Avoidant breakup, I'm so confused
Guys I need your help on my situation, been in this sub for a while. Dated a perfect man for 5-6 months and was dumped 2 weeks ago. I'm 27F vs 33M, divorced (they were together for 7y and married 2y)
So I met that one special guy like no one else in December, we talked every single day, everything was perfect: interests, hobbies, intellect, manners, spirituality, amazing sex etc. like where have I danced with you before? energy. We saw each other 1-2 times per week bc of my work schedule and we live 1h away
He never asked me to be his girlfriend, but I felt like I was his woman. Ofc we weren't dating anyone else
2 months later I started noticing that he is slowly getting overwhelmed during our dates and becomes distant. After some time together he appeared very tired, but said that it's ok bc he is quite introverted and just need some time alone and chill. Like he couldn't fully relax with me, I felt his anxiety. But he was always checking in, initiative and respectful
in March we had one great date, then during intimacy he suddenly stopped and I asked what the fuck happened. He said «I like you, but I don't feel anything, I don't quite belong». What a cruel thing to say to a woman, no one deserves this...
We talked a bit and he said it has happened before with ALL of his girlfriends so he dumped them. Also «it's hard to admit, but probably I don't need anyone. It's not you, it's me» shit.
Next day he messaged me: «I've been thinking about it, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm unconsciously transferring my past experiences, which are mostly negative, to my current relationship, and that's not right. I need to think less». I said that I was hurt by his words during intimacy and he answered only «I'm sorry» lol man wtf. Went NC for 2 days
We decided not to end things and «go with the flow» (it was a mistake, he needed to start doing actual work asap but I was blind and hurt. It was a short road to nowhere. God why I understood this only after 2 fucking months)
After that he cancelled two our meetings bc of «lack of resource» Wtf dat means. During one he messaged me all day that he hit the gym, had a great workout, took a long walk and seemed to have perfect energetic day without me. I was pissed off but didn't want to fight
I gave him distance that he needed. Everything seemed ok again. Nudes, cute texts, planning dates, saying he wishes to see me etc. Roughly a week before breakup I noticed a shift in his energy, like he was forcing himself to spend time with me, even though he was ALWAYS initiative
One hour before our next date I got that message «we need to talk». Out of blue. So we talked for like 5 min: «I've come to say goodbye. Do you remember that March situation? It's not getting better, and it's not lighting up inside me. I won't waste your time anymore». Again «it's not you, it's me». I was feeling ill and not ready for this so my answer was «If you've made a final decision, there's nothing to discuss, is there?». He silenced. I have never seen him so pathetic, he was really struggling with this convo. The last thing I said was thanks for these months and he was the only person I could see a future with. It was 2 weeks ago, NC since, still following my socials, didn't block me
It's a fucking rollercoaster! I obviously feel better now but continue to think about it all the time. «What if...» bc there was no proper closure. He really liked me but got overwhelmed despite I never asked too much
He pushed me away several times, clearly said that he has chosen to leave me. But now I regret not having a proper conversation. Seems like he don't understand his avoidant patterns. Everything was so great Lord why do I have to handle this?
I know I shouldn't reach out as a dumpee and I won't. Not now. After some time I would like to ask him for a beer and convo haha I'm so dumb. I want a future with this man so badly, we were mostly perfect together. Still feel that bond. What's your thoughts guys?