r/relationshipadvice

Every Wednesday since the latest season of survior aired, me and my buddy have a tradition where we go to his dorm and we have 3-4 beers while watching the new episode. I usually leave feeling pretty buzzed but never anything more, however last night however I had brought some whiskey and we each had two shots along with our normal amount of beers. I had let my gf take a nap in my dorm while I was out and when I came back I just wanted to hop on the game for a bit and knock out. After playing for a bit started getting touchy and gave me head while I was playing for a bit before laying back down. After I finished up the level I told her something along the lines of "man I really shouldn't be playing tactical games when I'm drunk" and then she said
"You're drunk?" And I said "yeah I had some shots with my buddy and our beers." After that I told her I was tired so I turn off the game and rolled over to go to bed. However she kept touching me and one thing lead to another and she ended up on top of me. After a bit though I told her I was tired and asked her to stop which she did. She then apologized and left and when I woke up this morning she had sent like 5 messages saying how guilty she felt and stuff along those lines. I don't fault her for the first part because she didn't know I was drunk but it's after the fact that she continued knowing I was drunk and tired that's messing with me. We’ve been together for 2 1/2 years and I love her so much, but it doesn’t feel the same after that, Idk i’m not sure how to explain. How do I handle this with her and where do we go from here?

TLDR: My gf might have sexually assaulted me and I wondering where our relationship goes from here

My girlfriend and I have been a couple for more than 4 years now. She is a university student and I’m working as a journalist. Her studies aren’t going so well which is only partially her fault. Most of the university stuff is not designed in favor of the students. For almost 2 years now she has been trying to get her first degree in law but because of the troubles the deadline for her diploma always keeps getting pushed back almost half a year. The problem is that after the diploma she needs to do a traineeship. The location of that is given by the state and highly dependent on her mark which is famously impossible to get good.

We can agree that when the traineeship is due and she needs to move to another city, that we want to move in together. Because of that I’ve been holding back with significantly changing my life in our current city, because I’ve been wishing for her to succeed every time the deadline got set back another half year. 

Over that time I’ve become increasingly frustrated and unhappy with my job, my social life and my living situation (I am in a shared apartment). The process of changing, finding and getting rid of a new job or flat would almost take as long as the intermediary time would take until we'd move for the traineeship.

This year something changed though. After the couple last setbacks in her study, we decided to move in together in her apartment to get rid of my living situation and the stress of never knowing when moving to another city comes into effect. When the time came to make arrangements and I already announced to my roommates that I was moving out three months upfront (which is mandatory), she came forward and declined moving in together. She told me that she felt pressured and was never up for moving into an already occupied apartment by one of us. 

We had a really nasty argument, because I felt quite betrayed. I had already cancelled my apartment and we also found follow up tenants for me. I told her that I understand her feelings and that those are valid, but she should and could have told me. So that I wouldn't have made plans to move out. 

She never really understood my point of view and told her family and friends that I tried to pressure her into moving in together, because I would think that it’s time now. Although I would’ve been fine with living on my own and waiting if the situation would’ve been different. I don’t mind that her studies aren’t reliable and would’ve been fine with waiting and putting my problems aside. But I always thought that I could’ve relied on her to also take some of that burden and help me out if the need arises.

In the end we decided to postpone the problem to February/ May of 2027 when we’ve had a clearer picture of her future and pleaded with my roommates to stay in my shared flat, to which they agreed under the restriction that I had to move out in May 2027 for the next tenant.

I decided to work a bit more to save some money in case she would again decide to not move in together and asked for changes in my Job. So that I could reliably search for something myself and look at the relationship only on an emotional level. And I’ve communicated that. To which she agreed, that we would then move in together and she would try to repair the trust in her.

Now the time has come for my current problem: She told me that she needs to stay here for another year. I told her that I would be fine with that and asked her how we would move on from there. She told me that she would still like to move in together when the traineeship comes but until then rather not. To which I responded that I am disappointed and hurt to hear that.

We’ve talked again and I tried to explain, that I think it’s unfair, that I am the only one who has to bear this negative development and by moving alone having to buy new stuff which im missing (Kitchen, washing machine, etc.), paying a rental deposit and having to agree upon a minimum rental agreement of 2 years (which is quite common here). And then having to do that although only partially again.

My point is essentially, that if we want to continue the relationship together, I don’t want to bear the responsibility and cost of moving several times in 1 to 2 years without my own influence alone. And that in case to trust her, that she keeps her future word to move in together and keep the relationship going, that I need her to share the burden of the circumstances and the living situation now, after the last incident.

I’m really at a loss here and don’t know how to proceed. I’m not mad at her for being unsure or uncomfortable about moving in together now, but life isn't always how we want it to be and what is mild discomfort for here, are really big problems for me, that have actually worsened my mental health. Our relationship apart from that is really good and I see my future with her. But at the same time I can’t  help but feel that I’m being taken advantage of and always having to deal with shared consequences of my own.

So what do you think about the situation? Am I making this worse than it is or do I need to move on?

TLDR: After 4+ years together, my girlfriend keeps postponing moving in together due to her unpredictable law studies, while I’ve repeatedly put my own housing, job, and life plans on hold waiting for our future together. After she backed out of moving in at the last minute and I had to undo my plans, she now wants to postpone again for another year, leaving me facing the financial and practical costs of moving alone and potentially moving again shortly afterward. I understand that she’s uncomfortable with moving in before her traineeship, but I’m struggling with feeling like I’m the only one bearing the consequences of our shared plans—am I being unreasonable, or is it time to stop putting my life on hold? 

Edit: She has not been lying to her friends nor family.

I [28F] and my bf [32M] have been together for 2.5 years and have been living together for 1 year. Before we moved in we spent a lot of quality time together, but I guess that’s because it was always intentional when we met up.

Now that we live together, things are different. We don’t really have planned dates and if we do it’s because I asked or planned it. We work, come home, eat dinner together while watching something on tv (he’s usually scrolling on his phone and then I do too because he is) then he’ll usually play his video games while I watch something else in another room or we’ll watch something on tv while he scrolls on his phone. That is pretty much our life.

I feel like we don’t spend quality time together and I’ve told him this. He gets frustrated when I bring it up because he thinks we “spend enough time together” as we live together. He also is often on his phone while I try to talk to him or say something, even when I’m venting my concern about this. He’ll put the phone down if I start getting heated or he’s getting frustrated.

I know we should have our own time together, and I don’t care that he plays games every night, but it’s starting to feel like we’re just housemates? He thinks I’m asking too much. I literally asked him if he thought we spent quality time together and he said “yes we live together”. To him, the idea of literally living in the same house is time spent together.

I’m starting to feel alone and like a housemate in the background rather than a partner. I’m scared to ask him to spend one on one time or talk to him because his lack of attention or focus on me feels pretty awful. He’s been working a lot lately which is fine and I respect he wants down time, but I genuinely think if I stop asking to watch a movie together or hang out together then it’ll never happen.

What should I do? How can I incorporate quality time on a smaller scale (cheap/short time bursts) so that he doesn’t feel like I’m asking for too much?

TLDR - bf thinks we spend enough time together because we live together, whereas I don’t think we spend enough quality time together. He’s often either playing video games or scrolling on his phone, and he thinks me physically being in the vicinity doing something else or going on my phone as well is “quality time”.

So I [27M] and my girlfriend [24F] have been dating for 5 years with some challenges in between but have been going amazing up until last month

The most recent issue that has caused me to spiral is me and her have been talking about marriage and moving in and it as they get closer I feel like she has become hesitant saying things such as “ I don’t want to hate my husband” “ I don’t know why, but you tick me off so easily” and has recently started acting quite rude to me however when it finally comes down to the point of me almost leaving she always cries and apologizes and says the nicest things to me

Things were looking good again however something “small” that just happened has sent me into a depression and contemplating everything

Tldr: My card was being fraudulently used and they took over $400 so i call to cancel and for the time being i have no money available till my new card comes in

I ask my girlfriend if i can use her card till my new card arrives (for food, drinks, gas) and she says “i dont want you having my card” then i say i will zelle you and she says “i have no money so no”

Now I know shes not rich however she has well over
$$$$ available after all her bills are paid currently and we are even planning a trip within 2 weeks. And her denial to my request of help honestly has shattered my heart

I feel like we should be a team and even when i have no money or less than $100 in my account i would not hesitate for a second to help her out.

Maybe i am overthinking but i just need some advice on how to navigate this current situation and if the signs are there that i am refusing to see

There is obviously so much more however its crazy how this is whats tipping me to a breaking point

tldr - Over the 3 months weve been official, Ive been feeling like my boyfriend has been putting in less effort, although he claims to just be busy.

For some background, we’re both in our 20s and met at college. We’ve been dating for 8 months, and official for 3. The first few months of dating were perfect - he was sweet, thoughtful, respectful and did everything right. He was open with his feelings and communicated very well, which are two things that are very important to me.

We both had a pretty full schedule, but would see each other every weekday at school and sometimes on weekends. School ended in April, and he landed a full time job. I also worked a part time, often less hours than him. At first, things continued as normal. We would see each other occasionally throughout the week, and always on weekends. He would check in on his lunch, and various times throughout the day if we weren’t seeing each other. Usually, we would talk on the phone or play games once a week as well. Knowing that he was very busy, it felt good that he was making an effort to make time for me.

The first red flag I spotted was in July. After slowly dating for months, there was no talk about us becoming official or getting more serious. To be completely fair, I hadn’t said much about it either, but was used to him taking the lead up until this point with us progressing. I sat him down and asked about it, and he said that he assumed I had wanted to move slow since I hadn’t mentioned anything. What bothered me was that this talk took place in public and he immediately asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told him the pressure didn’t need to be on him to be the one to make it official; I just wanted to know where we were at. I also mentioned that if he did want to ask me, I would prefer it to not be immediately after I had asked him what we are. A week or so later, he got me flowers, asked me again and we officially became a couple.

Throughout the summer, I started noticing little things. He stopped frequently texting me on his lunch breaks, and we started seeing each other less. By this point week days were pretty much ruled out, due to him being tired after work. We would still see each other on weekends, but instead of it being every weekend like before, he would now make plans with friends and sometimes was too busy all weekend. We had talked about planning a short trip and I had mentioned it over a dozen times, asking when he was free so we could book but it ended up taking over a month to confirm the date. Around this time, I sat him down and had a talk with him about how I felt. I let him know I felt like he was putting in less effort, and although it was early in our relationship, I was confused on why it felt like things had changed. He told me that he hadn’t noticed, and would work on it.

Around August, not much had changed. His work hours and workload have been the same since his job started. I noticed that he started spending more time with friends, which did not bother me but it was the fact that a lot more of his “available days” (usually the weekend) were now filled with hangouts with them. I will add that we live half an hour apart, while his friends are in his city. The distance was never a problem, as I was more than willing to come to him rather than him driving to me after a long day. Our phone calls became more infrequent, usually once every two weeks. We used to text often, but his responses are a lot slower than they used to be. If he was busy on the weekend, we would sometimes see each other once during the week but only for a few hours since he needed to get up early. By the end of summer it had dropped to once a week, sometimes a week and a half.

In September, he started going to the gym three times a week. By this point, he would see his friends most weekends and usually once on a weekday, even though it was rare for us after s work day. I have brought up my concerns multiple times, letting him know that I don’t have a problem with him being busy, but with the amount of effort seeming to drop. He has repeatedly said he doesn’t feel like things have changed and he would work on it.

Now in current time, I am just utterly confused. When we spend time together, things are still amazing but when we’re apart, I feel as though I’m on the back burner. I’m starting to feel crazy, because on paper he’s been a great boyfriend apart from this issue. There are moments where I wonder if I’m just reading too much into things. We went on the trip we had planned, and spent two days together. We also recently met each other’s families.

I think it’s important to mention that throughout this whole time, I don’t think my efforts have changed. I still do the little things - I love to cook, and will surprise him with food. Although I also can get busy with work, friends and family, I have always made time for him. By this point, I am often the one asking to make plans (in person, phone calls, playing games) and am frequently met with him being busy or tired from work. It feels as though he fills his schedule up, and I receive what little time is left over. I’m not sure how to proceed. I really like the guy, but am starting to feel like its not worth it anymore.

I [25F] and my girlfriend [26F] have been together for five years. We were extremely close and, for most of our relationship, things were honestly great. We were that couple among our friends. We loved spending time together, rarely fought, and I genuinely thought we'd be together long-term.
Exactly one year ago, she moved abroad for her master's degree, and we've been long-distance ever since.
We knew it would be difficult, but I don't think either of us understood how difficult. She has also been dealing with depression and loneliness since moving, and I have tried to support her from here, but I know there were times when what I was doing wasn't enough.
A few months ago, things started getting noticeably worse. I was planning to visit her in July, but in the weeks before my trip, she told me she felt like we'd become very distant and that for the previous couple of months she didn't even feel like she had a girlfriend.
During one of our conversations over text, she said maybe we should take a break. I told her I didn't think we should make such a huge decision right before I came to visit and that we should talk about everything face-to-face first. She agreed.
A few days later, she told me she didn't even feel like she was missing me. That really hurt me, partly because of things I'd experienced in a previous relationship, although she apologized when she saw my reaction. She said some of the emotional numbness was a side effect of medication she was taking and that of course eshe would feel differently when she saw me. Another side effect was that she had become very dependent on my responses and felt especially neglected when I didn't reply quickly.
When I finally visited, things initially felt much better. We'd obviously missed each other, and being physically together again made it feel like we had found each other again.
But there was one conversation during that visit that completely changed the direction of our relationship.
She told me she wanted to suggest something but was afraid I'd get angry. Eventually she brought up opening our relationship.
This was a huge shock to me because we had both always been very firmly monogamous. Neither of us had ever wanted an open relationship before. Her reasoning wasn't that she'd met someone else; she said she was lonely and missed physical affection and intimacy while being abroad.
Eventually, we agreed to try it. It's still very new to me, and I'm not sure how I feel about it even now.
There was another issue underneath all of this that kept coming up: she felt like I wasn't putting enough effort into making it possible for us to eventually live together. She felt that if I really wanted us to stay together, I would have either moved abroad with her or made plans to move and continue my studies there.
I understand why she feels that way, but I also don't think it's completely fair. I had my own circumstances, university, finances, and responsibilities here, and moving countries wasn't as simple for me as just deciding that I wanted to be with her. But it has been something i was moving towards, since staying in our homophobic, developing country is not the end goal of mine.
The difficult part is that I started noticing something in myself too.
When I visited her, especially toward the end of the trip, I sometimes felt like I wasn't as attracted to her as I used to be. I feel horrible even writing that because I love her and because I remember how inseparable we were.
I don't know whether that was because of everything that had happened between us, the resentment and uncertainty, the long distance, the constant relationship talks, or whether something in me genuinely changed.
Fast forward to now.
She is currently visiting and has been here for two days, and I still haven't seen her.
Unfortunately, I am working night shifts this week. She arrived around 2am on Thursday, and I worked that day and the next. We had Sunday and Monday free, though, and had agreed that Sunday would be our day to see each other.
On Sunday, she went to see a movie with a friend and we agreed she would see me afterwards. We'd talked about this plan several times over the previous few days, so I thought it was happening.
I will admit that I wasn't communicating particularly well that day. I had been feeling weird and distant because of some small things that had happened the night before, although I knew they weren't necessarily important.
I got ready and went out, knowing where she was, and basically expected her to text me when the movie was over.
After about two hours, I checked her location and saw that she was at a cafe nearby. I assumed she and her friend had gone there after the movie and that she'd text me soon.
When I finally opened our chat, I saw that she had actually messaged me around 4pm, when the movie was starting, asking what I was doing.
I genuinely hadn't seen it. I was getting ready and wasn't looking at my phone, and I must have dismissed the notification without noticing it.
I asked how long she was going to be at the cafe. Her replies were short, and eventually she told me she would see me the next day and was going to stay at her friend's place that night.
I got really upset and started walking toward the bus stop to go home. I was actually outside near the cafe at this point.
She then texted me saying that I hadn't texted her all day and that she didn't think I was actually going to see her.
I told her I was outside, but that I was going home.
This turned into a much bigger argument than it should have been.
She wanted me to come meet her. I said no because I was already upset and wasn't thinking clearly. She was angry that I had apparently changed my mind about seeing her.
At one point she said she had been trying to call me, but the calls weren't going through. I eventually found out she really had been calling, although I didn't answer when the call finally came through because I was upset.
I sat in a nearby park hoping she would come find me. Looking back, I know that was childish and unrealistic. She could see my location, but I never actually asked her to come get me.
She was very angry and told me that I couldn't behave like this and that what I was doing was childish/manipulative. I genuinely didn't intend to manipulate her, and I was actually confused and hurt hearing that because, in my head, I was trying to explain why I was upset rather than trying to punish her.
Eventually we both went our separate ways.
Later that night, around 11:30pm, I went to her friend's house because I could see her location there. I asked if she could come downstairs for two minutes because I just wanted to see her. She couldn't because she felt uncomfortable coming downstairs in front of her friend's parents, so we ended up texting while I was literally outside.
The conversation became another huge argument. She also brought up that she feels like she is always accommodating me and making compromises for me, and that the one thing she had asked of me was to come see her that day, and I didn't even do that. She also brought up that she had been hoping to see me before my shift started, but I hadn't made that happen either. From her perspective, I apparently couldn't even make the effort to wake up early and see her. This is the same pointing fingers situation because I was thinking she could offer to see me before my shift while she was thinking the same about me. Simular as to when I was expexting a text from her after the movie ended while she was expecting a message from me about meeting. But we had clearly stated that we were meeting...
I can understand why that hurt her. At the same time, I don't think either of us was seeing the other's perspective clearly in that moment. I wasn't intentionally choosing not to see her or trying to make her feel unimportant, but I can see how my actions looked that way from her side.

And this is where I'm struggling the most I guess.
What really bothers me isn't just that we had a stupid miscommunication. It's how easily we seem to be able to hurt each other now.
She can be extremely cold and rude to me when she's angry. I know I wasn't perfect in this situation either. I should have communicated better, I should have called her instead of assuming things, and I shouldn't have refused to see her once we realized what had happened.
But I also feel like I don't recognize us anymore.
We've been together for five years and we basically never fought. Now, after a year of long distance, it feels like everything can turn into an argument. And I find myself constantly holding back things I want to say because I don't want to hurt her or say something cruel in the heat of the moment.
At the same time, I can't pretend I'm completely happy either. I feel distant too.
I don't know whether we're experiencing a terrible period caused by long distance, depression, stress and loneliness, or whether we're slowly becoming people who aren't good for each other anymore.
That's what scares me.
Because we weren't a bad relationship. We weren't constantly fighting. We really were happy for years. Our friends loved us together. We loved being together. We were incredibly close.
And now I'm sitting here wondering if that relationship is already gone and I'm just trying to save the memory of it.
I still love her. I care about her deeply. I don't want to throw away five years because of one horrible year.
But I also don't want to stay in a relationship just because we've been together for five years and because we used to be happy.
So I guess my question is: how do you know when a relationship is going through a genuinely difficult period that can be repaired versus when you've reached the point where you need to let each other go?
Can a relationship that was once this strong actually recover from a year of long distance, emotional distance, resentment and constant miscommunication?
Or is the fact that I'm already questioning my attraction and whether I even want this relationship a sign that something fundamental has changed?
I'm really lost and would appreciate some outside perspective.

[TLDR] My girlfriend [26F] and I [25F] have been together for five years and were extremely close with almost no serious conflict. She moved abroad for her master's a year ago, and long distance, her depression/loneliness, and our inability to be together physically gradually created a lot of distance and resentment. She suggested taking a break and later suggested opening our previously very monogamous relationship. I agreed, but I'm still unsure about it. I also realized during my last visit that my attraction toward her had changed. Now she's visiting me in our country, and before we've even managed to see each other, a small miscommunication turned into a huge argument. We're both hurt, distant, and acting unlike ourselves. I still love her and don't want to give up on five years, but I'm starting to wonder whether we're trying to save something that has already changed. Can this be salvaged, and how do you know when it's time to let go?