My boyfriend [22M] is silent with me [22F] after an argument. How do I handle the silence while we're apart?
TLDR; We got into an argument from misunderstanding what the other was saying, he informed me that he had a trauma response during the argument, and now he's radio silent. Is there anything I can do?
General context: We live 3 hours apart, opposite sides of the state. Both of our cars kicked the bucket within a day of each other a few weeks back, so we haven't seen each other in a bit due to that. I could rent a car and go see him, it wouldn't be my best financial decision ever and who knows if he'd even want that, but it is an option I'm more than willing to do if that could be beneficial. Both of us each also have CPTSD (Childhoods mainly), ADHD, and are most likely somewhere on the spectrum. I am in therapy, I have a session later this week and I'm unable to move it sooner.
What I said above pretty much explains it, but I'll give you the in depth context. This is long, I tried to sum it up, but if you want the billion screenshots I can do that too:
A little less than a week ago he and I had a bit of a misunderstanding. I wasn't in the best headspace, I just felt like I was failing in a lot of areas in my life despite my efforts. After a bit of back and forth, with him reassuring numerous times that he could handle it, I opened up on what I was feeling. He misunderstood what I was trying to say and he said that I was creating a "self fulfilling prophecy" and that I'm just giving up and that worries him about me. We put the conversation to the side and each went to bed because he said he was falling asleep while texting.
The next day we revisited the topic and he still believed that was the case despite me trying to tell him it wasn't and giving examples. He then stated that he didn't say I was giving up; that frustrated and confused me because he literally said the words verbatim. We eventually get to the conclusion that he is a hope based thinker whereas I am past pattern based thinker. He doesn't understand how I think my way at all, just different ways of thinking from how we each grew up. Despite my efforts to explain and put it in ways he could understand, he then decided to call his best friend (B) about it. He says he did it to see what advice B could give since B and I think the same way. The last thing I asked, before he decided to call B, was if we could try to find a middle ground for our different styles? He responded with I don't know yet. A couple hours of just radio silence goes by, I send a message asking if everything is okay, he responds with yes but the talk with B really tired him out so he's going to bed. He then says goodnight I love you, very normal of him to say, but given the context I'm very confused.
We talked the next day and he said he figured it out and through talking to B he realized that what I was saying triggered him into a trauma response. That response was from someone in his past saying similar statements and just traumatic aftermath of that person. He did elaborate on that with me, but it isn't necessary to share the specifics here. I ask him some questions to understand where we stand and he says nothing is changing. I ask again, for the third separate instance, if that topic was too much and he says yes it was. He said normally it wouldn't be, which is why he said it wasn't the other times, but just with his life stuff going on in that moment it was too much. I double checked his emotional boundaries(?) and he says just to ask how much his battery is at that time and everything is still on the table to hear about.
Things started feeling more normal again and less awkward after about a day. I did make a mental note to discuss with him how I'm feeling as a result of that conversation when things settled a bit more. I just felt like being vulnerable and honest was a mistake and was stuck in a high anxiety trauma flight state. I didn't tell him any of that, I actually am surprised I kept it to myself as well as I did, but I did have really bad anxiety while waiting for him to say something. So I made a note to discuss that with him and see what better options there could be going forward once we settled back to ourselves more.
Then a couple days ago stuff went really sideways somehow. We were on the phone talking about a date idea and I was starting to get stuff ready for it. All of a sudden he got really quiet. I ask if he's okay and he says yes, just that B sent him a video. I don't remember the exact context of the video, but it was one of those women hating all men things. He starts ranting about that topic, I feel a bit uncomfortable because I can understand both sides, he asks me to elaborate and I do with specific examples, he says he still doesn't understand, I share more general examples, he shoots down two of them saying they just don't happen and I'm wrong (No more context to that, just that it isn't true and doesn't actually happen. Even when I say one of them I have personally witnessed). I say okay and just pull out one of the most basic examples, I'm trying to build a bridge so it isn't me being defensive yet, and mention how women tend to get scared when men walk behind them. He says men get scared too. I ask for clarification. He says that men get scared when women walk behind them. This confused me because I have never heard of that specifically before. I ask questions just to understand the concept, like why, and every man thinks that way? He says all men are afraid of women walking behind them because those women can jump, rape, and murder them. I'm further confused, just new concept so it'll take me a second, but I don't think or say he's wrong or anything like that just state that I've never heard of that before so it's new to me. Other variations yes, but just not the walking one. The conversation goes for a little bit longer and I notice that I'm irrationally feeling mad and just generally triggered. I tell him we need to pause this discussion, he says okay but he has two more things to say about the topic first, he says his two things, and then we just sit in absolute silence. After a few minutes, I end up saying I have to go but I'll talk to him later.
The things he was saying during that call made me feel like it was one of those "nice guy" conversations where they claim women have no issues and men have it equal if not worse. I was literally questioning my reality and if I just somehow missed all the signs of him being sexist up until this point. I conclude I got triggered and just wasn't properly understanding what he was saying and choose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which how I understood that call is very very different than anything I've ever seen regarding how he is as a person; not even crumbs of that potential existed. I take a nap because my blood pressure is too high and I just won't be able to figure this out with that going on. I wake up after a few hours and message him around 9pm asking if he's awake, no response, I message again around 11pm asking if he's okay, no response. It's a little unusual for him to be asleep by 9, but I don't push it.
He messages around 8:30 the next morning saying he's awake and the conversation starts off very one sided. I ask if he's okay, he says he's thinking about yesterday, I ask if he wants to talk about it and that I was going to ask to have a discussion anyways, and he just jumps right into it. He says he asked other people their thoughts on the situation, to understand if he is just not educated kind of things, and they said they agree with him and don't really understand my side. I state that I think there's misunderstandings on both sides for what was said, state why I felt like I needed to walk away, my interpretation of the conversation wasn't a who's side thing but more so both exist at the same time, and that the who's side do you agree with bothers me because that wasn't my intention in the slightest. There was a bit of back and forth about the who's side thing and him saying he doesn't understand, eventually I just give up on that because it isn't even the main topic and none of the ways I'm phrasing it are getting across. I point blank ask him what he thought I was saying yesterday and what his takeaway was? He says he interpreted it as me saying men are no where equal in any experience to women. I very clearly and simply state my belief, which is that both struggle but women usually in different ways more frequently due to the oppressive system that was built. I cover any possible misunderstanding there might be and state that I wasn't trying to dismiss anything yesterday, or come across like I don't believe men can have issues, just that it was my first time hearing that concept and was trying to understand. I purposefully try to say all of that very simply. Like I covered any potential misinterpretation and was way more in depth than I'm summing up on here. His response was that it feels like I'm trying to backpedal from yesterday and he starts getting defensive and stating how he tries to understand the issues to accommodate the women in his life. I inform him that I'm not trying to backpedal, or discredit/dismiss anything, and that if I responded in a way yesterday that doesn't make sense today it's because I misunderstood him and was in a triggered state. I try to relate my experience in this conversation to his when he went to talk to B, but that just got ignored. To sum up my next response: I ask him to please reread what I said and remember how I am as a person and that I don't know how to fix this disconnect. He gets upset saying that I'm cursing at him, yelling at him, and not wanting to work with him on this. I tell him I didn't say that I didn't want to work with him and that he misread the sentence, I cursed twice and neither were attached to him and I just curse as a person as he very well knows (The two times I cursed was saying and I quote "yesterday triggered the fuck out of me" and "same fucking shit" when referring to the same situation of us getting triggered), and that I'm not yelling at him and that isn't something I would do (I interpret yelling over text as all upper case letters or even exclamation points, which none of what I said had either). He says he's essentially done with the conversation and that he doesn't understand how this blew up how it did. I say he isn't reading my words and that it's flat out and simple with no hidden meanings and then I elaborate on the cursing and working together thing and what I meant with those and tell him just to reread my first message. He says he doesn't think there's anything we can do and that he tried explaining his view/opinion/feelings and it's just not getting through to me. I state that they did and we're on the same page about it, but he's misunderstanding me and what I think and I'm trying to fix the root problem, the misunderstanding, so we can fix the aftermath. No response for two hours, I message asking what he wants to do going forward. No response for another hour, I message saying I would appreciate him saying something tonight please, even if it's an I don't know and that I understand needing space, but I just don't have the emotional capacity for silence from the last fight recently. He responds three hours later, about 6pm, saying he doesn't know and that it felt like I was yelling at him and that he was in trouble from how I was saying things. I try to apologize and state that was never my intention, I would never do that because I view him as an equal, I'm sorry that I hurt him, and ask if there was anything specifically that I said that made him feel that way just so I can change it going forward. He replies almost two hours later saying which messages and why. I thank him for telling me and that I'll be more aware going forward. I then ask if there's anything that I could do to make him feel more safe with me right now and he never responded to that. That last message I sent was 25 hours ago now and it's just been radio silent on his end.
I'm not great at apologies, I try my best but I'm still learning. I also have a lot of trauma regarding silence, so silence freaks me out for a few reasons. Due to that I also struggle with being too pushy, probably a fear of abandonment response, I'm aware of it and I'm doing my best. He is aware of my past traumas including with silence, there were numerous separate occasions it was discussed before this week. I'm not as aware regarding his childhood ones, I think he's still realizing a lot of them.
The first fight made me feel like I was a little kid who dropped a glass cup and it shattered all over the floor and dad went to talk to mom to discuss what to do with me now because I broke it. So I'm left just standing in the kitchen surrounded by glass while hearing their muffled talking and I'm not sure what's going on. Just waiting to see how in trouble I am with no idea when I find that out.
The second fight takes me back to growing up and how my mother and brother never understood what I was saying no matter how many different ways I phrased it, or used metaphors, or tried to relate it to their experiences. It's like someone asking you what your favorite color is and you say green, but they hear grey, and you try to correct them that it's green, but they still hear grey and now they don't care for the actual answer and view you as a grey person. Like there's only so many times I can say the same idea without just wanting to give up and cave in on myself.
My entire life I've struggled tremendously with talking to other people because they don't understand what I'm saying because audibly it isn't clear enough or they don't understand based on the words/phrasing I used. He and I have never had communication issues before or misunderstandings or anything like this. Not even on a small scale. He understands me so well it's like him reading a book, sometimes he understands what I do before I even understand! If we don't understand each other we also always ask each other questions and there was never any pressure or judgement. Plus now I've hurt him, unintentionally of course, and I just feel terrible for that because that's the last thing I wanted to do. I'm very confused at the same time though because I thought I was talking the same way I always do, so how did he get that interpretation?
So I don't know what to do if I can even do anything. Like I'm assuming he wants space since he isn't saying anything, but how much space is too much? Is that even a thing? I know that I can't make him talk to me, so it's nothing of that nature that I'm thinking of.
I know my thresholds for silence and it's kinda small right now not gonna lie, but I also don't want to say anything that could pressure him. Additionally, I can't fix things if I don't know what's going on and am just in the dark again. Then also he hurt me a lot too, but I feel like if I mention my issues at any point where we aren't back to normal then me bringing it up will make stuff worse. I don't want to bury the feelings I have either or go too long without discussing things because it will build resentment on my end. Just a lot of anxiety/trauma brain thought routes.
I just feel stuck. I could have gone about things better in some ways for sure at least. I also don't mind if I'm wrong, but I would like to know how I'm wrong so I can learn from it. I'm still unlearning a lot of toxic behaviors I was surrounded by growing up, it's a process and a lot of them are quieter than others to notice. We each have our struggles, and a lot of those we're learning exist in that moment, so I really want to figure this out. I love him a lot and I want to fix this.
This is where we ended up at. I'm sorry for the rambling and this being way above Reddit's pay grade, thank you very much for reading. What would you do in my shoes?