I feel like something is wrong with me
When I say I don‘t have friends, I lierally mean I DO NOT have friends. I have no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, no one to hangout with, no one to walk in the school hallways with, nothing. My whole life. The only time I remember having some sort of a friend was in 1st grade, but after I moved, I have never made a genuine life- long friend. Even if I had “friends” or acquaintances, I would always walk in the back, and be irrelevant, i felt like a follower instead of a friend. I have never experienced a genuine friendship ever in my life. I don't know what its like to have someone.
Everywhere I go I feel invisible. No one apporaches me, no one is interested in maintaning conversation with me. Every school I've gone to, every setting I'm in, I'm always alone. I have NO ONE. And this genuinely is starting to drive me crazy.
I started going over in my head and asking myself what it is about me that makes it so that I don’t have friends. I‘m nice, I never talk bad about anyone, I dress well, I like pink and girly stuff, I smile, etc. I know in my heart that I am not a bad person, I may not be a saint, but I know that I am not a bad person. So what is it? What do others do that I don’t? I think something is fundementally wrong with me. I think I repell people. Maybe I commited some sort of sin in my past life and now I’m being punished with lonliness and friendlessness. I can literally go an entire day at school without uttering a word. I am so miserable and I dont think anyone would truly understand the depth of my lonliness. Even when I talk, people don't notice. People dont listen to me, no one respects me.
This experience has been so damaging to my self-esteem that I don‘t evn think of myself as a human being anymore. I just think of myself as someone who just happens to be here, but I dont feel like i deserve to be recognized as a human being. Even when someone suggests doing this or that to try to make friends, I dismiss it because I do not think that others will be interested in me. I dont think I will ever get to participate in the human experience of friendship because of maybe, some mysterious think that’s wrong with me. Something that I dont see but others do. People even move like I’m not there. I always move out of the way for people, but when it comes to me, no one ever moves out of the way when I have to pass. People never even make eye contact with me, no one makes space for me. So I genuinely think I’m invisible. That I'm only visible to my family but not to the outside world.
I make up stories and daydream about having a community, friends, etc. Ever since I was little, I‘ve always daydreamed and made scenarios of havin a special person that holds me, and laughs with me, looks at me, and thinks of ME as their person.
But yeah, whatever. Excuse the rant.