Is my mother narcissistic or am I just overthinking?
I am an only child (F23) and my parents are married still going on 30+ Years (F54) and (M55). I have a good home life, I went to college, have a good job that I really enjoy and all together things feel like they really are working out well.
However, I have this consistent tension between my mother and I, which yeah I’d say is normal for a mother and daughter relationship to have stress and tension. However the fights and arguments we end up having feel like very once sided emotional warfare between the two of us.
Ever since I was little, if I did something that she perceived as being wrong or something that hurt her feelings. Instead of actually saying anything to me, she would give me the cold shoulder, shut down and not interact with me beyond quick, short and emotionless responses.
She tends to hold onto things that upset her until I have prompted a response from her multiple times if she was okay or not, usually without me ever being aware of what could have possibly caused this turmoil in the first place. Even when asked “are you okay?” “Did something happen?” She continues to respond “I’m fine.” In a very monotone voice while she refuses to make eye contact, usually just plays a game on her phone while I’m trying to ask if she’s okay.
If I walk away and let it be, she gets upset with me that I “didn’t care enough” but if I keep pushing an answer she also gets upset that I keep asking her.
It 100% of the time turns into a fight where there’s crying, yelling, and so much guilt tripping and I usually end up just sitting there letting her unleash every single thing I’ve apparently hurt her feelings with over the past like 2 weeks.
I’ll ask her to please just tell me when I hurt her feelings rather then holding onto it for so long, that it could be resolved so much quicker without an entire fight if she would just tell me ):
Most of the time it’s such trivial stuff too, like she tried to show me something while I was actively helping my father with something and was not giving her 100% of my attention. I’ll express to her that I’m busy but that I’d like to see it in a moment, and she will get up, leave and then start to sulk until I press the answer out of her, in which it will turn into a whole fight as usual.
I’ve set boundaries before on simple things, like “please don’t make that joke about me anymore.” When she continues to make a joke about something embarrassing I did to all of her friends and our family. I’ll ask her to please stop, (in private, I’m not about calling her out in front of everyone.) and we will get in a fight since she just thought she was being funny, and will immediately go down the path of “because you won’t let me make that joke, I won’t ever make a joke ever again around you about anything at all.”
We constantly go back and fourth on these extremes, she does something that I kindly ask her if she would please not do that anymore, and instead of going “oh yeah I’m sorry I didn’t know you didn’t like that.” It’s “I will never do this or anything even remotely like it ever again if you are around.” And it’s more in the sense of punishing me with it rather than just agreeing not to do it because it makes me uncomfortable.
Example of this, for my graduation, a few days in advanced I had privately spoken to her about taking pictures AT the graduation ceremony. I told her that I was fine with her taking pictures but if we could not turn it into a whole photo shoot then and there.
I was honest with her and told her that I will be overwhelmed and overstimulated with thousands of people around, I’ll have heels on and I’ll be tired and irritable. And that I’d much rather just come back and get pictures another day when it can be much more relaxed.
The day of the event, sure enough I was getting overwhelmed with so many people around me, my mother was ready to get the same photo in 20 different versions, with my cap, without it, with the cap and diploma, without them, with my friend, with both my friends, with my prof, without them.
After about 20-25 pictures that I cooperated on, I could see my friends also getting tired of walking around from spot to spot, they were ready to go, I was also ready to go, my feet hurt and I wanted nothing more then to just get out of the graduation robe and get in the car.
I get it, I’m an only child, she’s my mom and I’m her kid, she’s unbelievably proud. But crossing boundaries just because she wanted the pictures right then was something that I didn’t appreciate. I never said anything mean, just asked if we could start to wrap it up since I was getting tired.
And just like that a switch flipped and she suddenly just agreed to stop and go to the car.
It wasn’t until 6 hours later when we were at dinner with my friend that she had knocked over my drink at the dinner table.
I had told her it was okay, I laughed and smiled and said a bunch of times that it was a-okay! And she started to get upset. She wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t look at me, we drove home in absolute silence, this night that was supposed to be fun and a celebration of my graduation, very quickly turned into “what happened? What did I do wrong?” And her refusing to answer me. It made my friend uncomfortable and it wasn’t until almost an entire day later that my friend went home and I finally just went in to go have the argument that I knew had to happen with how cold she was being.
And sure enough it was about the pictures. She started to cry and get upset, told me that after all she did to support me and be my mom and put a roof over my head, the least I could do was seem excited about getting pictures (despite the fact I let her take like 25 pictures, with a smile on my face as I hustled around in heels that were burning my feet and a dress on in like 20° weather since I graduated in December.)
She crossed a boundary I very clearly expressed days in advanced, which she agreed on! And she still got upset with me. We had a whole fight where I let her just yell at me while I sat there, and it finally derailed to “I’ll never take any pictures of you ever again, people won’t even know you exist since I won’t have pictures to show.”
Genuinely that is the route she went down.
I’ve since talked her down off that ledge by giving a bunch of apologies for things that I honestly believe I shouldn’t be apologizing for…
She’s never once given me an apology without the string attached, every single time she “apologizes” it’s always loaded with something else.
“I’m sorry I was just proud of you, I won’t take a picture of you ever again.”
“I’m sorry you thought I didn’t care, I’ll stop trying to interact as much.”
“I’m sorry you perceived my joke as being hurtful, I’ll never make a joke again.”
That’s the trend every single time. It never changes and I constantly feel like I’m in the wrong, that I’m the problem and that I should be the one working on myself…
Which yeah, I probably need to. I have a lot more maturing to do and I realize that. I know I’m no saint in this, I’ve absolutely said and done things that I’ve realized after the fact were kinda mean. But there’s also so many things that I am so sure I wasn’t in the wrong for… Yet I let her yell at me like I was.
We get in fights a lot (verbal), and I genuinely am at a point where if I have a problem with something that doesn’t actually involve her, I am terrified to bring it up to her, since I don’t want to get in a fight.
I’m scared to bring it up if it does involve her too, but I’m already braced for those to turn into a fight.
Thanks for reading this rambling of a very normal mother daughter bond that’s just got a little bit of salt sprinkled in…
Unsure if I’m looking for affirmations or if I just want someone to read and go “haha yeah my mom does that too.” Since I love my mom I really do, but this whole argument thing makes it so hard.
I do still live with her btw, this job market and housing market is insane right now, so it’s much easier to save up at home. She continues to tell me to stay at the house which I’m forever thankful for.
I have a great relationship with my parents, don’t get that wrong, I’d do anything for them, just have a bit of a rocky emotional issues with my momma which I’d love some advice on. <3