined his life, tell me I’m terrible, and then later that same day or the next day he’ll act completely normal and loving again.

Another time, after telling me I was a parasite and that he wanted nothing to do with me, he told me to take him home. When we got there, he suddenly asked me to come inside. (Im silly & i went in) We ended up laughing and having a completely normal time together. Then his mood changed again and he started making little comments designed to upset me. If I didn’t react, he’d keep poking at me until I did. If I don’t give him a reaction to the things he says to me, he keeps going until he breaks me and then he tells me I’m being emotional and “what am I crying for this time?”

That cycle has happened so many times that I don’t even know how to explain it anymore.

And I want to be fair here, because I know I’m not perfect.

I come from a very cookie cutter life. I have a perfect family that comes from wealth, I have perfect friends, and I have just always been in a very happy, bubbly, and healthy environment. I have a great education, amazing job & easy living situation. I really do have it all and I'm extremely thankful everyday. I’ve never been in any sort of toxic situation, I’ve never yelled at a partner, cursed at them or done anything silly like that. In my head, a relationship, especially at this age, is meant to just make life easier and more fun. I take extreme pride in the fact that I am a very self-aware, kind and loving person and I’m so lucky to have people around me who reinforce those behaviors and see me that way.

In this relationship, I’ve yelled back. I’ve cursed back. I’ve said “I’m done” during arguments when I didn’t actually want the relationship to end. I’ve become defensive and emotional. There was one night where I was so upset by the way he was treating me that I said I was leaving. I went to my car and drove nowhere because I was too upset, and eventually I fell asleep in my car. Hours later, I went back inside because I was exhausted and needed somewhere to sleep. I know that’s not healthy behavior.

I’ve done things in this relationship that I don’t recognize as myself. I’ve become rude and reactive in ways I’ve never been with the people closest to me. I hate who I have become and I feel so miserable every single day. And that’s actually one of the things that scares me the most.

I’ve told him this. I’ve literally told him that I feel like I’m losing myself and becoming someone I don’t recognize. Sometimes, when he’s calm, he’ll admit it. He’ll tell me that he has anger issues. He’ll say that he blows things out of proportion and doesn’t understand why he thinks the way he does. He’ll tell me he doesn’t want me to feel like I’m losing myself. There are moments where I genuinely see a softer version of him and think, “There is the person I know is in there.”

But then his mood changes, and it’s like none of that exists anymore. He goes right back to telling me I’m the problem. That’s what makes this so confusing to me.

I don’t think he’s some cartoonishly evil person. I actually have a lot of compassion for him. He’s told me about having anger issues and problems with his behavior long before he met me. I genuinely think there are things going on inside of him that he needs to work through. But I also think I’ve used his past as an excuse for his present behavior for far too long.
I can understand why someone became the way they are without accepting being treated that way. I can have compassion for him without sacrificing myself for him. I can hope he gets help without being the person who stays around and gets hurt while he figures it out.

And yet I’m still here. I think part of me is a pushover. Part of me keeps waiting for him to finally understand. Part of me feels sorry for him. Part of me keeps thinking about the person he could become if he actually dealt with his issues. And part of me has stayed because this is my first relationship where I’ve ever actually been in love, and I don’t know how to navigate leaving something that I once cared about so deeply. When the topic of a ending things arises, I just feel so heartbroken and so sad and I know it’s not the end of the world, but of course it’s hard.

I’ve also kept all of this secret because I’m terrified of what happens when I finally tell people. I know my friends and family. If they knew everything I’ve just written, I don’t think they would ever want me around him again.

I’ve spent so much time wondering whether I’m actually the problem because he has convinced me that I am. I know I’m difficult sometimes. I know I can be annoying. I know I can overreact. I know I have made mistakes in this relationship. But I also know who I am outside of this relationship. The people who know me best would never describe me the way he does. And I’ve started wondering whether that’s because I’m secretly a terrible person who everyone else somehow failed to notice… or because this relationship is bringing out a version of me that I don’t recognize. Part of my head thinks I'm such a young girl and I have a great life ahead of me and this isn't something worth stressing about and holding onto.... but obviously, another part of me is human and I just have emotions and it all sounds really stupid, but at the end of the day it still feels hard..

I don’t want this post to be “my boyfriend is evil and I’m perfect.”

I’m not. I want someone to actually tell me what they see here. Because when I’m inside this relationship, everything becomes so confusing. I can acknowledge my own mistakes while still knowing that some of the things happening to me aren’t normal.

I think I’ve been trying to prove that I’m compassionate enough to understand him, patient enough to wait for him, and loving enough to help him become the person I think he could be. But maybe none of that is my responsibility.
This is what my relationship has actually been like.

Am I seeing this clearly? Is this emotional/verbal abuse, or am I minimizing my own behavior and refusing to take accountability for my part? And if you’ve been in something similar, how did you finally find the strength to leave?

I want an outside perspective, even if it’s uncomfortable.

So my boyfriend [21m] and I [19F] of almost 2 months of dating and 4 1/2 months of exclusive talking are currently in a long distance relationship because he went almost 6 hours away to college and I’m at home. I’m going to go see him in two days because we miss each other, and we’ve been trying to plan other days/times that he’ll be home. The two of us have really been looking forward to winter break because he’ll be able to come home and we’ll get to experience Christmas together and such. Additionally, he’ll have the whole summer off for us to do things.

However, last time we talked, he was like “I’m not sure if I’m going to spend Christmas here or in Portugal” (he is from another country. And I got a little upset because we were looking forward to spending Christmas together. Also, he’s looking to play with a semi-professional sports team 2.5 hours away from his home (in America) and drive up there 3 times a week during the summer. So it went from “we’ll make this work.” To “I now have other things that are going to keep me busy during winter and summer break.” We’re already working through long distance, and I feel like those two things are hindering our relationship even more.

TLDR My boyfriend [21M] and I [19F] of almost two months are currently long distance. In the breaks I thought we’d have to be able to see each other, he’s filling them with other plans.

Me and my girl have been together for around 5-6 months now. Shes the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We get along so well and we do a lot together.

Recently, she’s been going through some personal issues. Hormone imbalances, leaving her job, feeling like she has no purpose. She’s always had a self destructive tendency as she says even since she was a child. She’s only recently started letting me into her mind to tell me what she’s going through.

But the way it rubs off, it does so on me. I get one word reply’s, she isn’t interested in calling, she doesn’t want to eat, doesn’t want to have sex. Which is completely fine to me because sex is the least of my worries. But I can tell this isn’t her, because that wasn’t who I met for the first time. It’s like I’ve seen the light slowly leave her eyes over the past 6 months.

I’ve told her I’m here for her through it. Because I do believe that if we get through this we can get through anything together. But at what point does it become too much? When do I make the hard decision, and how?

TLDR: my gf of 6 months is acting off not being the girl she used to be and it’s because of personal issues. How do I make the right decision for both of us?

my boyfriend [18M] and I [18F] have been together for 4 years (end of 8th grade to now, the summer after senior year) and now we are both going to college. we are only going to college about 25-30 minutes apart from each other, and both within an hour of home. however, i am extreeeemely clingy and find it difficult to do really anything without him. even in high school we were in almost all the same clubs, same classes, etc, and we got bullied for it a lot. i know this is obviously an issue and i need to learn how to live on my own. he has been at school for 5 days now and i haven’t moved into college yet and i have had multiple breakdowns over missing him, being scared of what im gonna do without him by my side at school, how im going to make friends, etc. i also have some mental health issues that make it more difficult but i wont elaborate. i also do not have my license (though im in the process) which means i cant just go visit him whenever i want and it just feels so daunting being almost triple the distance that im used to. i know i sound crazy but just know i am aware and want to figure out how i can exist as my own person, and also not constantly be blowing up his phone. part of it is i am also extremely jealous of where he’s going to school, as it was my first choice but unfortunately i couldn’t afford the tuition and they also stopped offering my major. also as a side note, my boyfriend is genuinely the best person in the world and im so grateful to have him, and he has said multiple times that he is not bothered by my incessant messages, but i feel guilty. sorry for the super longwinded post, but long story short, how can i stop bothering my partner all day everyday and learn to be myself? how can i make friends in college without being introduced through my boyfriend? TIA

TLDR: me [18F] and my boyfriend [18M] are going to different colleges (only 30 mins apart) after being constantly with each other for 4 years. I am having a lot of anxiety and feeling very sad about not having him by my side during college. i need to learn how to maintain a healthy non-codependent relationship and learn to be my own person without him to constantly help me. looking for advice on how to recenter myself in my life and find joy in doing things without him/by myself, as well as maybe how to make friends in college as i usually just meet people through him. TIA.

tldr:
my boyfriend told me its not normal for me to not want physical contact at all times. is it really that weird or is this a valid boundary to have?

me and my boyfriend (together for about 10 months) have a great relationship for the most part. hes very sweet and thoughtful (and this is coming from a male-sceptical woman - im not blinded by love), which is why i dont get why he doesnt understand this, or at least tries to.

i have this thing where i sometimes dont want to be touched, could last for like a day or two, either comes at random times or if something has happened. any physical contact will just overwhelm me, makes me kinda mad and i just wanna scratch my skin off. idk what it is, but its a boundary that i have, which i told him about at the start of our relationship. he on the other hand is very touchy (his way of showing love ofc).

problem is he doesnt really respect me when i say no. weve had multiple arguments about it, but it doesnt change. ive tried to explain to him how hurtful and frustrating it is that he doesnt listen to me, but he is just as hurt because i dont want to be physical. i personally do not think thats a fair comparison. my problem is that this is about my bodily autonomy and boundaries. his problem is that he cant get comfort from being physical.

i brought this up with him cause ive had a couple of my non touch days again and it really bothered me when he wont let me be. hell kiss on me and i lean away and say please not now, 10 minutes later he tries again. its exhausting, and i feel like i get no time to «recharge» and feel good about it cause he keeps touching me when i dont want it. and here come my main issue, he just told me that my boundaries are not normal, that its not normal to not want to be physical with your partner all the time. «do you think other people in relationships do this?» excuuuse me. he said he expects his girlfriend to want that, just like he does himself.

to me it just feels like he thinks hes entitled to my body just because im his girlfriend.
hes kind of guilttripping me by saying he wants to do it cause he loves me, and that he has had a stressfull couple of days and it bothers him that he cant touch his own girlfriend (even tho he STILL does). and ive tried to cater to his needs and be there for him with small physical gestures. and if he does avoid touching me (for a little while) he acts like hes doing me some favor and is sacrificing his own wants and needs.

anyways if anyone could please enlighten me on if this is a normal boundary to have or if im being unreasonable. i personally think its totally valid. sorry if this is very long

My girlfriend went to dinner with a female friend. Afterwards, they decided to meet up with the friend's fiance, who also had another friend "Jeff" with him visiting the city for the weekend. Long story short, they all know each other from working together in consulting and turns out, my girlfriend and Jeff hooked up with one another several times in the past. When she told me about their evening, she first mentioned him only as their mutual friend from their consulting days but sort of snuck in the fact later that they hooked up previously. I was invited to the events that evening, just declined, so I don't think she had any bad intentions for that evening, nor do I have any reason to think anything happened. But several factors are nagging at me.

1. Her first inclination seemed to be just calling him a friend and not disclosing the fact they have a sexual history.
2. Just in general, I don't find it overly appropriate where she is in a setting where it's another couple and then just her and a single male who she has a sexual history with, especially with alcohol fueling the events. At minimum, if she finds herself in that situation organically, I think she needs to be disclosing that to me ASAP. I didn't even know it was a possibility or that there was any potential for contact at all with any prior sexual partners.

How would you approach this situation if you were me? My current thought is to express clearly what I described above and that I don't find that situation appropriate, but not really take things further than that this time.

TLDR; Girlfriend got drinks with a small friend group including someone with a prior sexual history and wasn't forthcoming about it.

I like a girl but im nervous to talk to her

I need some advice. When I was in school, I really liked a girl but was too nervous to talk to her. So I never did anything to progress. Both of us have now graduated as of may and i moved tonthe next state over. At the start of the summer I decided I wanted to try to talk to her. So I texted one of your mutual friends and asked them their thoughts about it. They gave me her snap and told me to try to talk to her. So I added her but then got too nervous again and just started sending wall, ceiling, and corner of face snaps. Now months later we have a good snap streak going but I haven't texted her even once since adding her. I get social anxiety and dont like talking to girls but at the same time I really like her and want to talk to her. But im also questioning if i really want to do long distance or id she even will like me back. Does anyone have any advice? And if you think I should text her, how should I go about it.

TLDR: I really like a girl but im nervous to talk to her. Whats your advice?

TLDR: My boyfriend and I have been together 1.5 years, and I feel like his family is very involved in our relationship—frequent visits, invitations, and FaceTimes. I love his family, but I want more couple-only time and for him to be able to say no to family plans without guilt. Am I expecting too much?

My boyfriend (25M) and I (25F) have been dating for 1.5 years and live together. I’m struggling with how involved his family is in our relationship, and I’m not sure if I’m asking for a reasonable amount of space or if I’m being unfair.
His parents live about 10 minutes away and are constantly inviting him/us over or FaceTiming. If they invite us somewhere, it often feels like we immediately drop what we’re doing to go, even if we already have plans. He can even get annoyed when our plans mean he can’t go.
I want to be clear that I don’t dislike his family. I like them and want to have a good relationship with them. I just don’t feel like I should have to see them multiple times a week or every weekend.
I’m very close with my own parents. They live 4 hours away, so I see them about 4–5 times a year. I text them frequently and maybe call once a week. We’re still very close, so I think we just have different ideas of what family closeness looks like.
During track season, I was coaching almost every day and Saturdays were taken up all day, so Sunday was my only real day to rest and have time to myself. My boyfriend has said I “rarely see” his family, which really bothered me because I wasn’t avoiding them—I genuinely didn’t have the time.
Since the end of June, I’ve seen his grandma 2–3 times, his parents 5–6 times, and we’ve even gone camping with them. There have also been weekends where we had dinner with them Friday and then they wanted us again Saturday.
We’re currently on a couples trip out of the country, and this really brought the issue out. We spent the whole day together, but as soon as we got back to the hotel, he FaceTimed his mom. After a fancy dinner, he FaceTimed his sister, and he’s even called them during dinner to show them our food. The calls are only 10–15 minutes, so I know it’s not objectively a huge amount of time, but it feels like every time we have downtime, his first instinct is to call his family.
I finally told him I’d like him to call them less while we’re here because it makes me feel like I’m sharing our vacation with his family instead of it just being ours. He actually didn’t realize I felt this way and said he’d work on it, which I appreciate.
I don’t want him to be distant from his family. I just want him to be able to say “we already have plans” or “we’ll see you another time” without feeling guilty or annoyed. I want us to have some weekends and experiences that are just ours.
Am I being unreasonable? How involved are your partner’s families in your relationships, and can you be very close with family while still having strong boundaries?

we’ve been together for a year and a half and she gets into moods where she tries to bait me into an argument and when i don’t engage, she tells me she’s miserable, that we’re not right for each other, and to call my mom to come get me or she’s gonna call her for me. i don’t have the best relationship with my mom but i know that she would let me live with her.

my gf will ignore me when i want to talk about our issues and will literally walk out of the room but when she’s clearly trying to bait me into an argument and i do the same as her and i tell her to leave me alone, she tells me to get out. i stay respectful when i try to communicate because i really want her to listen to me.

some examples of her trying to bait me is saying the same thing over and over and when i say “please stop” she has to say it one last time to show me who’s boss i guess lol

what’s strange is she will go about a week or two without arguing and is super close with me, and she’s so loving. then she’ll become distant, and then about 3-4 times weve been together will tell me to leave. she knows i don’t want to live with my mother. the day after threatening to kick me out she will apologize and tell me she’s not actually miserable.

i also have bpd and she does these things just to get some entertainment out of my emotions or something which is something i’ve dealt with with many people including my family which is why idk what to do.
when i argue back, she wants me here. when i don’t she wants me to leave.

idk what to do 😭😭 do i go to a homeless shelter? do i stay with my mom and deal with the same shit? do i stay and see if she will get therapy? HELP

TLDR: my gf tries to bait me into an argument/get a rise out of me and when i tell her to stop she says she’s miserable with me and she tells me to call my mom to come get me or she will. the next day she acts like nothing happened.